I've known him for approx. 7 years. Our kids went to the same sitter and we move in some of the same social circles.
Circumstances have changed for both of us, and we had our official first date last night. At one point in the evening I froze and the same old fear and tightness in the chest occured. How do you get past that and start to let someone else in?
I'm 49 and just ended a 6 year relationship , Im finding it hard living alone , I work in the day but i hate the thought of going home to an empty house, My whole world seems so purposless and empty , yes i do go out and I have friends i can meet , but the thought of entering the house alone then not talking to nobody till i hit work the next morning is dreadful...I also hate weekends now as i dont know what to do with myself.....One day just drifts into the next its wearing me down ...Is anybody else in this situation or have been ??
I re-activated my profile on a dating site. I was answering my messages and one guy sent me his number in a second message, so I sent him my cell number. After I sent him my cell number, I noticed that he had sent me SIX other messages. Uh-oh. Pushy and needy. He called twice yesterday, and sent four more PMs.
This is way too much. Is it better to ignore someone like this and let them drift away? I would suspect so, but ignoring some people just seems to throw more fuel on their fires, so to speak. I could tell him thanks but no thanks, or I could block him. I think the less contact the better, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts.
You may remember me from such stories as "How do I fix this?" posted just a few weeks ago when I broke up with my boyfriend. Or rather, he broke up with me.
I thought I would try and get some more opinions, though I have pretty much given up on the subject of him and I. It would just be interesting to see what people think.
So J and I broke up almost 5 weeks ago now. We are both part of a very active writers group that meets regularly and hosts events regularly. I temp so I change jobs quite a lot, but I enjoy organising events so quite a lot of the drinks' evenings, artists launches and readings are put together by myself (everyone else is just not as good at it as I am :-) ). Anyway, I was trying to be nice for a few weeks by texting and inviting him to things, coffees and drinks, but I have completely given up on that. I miss our friendship a lot, but I won't force it on him if he doesn't want it.
This guy honestly perplexes me: 1) If he talks to me (which isn't very often) he ends up snapping at me or does that thing where someone is "teasing" you, but its just that little bit too sharp. 2) He walks out of rooms I walk into. I don't mean, "I have to go, guys," I mean, the second I walk in, pick up his coat, put it on and LEAVE. 3) He showed up to a drinks evening the other night (why, I wonder?) and got really offended when he realised I'd organised a very serious and long-term writing project and hadn't told him. (But I'd given up on him at this point, and I won't make an extra special effort if I haven't seen him, I won't bother reaching out anymore). 4) He got quite upset when he realised I'm moving. His words "why didn't you tell me? I would have helped you find a new place." (Me: Um...?) 5) I catch him looking at me. A lot. I'm not arrogant, but I know when someone is checking me out.
There are a few more things I could rattle off, but I'm fairly tired of it. I don't want to push the issue, but there are times when he is downright rude to me which is really, REALLY getting on my nerves. In case he doesn't get how break-ups work, HE broke up with ME. If anyone should have a problem, it should be me! But I don't! I am perfectly nice when I see him! I don't seek him out and I don't contact him anymore, but it is unavoidable running into him.
Am I within my right to take him aside and tell him he clearly seems to have a problem with me and to sort it out or don't bother even talking to me?
I've been dating someone for the past month (yeah, I know, that's a record for me!) and while I'm certainly not ready to say the "L" word, it did get me wondering as to when you all said it in past relationships and how you felt you knew you were in love? How do you know when it moves past lust and infatuation and into real love?
I know there aren't any right or wrong answers but I was curious ...
Well, N called me Friday night to talk and let me know he'd thought about what I had said. He maintained that he thought he was just being himself (again, whatever that means). I told him that it wasn't who he was that I was having a hard time with, it had been being treated like the "buddy" instead of a more significant part of his life. He understood, said I was right, and agreed how he sees he's done that. So, he said that he doesn't think he can be what I need. He said he understood if I was mad. I of course told him I couldn't be mad at someone for what they didn't feel. But, he tried to protest over and over that this wasn't about feelings, it's about me needing more than what he can give right now.
So, we're done. After 8 months, I am sad but I am a little surprised that I am not as sad as I expected to be. I think I got used to getting treated like the buddy and had such a hard time with it, part of me is glad to be done with that internal struggle. And, I am almost more sad over the additional loss of his family this represents than I am over the loss of him. How bad is that?
In the end, I know this is for the best. I have been through a lot either as 1/2 of a couple or on my own. I know what I want and I know what I deserve. It would have been one thing had he seen and decided to change. But, he said he is just going to be this way. I can't be sad for standing up for myself and not taking to being last. I know I deserve better than that. There wasn’t a fight. It was just direct, to the point and the phone call was over in under 5 minutes. He told me that though it sounded cliché, he hoped we could stay friends.
