A year ago today..

[barelybreathing]

Well, these next three months are going to be a real test for me and my emotions.  Those emotions that I have worked so hard on stabilizing.

It was exactly a year ago today that my husband left me and my 25 month old daughter at the airport on standby.  The start of our separation/divorce.  I was so catatonic.  I can't even believe that  I managed to even get on a flight at all.  We missed my original flight.  He was so tense, I was so in shock.  What the heck was going on with us?  A Norman Rockwell kind of family.  (Well little did I know, the affair was in its beginning stages just a few days prior.)  

He insisted at the check in counter that they put me on standby.  I was like speechless.  I couldn't talk or object or do anything.  He walked us to the gates, insisting on holding my hand, pushing our baby girl in her stroller.  I told him, "I know we need a break, its been so tense lately.  This will be good for me to go home for a bit."  He replies, "...yes it will.  I put your letter you wrote last night to me in my bible."  Ah hope.  I am just so  numb.  We stand at the security gates and he kisses me on the lips and says, "I love you, I will see you in two weeks", then kisses me again on the forehead.  Two weeks?  Ah hope.  I somehow manage to make it to my gate.  Make the next flight by them last minute squeezing me on.  I sit down with my daughter in my lap whaling and then they tell me I have to leave the plane.  Everyone is staring at me.  I just started crying.  Several people come to my defense to keep me on the plane.  At this point, I lost total control of my faculities.  I arrive to my destination and not a family member insight.  My X failed to call my folks to tell them I missed my original flight.  I wait at the airport for over an hour for them to come get me.  I have not eaten in two days straight.  Nor have I slept.  I see my mom and I collapse in her arms.  They take me home and I pass out for over four hours in their bed.  I call my X when I get up and beg him to reconsider and that I loved him so.  I had no idea he was laying next to her when I called him.  At that point he turned into a monster.  Angry and cruel.  Telling me its over, he wants out, to leave him alone.  I hung up the phone and crawled in my mothers lap and cried.  "Mom, he told me he loved me before I got on the plane, and that he would see me in a few weeks.  I don't understand any of this.  What is wrong with him?"  

I spent the whole night thinking I needed to go to the emergency room b/c I was dying.  It was an anxiety attack.  But it felt like a heart attack.  I was so tired.  So very tired.  I wanted to die.  I was willing myself to die.

Now, its a year later.  One year.  I look back on how frail I was then.  I cried today.  But not like I did a year ago.  A year ago it was a desperate cry.  Now it is just a sadness cry.

I still have our anniversay in September to get through and then my Birthday, the day I found out about the affair.  Last birthday, I celebrated by hugging the toilet in such shock in disgust.  This year, I hope to do better.

Bare with me all, it is going to be some rough seas for me to weather these next months.....

BB                    

[aisac]

BB -

Boy did I feel the pain with you as I read your post.  Hang in there!  I'm wishing lots and lots of happy, supportive, and caring thoughts.  You will make it through and be that much stronger on the other side.

aisac

[Sad4now]

Dear Barelybreathing

You sure did touch my heart.  I could sincerely feel the pain you explained about the feeling of death, it is even to unbearable to think about it now.  

To get through that type of deceit and betrayel is a big challenge and (although not over it) probably has been the biggest challenge of your life to date, but your still standing that is one big accomplishment , congratulations.

Although the journey isn't over, at least you have gone forward even if it's not as far as you'd like or maybe it is.  BUt all in all you survived the knife to the heart when you found out about the affair, you surived the knife to your stomach when you called and he was laying with her.  You can handle the date of the anniversary, birthday etc and it will get easier every year.  

Keep the faith going, when i was at my worst someone once said to me:

"I just read something today in a tabloid about Susan Smith's husband.  she was the lady that left her children to drown in a car.  When he felt like he didn't want to go on and couldn't stand the pain.. he remember a phrase from a movie Shawshank Redemption -
"in life we have to choices.  We can either get busy living or get busy dying.  What do you want to do?"
David smith now has another wife and 2 children."

to me it was one of the most inspirational things anyone has ever said to me.

