I've been dating a man for almost three years.  We've had our ups and downs, but we managed to work through them.  A few days ago, I saw a side of him that exhausts me when I think about it.
 
I've seen hints of prejudice in his language and jokes.  I've overlooked most of it.  The eye-opener came a few days ago.
 
He has two daughters, one 12, the other 18.  The 18-year-old is in Community College and works part-time.  He rarely sees the 18-year-old as she lives with his ex and doesn't visit him.  The 18-year-old has a boyfriend who is black.
 
His Facebook picture shows his bare torso, not face, pants on backwards and about 5 inches of his boxer shorts showing.  It is not a picture I would associate with a kid who is trying to make it in the world.   
 
My bf asked his 12-year-old daughter if she had recently seen the 18-year-old's boyfriend.  The 12-year-old said, "I don't know."  It was obvious to me that she didn't want to talk about it.  After pressing her, she said it had been a while since she saw him.  It also came out that the kid doesn't have a job.  At this my bf said with great disdain and volume in his voice, 'just another N-----, just another N-----." 
 
I was shocked!  I haven't heard N----- used since I was 14-years-old and visiting family in Arkansas. :-)
 
The 12-year-old rolled her eyes and said, "Dad, he's nice." and which point, 'Just another N-----" was repeated with more disdain in his voice, then, "Go to bed."
 
I don't know the kid at all, but based solely on his Facebook picture and job status, I would say he is lacking ambition and would not want my daughter to date him either.
 
However, my problem is not with his concern over her choice of character in men.  My problem is the unabandoned prejudice he displayed. 
 
After the 12-year-old went to bed, he started ranting.  I managed to get in two sentences.  "You are making her defensive." (The 12-year-old) and "She is going to lie to you."  I know he heard me, but he went on with his rant.
 
So, this has been swimming around with me for a couple days.  I don't know what to think of it.  He gets angry at the 12-year-old for being a forced messenger and will alienate his older daughter, even more, with his prejudice.  This isn't a deal breaker for me, but it did change the way I see him.  I think I'm still in shock.
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Dreams don't have deadlines.

i have been thinking about this a lot lately.  you hear people say things like 'marriage isnt easy', 'anything worth having, is worth fighting for' etc.  but is it really?  i see couples who have been together forever, and i always used to say to myself, 'they have had their share of hard times' and 'they may not be like this behind closed doors'  but then, i have had the pleasure of being able to actually sit down and talk to some very wonderful couples, and for the most part i hear them talk about how easy it has always been.  a few couples mentioned having ups and downs, usually at the beginning of the marriage.  but nothing like what i have gone thru in the last 6 years.  i am sure a lot of that has to do with me getting married so young, without really knowing who i am, who he was etc.

so is that what we have all done?  married someone who wasnt right for us, for whatever reason?  is it so hard to expect their is someone out there that would actually bring joy to my life, instead of the constant stress associated with feeling like staying together is a constant battle?

sorry for the rambling...

So, somehow, we've even drifted further apart.  Basically, since his trip to Texas, things have gotten progressivly worse.  It's like the habits he picked up there of not seeing me and us not talking as much just carried over when he came back.  Since then, it seems time and time again, I end up feeling like I am not a priority.  And, it's not just a nagging feeling, there have been things happen time and time again that show it.  I am starting to feel like arm candy for business/family events.  It's just not how I want to spend my time...And, worse, why should I make those events of his my priority when things for me aren't?

So, last night was it.  I have been upset, hurt, and even angry since the most recent event which was Saturday night.  And, though I really did try and talk to him about it prior to last night, every time I'd start to talk about something more than the basics of the day, he'd blow me off.  Usually he was suddenly too tired to talk anymore.  Last night was just kind of it.  He called when I was in the middle of a billion mommy things and said that he only had a few minutes because he was getting ready for the shower and then bed.  I made a specific request that he just call me when he was done (so he didn't have yet another excuse to just cut the call short).  He kind of tried to tell me it was okay, we'd just talk then for a few minutes and I told him again, I'd let him go take his shower and really just needed him to call me back.