I wasn't looking for a relationship, but I met someone who I really started to like. I thought things were going okay, I loved talking to him and texting him, he was so damn funny! He was not someone who I would usually be physically attracted to, but for some reason I was. Well, because I am an idiot, I sleep with him, the first guy besides my ex I've slept with--or even kissed for that matter--in years! It was great, but then of course, things change! He pulls back, he turns into a bit of a tool, but you know we all have days like that, so I roll with it...Of course the week following the weekend "event", turns out to be one of the sh!ttiest ones of my life, and the cherry on the cake of the day is that he tells me that he is not sure if he sees us in a relationship, he doesn't like my hair color---and doesn't think we have that much in common, except that we have good sex and MAYBE, things could change into something else. Okay fine, it takes time to build a relationship, but I just don't think I'm geared for sex that is meaningless and going nowhere. I feel like a complete and total idiot--I am way old enough to know better and know how these things work, but I messed it up anyway. I didn't push for a relationship, but I finally just told him it was nice meeting him, that I had liked him enough to overlook some of the things about him that I would normally not care for, but I am just too old for the games, and I feel that he didn't really care enough to get to know me. I said all of this to him via text...he texted back and asked me if that meant it was the end of it, but I didn't answer. I don't know even know if anyone can understand this, I just needed to get it out... I am normally not a Debbie Downer, but sometimes the hits just keep on coming...
Hey everyone it's been awhile,,,,,,,,,and my life is starting to clear up, at least I thought so. You know bills and arrangements, and during all this my husband has agreed to have the lawyer draw up papers for our divorce and should be ready for after christmas signing. I know that didnt' sound nice, but...... it's the way it is. So I made a promised I would not date, and I have not, but friends have introduced me to a few gentleman. We talked in group or have chatted a bit on the phone. Someone pls tell me if I am stupid, out of the loop or these wonderful nice men just have some inner issues. I've met approx 4 gentleman. Number 1- he was really sweet, kind and gentleman, somehow during our visits he got himself into a financial problem and needed money...laughable as this chick has none and when i said I couldn't, he couldnt be bothered talking to me either. Number 2- very sweet , yes indeed. His words could melt ones hard in seconds, and it did me. Our talks were always about future, what will i do when divorced will I return home, kids, his life his son, then money came up, he needed money for something, and I didn't have it and he pulled away, can't even say hi to this day. Number 3 - Another very honest man, i was talking with him when I got laid off, he know about situation and respected me. I am telling him that my life is up in air not sure what I will be doing, so he offeres me a job with his family business but I must move to do to . Not knowing him very well I thanked him and said I would think about it. He keeps asking me if I'll take the job and will spend two weeks with me to train me. I asked him to talk to me about this so we can clear the air, he only talks to me to ask me if I have considred the job, and when I want to talk about other things he has no time. If i were to tell him I wanted the job I'm sure he'd talk to me again. Number 4- very open, has been hurt badly he says by his wife and best friend doing the mumbo together. Says his only friend is his lawyer and scared to make friends. I can see it , but he is a travelor with his job, and goes places every 2 months or more. He seemingly genuine, and heartfelt and understands my position about being laid off recently and said he'd help me with anything I needed. He'd be more comfortable if I was divorced and I know that but it's not that way, divorce will come when it does. He'd like to see me sign papers tomorrow. I will not rush this for anyone. I do like this number 4 man, but not getting all ga ga over him. We've talked alot these past days, and he said he'd talk to me soon, whatever that meant. It could very well mean I wont' hear from him again. I guess I m just waiting for this one to say see ya and it was nice because my divorce is not final. Not sure what to think of all this . Maybe someone can tell me what they see.
I've been dating a man for almost three years. We've had our ups and downs, but we managed to work through them. A few days ago, I saw a side of him that exhausts me when I think about it.
I've seen hints of prejudice in his language and jokes. I've overlooked most of it. The eye-opener came a few days ago.
He has two daughters, one 12, the other 18. The 18-year-old is in Community College and works part-time. He rarely sees the 18-year-old as she lives with his ex and doesn't visit him. The 18-year-old has a boyfriend who is black.
His Facebook picture shows his bare torso, not face, pants on backwards and about 5 inches of his boxer shorts showing. It is not a picture I would associate with a kid who is trying to make it in the world.
My bf asked his 12-year-old daughter if she had recently seen the 18-year-old's boyfriend. The 12-year-old said, "I don't know." It was obvious to me that she didn't want to talk about it. After pressing her, she said it had been a while since she saw him. It also came out that the kid doesn't have a job. At this my bf said with great disdain and volume in his voice, 'just another N-----, just another N-----."