[justmenow]

What a cruel thing it is that your X did to you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that alone, although it sounds like you had good support from your family.

He will get his in time, it's out of your hands. I'm glad you have come as far as you have - it gives the rest of us a lot of hope. Thanks for so graphically posting your feelings, because I'm sure there are a lot of people out here who can relate to them very closely.

You've certainly got my respect.

[pisces_goddess]

BB-
You may have rough seas to sail sweetie but remember at the end is a lighthouse..lighting your  path.. we are all here for you : )
A friend told me not to long ago.. I may have bad days but I  used to have bad YEARS.. that has stuck with me on the days I think I cant get through.. if you made it through what happened to you 1 year ago..you can make it through anything.
HUGS

[hurtingverymuch]

Barely, I feel so much the hurt, pain, anxiety, sadness, in your post, as my s2bx did something very similar.  Business trip for 4 days tells me he loves me even sends me an e-card saying he loves me and he'll miss me.  Comes home and 4 days later wants a divorce (he had cheated on me on the trip).  That was less than a week before our anniversary.  

I've read some of your previous threads/posts and you sound and are very strong and you have already weathered much of the storm and are stronger for it.  We are all here for your you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Keep your chin up sweetie,  you will make it through and be that much stronger.

Hugs

Hurt

[down2basics]

Oh BB!  Bless your heart - I had tears in my eyes from reading your post!  Good grief...the pain!  Man!  I'm almost speechless.  

The others who have posted are right though.  Pisces and Hurt both said it right - if you made it through this you can make it through anything.  You are going to come out of this tougher, smarter and much much stronger than you ever imagined.

Also, JMN said it right too....your x will get everything he deserves!  That's the way it works.  You can't just crap on people who love you and walk away scott free!  Doesn't work that way!  He'll find out one day exactly what he's put you through.

Walk tall honey!  It does get better.  You've made it this far...you can make it to the finish line (wherever that is!) LOL!  Please, believe in yourself!  Look how far you've come.  Give yourself credit where credit is due.  Try not to be so hard on yourself!  You are much better than you can imagine!

Sending you a BIG HUG!!!  You're in my thoughts and prayers!

God Bless you Sweetie!

d2b

[Galil]

Been a little over a year for you and me both

Hang in there BB, I am and have always been thinking about you, This to shall pass.

[Bob-Bob]

My God,

  I know I am a guy....
  But you just made me cry like a baby.
 
Maybe it is because my own emotions are so raw now... or Maybe it is because I am a pretty tender hearted person.
But hang in there... You can and will make it through this.

  Be strong.

     Bob

[inebr]

BB,

Take good care of yourself right now and we're all here for you. You're in my thoughts and I wish you the very very best.

inebr

[DaisyGarden]

Gosh, I cried when I read your post. It's  similer to what I went through, and especially the emotions and the hope. I just went through my 1 year ann. of him wanting a divorce in early April. And will have my wedding Ann. in August.  
You'll be in my thoughts!  

[Brian75034]

BB,

hang in there.  One day at a time.

You WILL become a better, stronger person from all this.

B

[atd74]

BB,

You brought tears to my eyes too!    

Stay strong.  As you've noticed it gets a little easier each day.

BIG HUGS!

[nerak]

One of the things I hate most is all of the new "bad" anniversaries I now remember.  The date I found out about his affair, the date he moved out, the date he went back east to see her the second time when I thought we were trying to work things out and on and on.....

Will we ever forget these dates or will we revisit them every year?

[down2basics]

Hey BB!!!

I know how you feel - anniversary dates are the absolute worst!  You feel like you just might not make it - but you will...and go "Whew!"  after it's over.

If I can help you, please just let me know - IM me if you need me - K?

Bless your heart!  My divorce will be final for one year next month.  Eleven months I've been divorced, 20 months seperated and it still hurts.  However, it has been getting better, believe it or not...

Hugs Girl!

d2b