well spoke to ex last night, she seemed cold to me, later she told me she si still struggling with us>>i said how, she said that she still has trouble with the past , my emotional abuse>>and she said that she is just waiting for us to start hating each other again, and start fighting>>I asked if she still wants to goto marriage counseling , and she said yes>>she told me she is very confused>>i am tired of being in limbo, but would like to make this work.
So, J had his back surgery yesterday. i stayed at the hospital with him for several hours. He asked me if we could go to counseling together. I told him i didnt think that was something we needed to talk about at the time. and he asked me if it was because i didnt want to try to work on things, and the only reason i didnt want to talk about it was because i didnt want to upset him right after his surgery. i again told him that now wasnt the time to talk about it, he was on way to many drugs to have a conversation.
i have been thinking a lot about this. i know that he needs to go to counseling on his own. i was thinking this could be the gateway for that.. i also asked my sil her thoughts on the matter. She recommended i go with him, that it really couldnt hurt anything, and it could possibly make it easier for us to coparent the kids, if we could go and work on our communication etc.
How do you handle a hostile, insecure spouse that can’t get out of her rut? I really don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to abandon my wife. But, especially for the kids, I can no longer tolerate a hostile house. She is in a bad way and needs real help and support.
Am I in over my head to even attempt to work this out without outside help?
At the very least, thank you for being here and allowing me to vent. That alone is a huge help to my sanity…
We’re in our late forties. Married 16 years. We have two kids 13 and 16. First marriage for both of us.
Though I knew from the start there were anger issues, they seemed minor, something I kidded her about. I’m pretty easy going, I joke that my head grows back fast when it gets whacked off.
Fast forward 20 years. Our 16 year old daughter is as close to perfection anyone will ever see. Our 13 year old son is truly great too but there were “challenges” that came with the diagnosis on the very mild end of autistic spectrum.
It’s three years ago today (seriously – I’ve been taking notes) that my wife wacked my head off unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. I don’t know what qualifies for a psychotic episode but this had to be close.
When I suggested a marriage counselor to help us navigate her tension and anger, she went thermonuclear. She was on the road, on her cell, on the way to her parents house, literally screaming at me.
The level of stress she is experiencing with our son’s “issues” (honestly folks, he’s barely autistic), plus my usual level of stress/workload from owning a small company is taking its toll on her. (she is a nurse though a stay-at-home mom, now back at work PT)
The tension and anger she is now routinely exhibiting is taking its toll on the kids and myself. My head seems to be getting whacked off on a regular basis. And now she has been butting heads with our son (including profanities from her) to the point that both kids are sincerely afraid of her. While our daughter sucks it up (spending more time in her room), he is now of the age where he is starting to push back.
I am basically accused of…
* not supporting her (not guilty) * not respecting her (not guilty) * she is made to look like a fool (nooooo….. but there’s not much that can be done if she goes ballistic on our son in public) * not communicating (not guilty, we always talk when I go home for lunch, dinner is always family time, evening is too unless I have to work or do the “daddy taxi” thing) * always defending the kids, especially the boy (partially guilty, they can’t defend themselves against her tirades, someone has to be “the adult” here)
Our conversations on the above are the typical “no you don’t, yes I do, no you don’t,…”. Even laying out examples has no effect on her conclusions. If she can take something anyone says or does negatively, she will. (I’ll forgo delving into her opinion on my family …)
Over the summer she went ballistic with the boy at a store. I walked in not sensing what’s going on, we started kibitzing to which she took high offense and proceeded to go ballistic tirade on me “for not supporting her”, calling him a bastard, threatening divorce and concluded with “I’m done with you all, I’ll just stay in the house and be the maid to all of you…”. It always flairs up real fast.
Last night’s tirade included for the first time from her “we need a marriage counselor” which I pounced on with all the positive reinforcement I could muster and said “yes we do”.
Between now and then I need to at least attempt to resolve her predisposition to anger and insecurity, try to figure out/resolve whatever my real/perceived contributions to the situation are and continue to reinforce ongoing conversions with our son to stop pushing back.
