My soon to be ex wife now says that she never loved me even when we got married. WTF? Seriously, you can tell when there is something wrong with your significant other and I never got that feeling until after the night she cheated on me and then it was all down hill from there. Can people really convince themselves that they didn't love someone? And, will they ever realize they made a mistake?
I have been married to my husband for eight years. Last week he told me out of nowhere that he was unhappy. I asked him if he wanted to stay with me and the next day he said begrudgingly that he did but he was unwilling to go to counseling.
He then tells me that he has been unhappy for 18 months, which includes my/our pregnancy and the birth of our daughter. I asked him why he didn't tell me earlier how unhappy he was and he said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. After him hemming and hawing about trying to stay together he announced he was finished and he wanted a divorce, even though he could never even say the words.
Later on the next day one of his friends called me to tell me how sorry he was that we were breaking up and he told me that my now ex cheated on me. When I confronted him he even denied it and even defended the girl when I said I wanted to talk to her (which I would never do). Through all of this he still says that he loves and cares about me.
I am getting ready for major surgery next week and he has stopped living here. He crushed my world and then abandoned me. He seems like a completely different person. I don't know how I can co-parent with him if I can't trust anything he says.
I will be divorced 2 years in Dec. My wife had originally filed for divorce after 3 years of marriage. We were able to make it to ten years but it was a long period of frustration and rejection. I just want to share how my divorce seems worse than death.
Feelings of failure and inadequacy are feelings not experienced with death. I was my wife's third husband so I try to remember that the two other men and a line of boy friends didn't measure up either. But the fact remains that I look back at the areas I fell short in. This was my first marriage at age 33. I continually battle the "what if's" and the bigger question of whether I have (and had) that physical attractiveness, "charisma", "understanding", servanthood, joviality as well as all the other traits and skills to keep her happy. Then I think, well I'm 46, broke, and depressed, so it doesn't matter anyway. The sense of faillure is increased because she has found someone else and I'm in a hole so big by the time I can get myself out I will be 50 something and the fact that my wife was beautiful hurts my ability to love someone less attractive. sorry, just being honest here. The stigmatism of divorce still lingers. The fact she was divorced was a consideration prior to marrying. Will I have to face that in the future? I think some women might suspect something was wrong with me, i.e. stalker, abuser, playboy, etc. I guess these can be overcome through continued community involvement, but it lingers. Divorce seems like a perpetual process that is hard to break.
Lonliness through additional loss of children. I only see my children 6-7 weeks out of the year. The loss of home removed my sense of belonging. I had to move to live with my parents. Loss of community, friendships, home. This doesn't happen with death.
Despair associated w/ stigmatism of divorce and financial setbacks(child support) and depression. This does not typically happen with death.
The betrayal leaves me in a state of rubber blobbery. While she is still alive and doing "great" I live in depression and having to deal with knowing that my wife has found someone else. This just adds to my sense of failure and to know that she is in love with someelse is so very hard to swallpw. I go out in public and it hurts to watch the happy families with their children. This even happens at church and I say to God, what is wrong with me, I shouldn't envy other peoples lives. It breaks my heart. I want everyone to do great, but divorce has placed me in a state of depression, just at a time when I need confidence, strength, faith the most.
Financial devestation and injustice- Personally, I lost everything, except God, and she has "everything", throws parties, etc. I am losing contact w/ my kids, no home, new community, no money (we were well of and could have retired), inability to focus, lack of energy. Financial devestation does not happen in death, at least not nearly with the frequency and extremes of divorce. My lawyer even commented, you could have retired. I will now have to work up until my death in all probability. This doesn't happen in divorce.
She is still alive and this hurts because of the significant other (same sex?)in her life. There will be ongoing conflicts that are boound to arise concerning the children . Not to mention, because she has our children, I am reluctant to move on in part, becasue it would mean that the dream, call it fairy-tale of reconciliation would die. This ghost syndrome does not occur in divorce
With all of this, (failure, rejection, betrayal, injustice, financial loss, loss of community, loss of job, *loss of children, their brainwashing and ongoing batlles, the ghost factor and significant other situations, and all the psychological baggage) I think divorce is harder than death of a loved one.
<-- Moderator Note -- This post has been split off an old unrelated thread -- Cindy -->
I just recently helped ex wife move into her new apartment, all her friends and family were not there to help her, so I rented uhaul truck, and basically moved her myself. Back is killing now took me three days to do this, after this I had to stock her fridge with food becuase she was broke. I mainly did this becuase we have kids together, and I do not want to see them suffer. I do generally care about her too, but if kids were not involved I would not have done this. Anyways, does anybody think I am a sucker for doing this>>i generally think that being a good person is the right way to go.
Please does anybody live in this frame of mind i have seemed to be in for many many years??