I was shocked! I haven't heard N----- used since I was 14-years-old and visiting family in Arkansas. :-)
The 12-year-old rolled her eyes and said, "Dad, he's nice." and which point, 'Just another N-----" was repeated with more disdain in his voice, then, "Go to bed."
I don't know the kid at all, but based solely on his Facebook picture and job status, I would say he is lacking ambition and would not want my daughter to date him either.
However, my problem is not with his concern over her choice of character in men. My problem is the unabandoned prejudice he displayed.
After the 12-year-old went to bed, he started ranting. I managed to get in two sentences. "You are making her defensive." (The 12-year-old) and "She is going to lie to you." I know he heard me, but he went on with his rant.
So, this has been swimming around with me for a couple days. I don't know what to think of it. He gets angry at the 12-year-old for being a forced messenger and will alienate his older daughter, even more, with his prejudice. This isn't a deal breaker for me, but it did change the way I see him. I think I'm still in shock. -- Dreams don't have deadlines.
i have been thinking about this a lot lately. you hear people say things like 'marriage isnt easy', 'anything worth having, is worth fighting for' etc. but is it really? i see couples who have been together forever, and i always used to say to myself, 'they have had their share of hard times' and 'they may not be like this behind closed doors' but then, i have had the pleasure of being able to actually sit down and talk to some very wonderful couples, and for the most part i hear them talk about how easy it has always been. a few couples mentioned having ups and downs, usually at the beginning of the marriage. but nothing like what i have gone thru in the last 6 years. i am sure a lot of that has to do with me getting married so young, without really knowing who i am, who he was etc.
so is that what we have all done? married someone who wasnt right for us, for whatever reason? is it so hard to expect their is someone out there that would actually bring joy to my life, instead of the constant stress associated with feeling like staying together is a constant battle?
So, somehow, we've even drifted further apart. Basically, since his trip to Texas, things have gotten progressivly worse. It's like the habits he picked up there of not seeing me and us not talking as much just carried over when he came back. Since then, it seems time and time again, I end up feeling like I am not a priority. And, it's not just a nagging feeling, there have been things happen time and time again that show it. I am starting to feel like arm candy for business/family events. It's just not how I want to spend my time...And, worse, why should I make those events of his my priority when things for me aren't?
So, last night was it. I have been upset, hurt, and even angry since the most recent event which was Saturday night. And, though I really did try and talk to him about it prior to last night, every time I'd start to talk about something more than the basics of the day, he'd blow me off. Usually he was suddenly too tired to talk anymore. Last night was just kind of it. He called when I was in the middle of a billion mommy things and said that he only had a few minutes because he was getting ready for the shower and then bed. I made a specific request that he just call me when he was done (so he didn't have yet another excuse to just cut the call short). He kind of tried to tell me it was okay, we'd just talk then for a few minutes and I told him again, I'd let him go take his shower and really just needed him to call me back.
He did eventually. I finally had some quiet to just sit and talk to him. I finally laid it out there. I let him know that I was upset and my feelings hurt. I told him how I felt about everything lately. He apologized for hurting me, he apologized for being an a$$ hole to me, and then stated he hadn't realized things had been that way. He said, "I thought I was just being me. I'm sorry. And, now that you mention it, I see what you're saying but I thought I was just being me." And, then he told me he was caught off guard and didn't know what else to say. I told him that was okay, that said a lot too.
It's been nearly 8 months. We've never expressed that we love eachother, just that we mean a lot to eachother and care about eachother. Eight months in, my kids are involved. It is kind of a tricky situation. But, I told him that this far in, he should know what I mean to him. And this far in, it shouldn't be a hard decision to know if I am a priority or not. And, while I care about him, I refuse to move forward and involve my kids more if this isn't going anywhere. I told him to think about it...Decide if I mean something to him and if he wants me to be a priority in his life because I deserve to be a priority to someone.
I personally know that I have to decide still how much that decision will matter. Sometimes it's hard to undo what's done. I am guarded now, my walls are up. Even if he comes back and says that he screwed up, can I be unjaded? I'm not really sure. Maybe it wasn't fair to him for me to say decide and yet part of me doesn't know what difference it would make but I had to put out there what the situation was or it would only get worse anyway. I am fairly certain we can get through this if we deicde to...Still I am feeling like maybe this is more something that's run it's course and his actions were his way of telling me even when he didn't realize it. I just don't think answers (the big answers) should have been that hard to come by last night...
How Do I Let Someone In?