He did eventually.  I finally had some quiet to just sit and talk to him.  I finally laid it out there.  I let him know that I was upset and my feelings hurt.  I told him how I felt about everything lately.  He apologized for hurting me, he apologized for being an a$$ hole to me, and then stated he hadn't realized things had been that way.  He said, "I thought I was just being me.  I'm sorry.  And, now that you mention it, I see what you're saying but I thought I was just being me."  And, then he told me he was caught off guard and didn't know what else to say.  I told him that was okay, that said a lot too. 

It's been nearly 8 months.  We've never expressed that we love eachother, just that we mean a lot to eachother and care about eachother.  Eight months in, my kids are involved.  It is kind of a tricky situation.  But, I told him that this far in, he should know what I mean to him.  And this far in, it shouldn't be a hard decision to know if I am a priority or not.  And, while I care about him, I refuse to move forward and involve my kids more if this isn't going anywhere.  I told him to think about it...Decide if I mean something to him and if he wants me to be a priority in his life because I deserve to be a priority to someone. 

I personally know that I have to decide still how much that decision will matter.  Sometimes it's hard to undo what's done.  I am guarded now, my walls are up.  Even if he comes back and says that he screwed up, can I be unjaded?  I'm not really sure.  Maybe it wasn't fair to him for me to say decide and yet part of me doesn't know what difference it would make but I had to put out there what the situation was or it would only get worse anyway.  I am fairly certain we can get through this if we deicde to...Still I am feeling like maybe this is more something that's run it's course and his actions were his way of telling me even when he didn't realize it.  I just don't think answers (the big answers) should have been that hard to come by last night...   

Please does anybody live in this frame of mind i have seemed to be in for many many years??

Over 25 years i have been in many relationships some for a few years some for a few months and i was married for 4 years. I am 49 years of age and am presently single and living on my own.,which I have been for the last year
I have this sort of obsession that I feel incomplete and empty if im not in a relationship and in between relationships i am in like a dormant state.  I really wish i could just be content with being on my own and enjoy my single status rather than everything just revolving around me being in a relationship to be complete it totally consumes me and i do not enjoy virtually anything i do as it means nothing to me being single.

Also when i do any sort of activities like travelling and visiting interesting places or doing something other people may be envious of , i do it just to tell my friends what an exciting life in living , whilst i am getting no enjoyment out of it myself i just do it to impress other people,

I feel so empty and purposeless every day of my life but cant seem to hold a relationship down, 
 
  Logged 
 

If you've been dating someone, and the dating relationship ends for any number of reasons (mutual decision, one meets someone else, one gets busy with other things, etc.) would you consider re-dating them again sometime in the future?  If so, would there be any conditions?  Would you pick up where you left off, or treat it like a brand new dating relationship?  Or would you figure that there is no use in going backwards, and not even consider dating someone you had dated in the past?

Why is it that the ones you WANT to call you, leave you hanging, while the ones you don't - won't leave you alone?

On POF there are a Few Ladys who dont Smile in ther Photo

They are Frowning

I wonder of they are REALLY Old Fasion ?

In the 1800's and early 1900's that was called being Natural in a Photo

No Smiling

They are still some People who think that is Good for your Photo on a dating Site ?
 

So up to this point, the "breakup process" (sounds weird, huh?) has been almost disturbingly smooth.  She's been downright cheerful, and we've basically both continued the busy lifestyles that led us to this point.

Until last week, when she decided to read my email.  I still get mad just writing that.

Essentially, my approach has been to walk the line between laying low and actively putting myself out there.  I decided I really didn't want to meet anyone before she got moved out, and also feel it pretty much goes without saying that I wouldn't be bringing anyone home.  That said, I decided to re-initiate contact with a couple of women I know who she doesn't approve of, and also have met some interesting women in the last couple of months with whom I'm now corresponding.  She saw this, and drama has ensued.

The drama is taking the form of a lot of revisionist history ("you never cared about me"), speculation presented as fact ("you're out hooking up every night"), and putting words in my mouth ("you said you were miserable with me").  All of which hurts somewhat, but also reinforces my certainty that this is the right move.