Over 25 years i have been in many relationships some for a few years some for a few months and i was married for 4 years. I am 49 years of age and am presently single and living on my own.,which I have been for the last year I have this sort of obsession that I feel incomplete and empty if im not in a relationship and in between relationships i am in like a dormant state. I really wish i could just be content with being on my own and enjoy my single status rather than everything just revolving around me being in a relationship to be complete it totally consumes me and i do not enjoy virtually anything i do as it means nothing to me being single.
Also when i do any sort of activities like travelling and visiting interesting places or doing something other people may be envious of , i do it just to tell my friends what an exciting life in living , whilst i am getting no enjoyment out of it myself i just do it to impress other people,
I feel so empty and purposeless every day of my life but cant seem to hold a relationship down,
Quick rundown of my past. Ex husband left me for best friend. I thought I would never be hurt again. I finally left that marriage. Took me a while but then I was fine. Moved to Washington got a good job n have been making a life. But here I find myself again. I keep thinking that this pain n depression is so huge.
But I know i was prob this way before. Moved here and it took me a while. But I got back on top. I was a diff person. I was happy. I loved my new life I made for myself. I met ed. N there was something about him. We talked for months. N I fell in love again. I never thought I would. It was great when we met. Of course you are prob rolling ur eyes right now saying oh geesh here we go. But yes it didn't last. It's has been 3 years. I'm totally in love w this man that deep inside I know he doesn't love me. He keeps me around. Plays the jelous type when we go out. I built a wall around myself for a long time which protected me from getting hurt. He would say laters. I would say fine. N it was. I hid my feelings.
But the hurt n lonliness was too much. So I tore down the walls. I bared everything to him. I tore down the walls. It was what he wanted. And yes here come eye rolls again. Now he doesn't want me. I'm still there w him. But there's no love n affection. None. He has had a lot of things happen to him.
No I'm not making excuses for him. But I have been there when he needed me. He used to ask me to marry him n live w him. My walls said no. I realized I was losing tine. Time passing me by. I'm getting older.
I only have a few months before I get kicked out of here! but now I just can't let go. I can't move on. I'm like a dog following him around waiting for a pat on the head. I hear the usual stuff. I'm tired. If I didn't love you I wouldn't be here. I'm tired of u being depressed.
All those good things you know. Sorry long post. Just need yo vent. Thank you if you made it to the end of this.
My husband and I have been separated for approx 10 months after almost 8 years of marriage. For the last 2.5 years I have been asking to seek counseling to deal with "our issues", which he called "my issues". Basically this is his 3rd marriage and my 1st. He is a excellent father (he has a son, I have a son, and we have one together) but as a couple we struggle with conflict resolution and prioritizing our relationship. I had been asking to spend time together, but his main priority seemed to be his oldest son. For example he refused to go on a honeymoon our first year of marriage because he did not want to leave his son. His son's mother is very involved in his son's life and an excellent mother. Yet my husband is very close to his sons. Anyway fast forward 7 years, our marriage is suffering from us being "parents" and not "partners" not to mention the every day stresses of work and life demands. After a year and half of begging to work on our marriage I gave up and decided I could not live in an miserable marriage. After being separated, I realized that my marriage and family are the most important thing in my life and I will work as hard as needed to save it. My husband had been pursing me during the separation, but once I agreed to work on it (after 7 months) he had reservations. He confessed he had been seeing someone else and their relationship had become "serious". He told me it was "too late" and he had "let me go". Over the last 2.5 months he has been giving me mixed signals. He says he loves me and we have been sleeping together, but says he is afraid to get back together because I left. He now wants the time to figure out what he wants. I am in "limbo". I want to work on my marriage but I cannot continue to go not knowing what he is going to decide. I feel I need to let go and move on, but I really want to work on my marriage if given the opportunity. Not sure what to do.
Hello everyone, I am new to the site. I have been separated from my husband since March of 2009, he decided to leave me and our 2 year old son. Since we separated, he lost his job and I recently moved my son and I into his place to help him out in the short term financially. He has a new "friend" and their relationship seems to have potential. I really like her, and think that they are good for each other. He has recently tried to reconcile with me; I don't want to and I feel so guilty. I suspect that if things weren't so hard for him financially, he would not be trying to reconcile. I have also met someone who I like, and he is escalating in his jealously and disapproval of any friendships that I have with men. I know now that going back into the same home was a terrible mistake. I wanted to keep him safe and stable for our son, but it doesn't seem to be working. I feel so sad and scared, and very alone. I can't afford to see a therapist at present, and it is very hard to burden my friends and family with my ongoing anguish over the situation. I also feel so sad about hurting his feelings, but alternate between sadness and anger at him about his choice to leave us in the first place. He made so many choices that have put me through my own grieving and sadness, I have had 6 months of coping on my own, and working through my own feelings of being terribly hurt, especially by his developing relationship with another person. I feel like no matter what, I am better off on my own. I feel like even if I did reconcile, we would be back in the same situation in a few months anyways. My heart is breaking, but I feel like I need to stay firm about this. Thank you for listening.