Am I in over my head? Can I, as the husband/father, effectively do anything here? I’m beginning to fear it’s beyond me.
I'm glad I found this site, and can share my story. It's good to burst everything out once in a while. Thank you in advance in case anyone will reply.
First of all, I'm a girl, in a conservative country. My first love - Anna, is a girl, way back grade school. We were good friends, but when I felt that I already love her more than that, I began being indifferent. I never told her my feelings, even after graduation in high school. We merely had any communication in high school, but she's been my inspiration for years, and my motivation to excel in my academics. I admire her so much, being the usual leader of all things. I assume that I've been in love her since around grade school to high school, which is like... 6 years.
After that 6 years - I'm already in college, and decided to forget about her. I studied in a distant school, far away from her. My grades nearly flopped without having any motivation. It wasn't long when I got a girlfriend, that I met online. I was in love, that I thought was a stronger one, because she loved me back. We're like a 8 months now, but we never met personally. We had plans, but because of some financial, family, and time problems, we are not able to make a step forward in our relationship. We are still texting, and calling each other. I think I can bear the distance, since it's been 8 months, and I never felt tired of her. I think I still love her.
But recently... I saw Anna again, but in Facebook. Still beautiful as before, still the Anna I admired. But in one glance at her picture, and a quick flashback of memories, my heart began to be confused. I never really moved on. I don't know if I still love my girlfriend. Especially when my girlfriend admitted that she still doesn't accept herself being a bisexual or a lesbian. Her family has been nagging her about having an intimate relationship with a girl (me). I proposed to "cool off" at least, so that she can think about it if she's able to continue our relationship, but she doesn't want a single day without me (w/o text or call). Plus, I don't know what to feel anymore. I love her, but I feel as though I haven't moved on from my first love. =(
I am new to this site. I guess I'm looking for some people who have experienced a similar situation like mine and some advice and comforting words. Sorry, this may be long.
My boyfriend of over a year and a half broke up with me rather suddenly just under three months ago and it hurts every single day. I never knew there could be such pain. The break up was a surprise to not only me but to both our family, friends and co-workers. It really came out of nowhere to everyone except, of course, for him.
We were, and still are, in love with each other. We were very compatible, shared many of the same interests, could talk about most anything, got along with each other families and friends, we both were affectionate with each other and told each other we loved each other all the time, traveled well, we spent a lot of time together - I was basicially living at his house which he always wanted me to consider to be my home too. Sure, we had fights and differences like most couples but nothing major. All signs pointed to a continued future together and possibly even marriage. He surprised me with a trip to CA for my birthday and then less than a month later he broke up with me.
Just a few days before he broke up with me he was acting a little distant. This was the first time he has ever acted that way. I thought he just had a lot on his mind with his job and it was just a 'crabby' time for him. Something that most people go through. Then on a beautiful summer day I noticed he was acting moody so I asked him what was wrong and he kept saying nothing, but then he had a lot on his mind but didn't want to talk about it and then all of a sudden he wanted to take a break from our relationship. I was shocked. I can remember most every detail of that day. He kept saying he was sorry - over and over. I can still hear him say it in my mind. He kept saying he was confused and he was crying and I was crying. I've experienced a few traumatic life events but this break up is the worst. He was my love - the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. My heart screams in pain.
I keep questioning why in my mind. I want to understand why this happened so suddenly (for me at least). I never really got a good reason from him beside that he is afraid of commitment yet we were in a committed relationship for over a year and a half. We both wanted to get married and start a family. I never pressured him about getting married.
I know part of the reason may be issues from his parent's divorce which occurred over 10 years ago. He also has father issues (he father is a successful business man and he pretty much wasn't there for his family because he was traveling all the time) - he wants to be like his father business wise but not abandon his family like his father did. He works for his father's business which stresses him out. When he broke up with me he said he was going to seek therapy for his issues (which I had recommended for him several times regarding his stress at work but he never listened). His mother, who is a great person and who comforted me shortly after the break up believes her son has priority issues. That he is choosing work over me, his family and friends and life in general. He believes that we would have ended up like his parents - unhappy and divorced, though I've told him that we are not his parents and you can't assume that would happen. He got it into his head that we wouldn't have worked out.