On the plus side, it has motivated her to get out sooner rather than later.  We had originally had discussions to the effect that she might not get out until December, due to the uncertainty of her living arrangements.  I am not in a hurry, and I told her so.  But it's now happening this week.

Self-observation has revealed that for me, this breakup is almost completely the opposite of my divorce.  I would have done anything to preserve my marriage, and I went to extremes to try to do so.  In this case, I feel like I've already gone to the extremes when the relationship was ongoing, and now I have nothing left but the certainty that I am done.  It's an empowering feeling.

That said, my place is going to feel pretty darn empty when she's gone.   

What I'm asking is, do you go with someone who loves you, cares for you, adores you and would do anything for you - but doesn't make your heart skip a beat - or wait for the unknown - hoping that one day you'll find someone who loves you, cares for you, adores you and would do anything for you - AND makes your heart skip a beat?

Okay, I found a guy I like but don't know what the current proceedure is to talk to him.  When I met him he I was out of town visiting a friend so we were only able to see each other one other time from the original meeting.  To get together for this we only texted each other, never called.  Now that I have set this precident, should I text for our next contact or call?  I am more of a calling person but I don't know about him.  Also, what is the new rule on calling after a first date?  Do I need to wait for him to call me?  Is there a 3 day rule still?
I have also facebooked him but don't really want to start communicating that way. 

Any suggestions on how to proceed would be helpful.  I have been out of the game so long I don't quite know how to proceded.

On POF all those Ladys are so very Far away


In my Area there are very few to choose from
( 3 , it seems like, and 1 is allergic to Cats)

There seem to be some generalities among men and women regarding the topic of communication.  Here are my thoughts (a female’s perspective) on the importance of communication in a relationship:

A romantic relationship between two mature adults needs to me pragmatic.  The needs/feelings of both parties must be met… equally.

I don’t completely understand the difficulty that a man may have with communication, although I respect that.  Part of the reason it’s important to me is:  it seems to me that a relationship is defined by communication… doesn’t being in a relationship mean that both parties are involved in each other’s lives… or presumably want to be??  How can that be if there is no verbal contact on a regular basis??  It makes no sense to me whatsoever.  If I don’t know what’s happening in a man’s life (i.e. day to day aggravation at work, with ex, children, etc.), how can I understand/interpret a man’s response, reaction, interaction with me??  I can’t!!  That leads to assumptions and jumping to conclusions… which is never a good thing.   

If a man doesn’t know, or want to know what’s happening in my life, well then, that man obviously just doesn’t care. 

If a man has difficulty with communication, but agrees that it’s important and wants to progress in that area… that’s ok.  However, if a man feels that it’s a waste of time and has no interest or intention of communicating with me… that’s a problem.  That tells me that the man couldn’t care less about me (my thought, feelings, my life) and is only interested in me as far as I am capable of meeting his needs.  That’s where the part about “I could be anyone” comes in.  That is completely unacceptable.  To be in that situation is a complete waste of my time.  I do not choose to invest my time or emotions on anyone who has no desire to nor intention of making that same investment on me!! 

A successful, mutually fulfilling relationship requires an on-going effort to achieve equality in the relationship on all levels.  Of course, two people are rarely on the same page at exactly the same time.  But there must me an awareness and respect of this disparity and commitment to consider each other’s needs and feelings at all times… with the exception of the occasional “heat of the moment” disagreements… which can usually be resolved with great make-up sex… lol.

Meeting a man’s needs without having an equal, reciprocal emotional exchange (i.e. COMMUNICATION) is the equivalent of being a hooker.  It does nothing for the woman except erode self-esteem and self-respect.  If this scenario occurs in a relationship of “exclusivity”, then any opportunity of meeting a “real” person is lost, making this a complete lose-lose prospect.

I have observed that many men feel that communication translates to control.  I suppose in some cases it could be used as a form of control and can understand, in that circumstance, why a man would have difficulty with that.  I would advise anyone, male or female to get out of a situation like that immediately.  However, for me, communication is not about control… it’s about the connection that is necessary to establish, develop and maintain a successful, mutually satisfying and beneficial relationship.

Am I missing something here?