Happily married man of 25 years..I took my wife to the beach because we started talking separation a year ago ...and asked if she would consider just this once looking at some porn. I bought a magazine and for some reason I asked her to play a game, I let her look at the pictures while I played with her. Short story - it was like a human lie detector and she came to the pics of the lesbian scenes. I was like great and we went to a strip club back home and she was really into getting a lap dance. Since then fight a lot and she always has a reason to be angry, but about once a week she agrees to look at lesbian scenes or lesbian internet porn during sex, she comes like crazy. The relationship is lousy, but the sex is great. I bought a lifelike dildo but she never uses it. Yesterday I bought a female female sex organ replica and she went wild - you can insert it onto your erect male sex organ and she can perform cunnilingus on the female end. Which she did for quite some time, in addition to having the toy used to rub her clitoris.
All I am getting out of the relationship is this exotic sex once a week, she avoids me, and is a bit rude and judgemental most of the time. She blames me for a full range of reasons not spending much time with me. I am addicted to these weekly rewards, but what is going on here?
on Friday, so he can detox. Then it switches to outpatient for aftercare and support and group meetings, and family meetings. He will also get one on one counselling with a chemical dependency cousellor and has agreed to marriage counselling, once he jumps this hurdle.
His boss asked why he needed so much time off of work and STBX told him that he was getting a divorce and we were going to mediation sessions. He told his boss everything and his Boss told him that work insurance covers this rehab process and told him to go. Also that is job is not in jeopardy (although one never knows).
I don't know what to do. I still love him and so much want our family to stay together. My fear is, that he has failed at stopping in rehab twice before and once cold turkey. We have also been going to mediation and have worked out parenting plans/visitation, health care, 401 k's etc., and he has already bought me out of my half of the house, although, that is all fixable. My son and I have planned to move Jan 1.
Now I have to decide if I should give him one more chance. Our son has been going through enough as it is, and I don't want to play "we're leaving" "no we're not leaving" game with his little heart.
I'm just afraid of being sucked back in again, only to be disappointed. This is the first time I have told my husband that I was leaving, and this is the first time we have gone to mediation, etc., I am telling myself that he knows I am serious about moving on witout him, if he doesn't get help, and that is why he went, yet again.
*sigh* just thinking out loud here, I really don't know what to do. Both of my parents told me to give our marriage one last try but 2 of my good friends who have seen the previous failed attempts told me I am just delaying the inevitable. All of my in-laws have totally iced me out, so I have no idea what they are thinking. My stomach just drops at the thought of seeing them at the family meetings.
Well for one thing I can't belive I'm doing this but I guess I have to start somewhere So here goes I have been married for 2 years been togeather for 11 and this women well is eveything I have ever wanted but for the last 9 months I was starting to go into funny moods where I would come home and not talk to her for 2 days then I would stay at my mums or if she went to bed I would get out and sleep in another room why still don't really no to this day the finally straw cam about 2 months ago. We fell out nothing crazy never was but the dame result I went to my moms and didn't go back for 3 days went to go back but said she needed time she took her wedding off and put it in a box and I knew what was happening. For 3 weeks a couple of days at a time I tried to go back but when ever I did all she did was cry she was letting me go it drove me crazy loved her so much but all I did was push her and push till she was all cried out and then she said it it was over!!! Now looking back my marrage failed because I tested my wifes love for me for 9 months and it's my fault she never treated me bad she did anything for me which makes all the more harder. Now what I'm about to say I have not told anyone and I'm not proud of it but I tried to take my own life now I no this is not the answer and trust me it's the most selfish act I have ever done but it just seem like a way out a way to stop hurting but it's not you hurt yourself and other people you love so like I said it's Been 2 months can't stop thinking about her I have good half days weekends are are a killer!!!!! You have so much going through your head that simple day to day task seem so hard so why I'm I writing this well help advice I think I'm doing all the best things working hard trying to see mates and family but feel like I'm living a lie when I see people it's like I'm putting on a act when inside I just want to cry sad I know. Where do you go from here every morning I have to fight my thoughts what's she doing is she with someone is she happy I drove to her moms to she if she was there why? Doesn't make me feel any better and I'm stronger then this Sorry for going on just need help from people who understand Its just taking to long.ray79
My wife now says she never loved me!!
but now I just can't let go. I can't move on. I'm like a dog following him around waiting for a pat on the head. I hear the usual stuff. I'm tired. If I didn't love you I wouldn't be here. I'm tired of u being depressed. 