What makes me mad is that he never spoke to me about any of these doubts! I feel like I was robbed of even the slightest chance of making our relationship work. He said he spoke to his pastor and his father (his father being a very poor choice of person to seek relationship advice from) yet he didn't speak to the person he loves, the one who, besides himself, had the most invested in this relationship - me! So, I've analyzed this to death yet can't stop!
How does one begin to accept that something so wonderful is just over? One day it's just gone. That person you talked to everyday and went home to is just gone but the hard thing is they are still out there you just can't be with them. I have some good support - my mother, my friends and co-workers have been comforting. I've seen a therapist a couple times. I've been exercising, taking classes, trying new things, reading every self help book I can find, trying to be hopeful yet it hurts everyday.
Part of me wants to reach out to him to see if there is a possibility of getting back together. I just feel that such a good and loving relationship we had is very hard to find. I've been pretty good with the No Contact rule but I feel like if I don't try to reach out and try once I'll always be left wondering . . . It's probably a horrible idea to try to talk to him but I just can't accept that it's over. Ideas, thoughts, others experience in this situation???
My husband just left me a few days ago and im an emotional wreck. I knew we were having major issues but i hoped that we would work through them. We've been together since I was 15 (im now 30) have three kids and i've been told im better off without him, but how do i make myself believe that? He's got substance abuse issues and after 3 and a half years of being clean he began using again 7 months ago. When he started using he became abusive (physically, mentally,emotionally). Ive done everything I could think of to help him, but he wont help himself. im trying to hold it together for my kids but its hard. He's made me feel like Im nothing without him. I am the sole provider for the family so when he left, he did so with nothing. No money, no car, no place to go but an acquaintance. The same place he goes to get high. I dont understand why this hurts so much and why i would weant to be with a man like him, exept thats all i know. Everyone keeps telling me to be glad he's gone but i miss the man he is when he's not using. I feel like i will never be able to move on. I never wanted to be a single mother but he's not a good dad when he's like this. How do i let go of this man for my own sanity and my childrens?
So, my wife has found out that she isn't the first married woman her "soulmate" has gotten too close to. It hasn't gone this far with anyone else, but there's definitely a pattern here.
It hasn't changed her feelings at all, but it's gotta weigh heavily on her... I think.... right.....?
I'm glad to have found this site. I'm really looking for point of views of unfamiliar people. I met this guy January of this year. He lives in one state and I live in another. We very seldom see one another but talk long hours on the phone for hours nearly everyday. We began to be a part of each others lives even though our relationship was long distance. I thought we were really starting to get more involve with one another when he suddenly June of this year, he told me the distance was to much for him and he needed to pull back. I reluctanly agreed. only a week had passed when I received a text asking could he call. We even agreed to only be friends. Again we started talking alot again. My feeling for was growing stronger each conversation. Since we have met, we have seen each other six times and the interaction has been great. We get along well and compliment each other we also. I did my best to hold them back trying to keep him in the friend zone. But our telephone conversation almost daily was not helping. I explain to him how I feel and that I was struggling keeping him in the friend zone. he said he understoon and having the same problem. But still he only wants to be friends. Should I end the relationship? Should I hang around with hope oneday he will change his mind? Or should I try hard to simply be his friend?
I was with my wife for 8 years before we decided to marry. Shortly before that decision I admitted to having an emotional affair with a friend of mine, but saw that my issues were with me, not her. We struggled through it, but then found that our love was strong and finally decided to make the final commitment. We got married in our favorite city, holiday, and season. Basically December 27, 2008 in Chicago. That happens to be my hometown as we live in south Florida. Shortly after the marriage, within weeks, things got really ugly and I couldn't figure out what was going wrong. We should have been in the honeymoon phase and silly happy. Then she started telling me that maybe she was having an emotional affair with her friend. I did not hate her for it, because I understood it and begged her to go to couples counceling as we were obviously having communication problems. She wouldn't, but I continued, thinking I was flawed. We were getting ready to move into a new home and she hits me with the "I don't think I'm in Love with you". I did what anyone would do and begged her and we were going through something. So we moved and she stayed, but then kept going with the "I don't like you that way", but she wouldn't leave. She just kept hurting me over and over. Not coming home, not telling me where she was, being cruel. One week after her birthday and our 9 year anniversary she comes home and says she leaving. She wasn't going to hurt me anymore and left. that was Sept 2 this year. I still can't sleep, breath, eat. She said she just wants to be friends and tried to open up, but couldn't. She didn't even try. She covered it up. She has been so harsh to me since, that I can only react and tell her to stay away from me and I can't be friends. I believed us to be "soulmates" and she is going through something, but it is killing me. She says she loves me and never will love anyone the same. She doesn't want to let me go and wants friendship, but hates the thought of me being with anyone else. Now tonight she texted me that she wants me to live my life and if I find someone to take the opportunity. The physical pain is too much. Now with the holidays that I always spent with her family is like I never existed. Living in this state for her, I have literally no one. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to stop this pain that causes me to faint and vomit.
I was just wondering, if it does help>.my wife asked me to go set it up,. she told me that she starts to get close to me, but then feels the need to shut down, becuase she does not want to get hurt again.
My wife of 10 and a half years says she doesn't know whether she is "In Love" with me anymore and needs to seperate from me to "find herself and figure out who she is and her new identity. The back story is that we have two young boys 5 and 9, 6 dogs and 2 rats. She just turned 30 last week and I turn 39 in 2 weeks. So if you do the math yes she had our first child when she was only 20. It happened very quickly and the two of us waited to get married until he was 3 for many reasons.
So here goes, On September 11 2007 I was severely wounded in Iraq causing me to loose my left leg and sustain multiple spinal and back fractures. I also shattered my right heel and had an open fracture at my right tibia. I spent 3 months or so in the Hospital and have been recovering ever since. I was in Iraq for 11 months before I was injured so my wife was taking care of our boys, house and all affairs during that time. Then I got hurt.
It has been the most difficult 26 months of my life. I am in chronic pain 24 hours a day and while I can move and walk now, I have only been doing it well for the last 3 or 4 months. I have continued to struggle with me getting some since of normalcy back in to my life. I have just recently began to get involved again with my children and wife because I am able some to walk and do for myself as well as them. But it is not enough and has never been enough for my wife. It is like she is holding the fact that a terrorist tried to kill me two years ago and somehow I was supposed to be able to help cook and clean the house and take care of the kids all while going to therapy 2 to 4 hours a day plus Doctor's appointments.
I love my wife so much and all I get is "I've tried to tell you to help me and to change and this time I am just leaving without giving you that chance". I am by no means a perfect Husband even under the circumstances. I do not want to put blame totally on my wife. But to give me the I" I love you but I may not be in love with you any more speech without even giving consideration to the 10 years and two young children we have together???
I have read many other entries about wives in particular doing this very same thing to their husbands. I have read all I can about this on the internet and they all say to give her her space and she will come around or not.
The ironic part is that I went back to Iraq as part of a Special Operation Proper Exit trip that was made so that 8 of us wounded Soldiers could go back and see the difference we made in that country and understand that what we have gone through and the young men and women who have died did not do so in vain. I left many mental and even some physical demons back there this time around. I was refreshed and wanted to start anew with my wife but then I got The Speech! What is a man to do? I feel betrayed by the very person I almost gave my life for and all she can say is that I am making this all about me again! Well this is because she is placing blame 100% on me because she will not give me any answers other than those I spoke about.
I am angry, depressed and my Purple Heart is broken in a million pieces...
another snag
