Just when I am starting to put things behind me and start on with my life I keep getting constant reminders of him. I can't even turn of the flipping TV without a reminder being there.
So today I had to meet the X at the bank to some of my papers out of the safety deposit box before the new year. He's going in for surgery soon and he looks like h*ll...It such a shock to see him looking so sick...We decided it'd be easiest to just close the box out, and as we were in the little room removing everything, I was struck by the futility of it all. Renting a little locked box to keep all the "important" stuff safe...so futile as all this stuff doesn't mean anything in the end....it's all just the trappings of the world....and neither does being "safe" either.... really.
At the back of the box was a camcorder tape marked with the name of our dead pet...I welled up when I saw that cause I'd forgotten it was in the box...he said he'd make a copy for me...and when he saw the papers and photos I'd pulled out as mine, he apologized....for everything....and I knew he meant it.
Then we just left the little room and turned in the key. That's it. It's done. I even got my apology. So why don't I feel any better? Is it just because I know now that "safety" is the ultimate illusion? It's going to be okay...what I lack in optimism and luck I make up for with bravery...
My son came home from his dad's house on Sunday. His dad told me that our son had something on his leg I should look at. Working at the hospital, I knew that MRSA was going around and what it looked like. I was pretty sure that's what my son had acquired.
I called the ER and spoke with a paramedic. He suggested I bring my son in for treatment immediately because it sounded as if that was in fact what he had. So I took my son in, and the doctor looks at it and says "yep that's a staph infection." He decides not to do an I&D because he didn't think my son would go for it. He puts my son on a regular antibiotic and tells me to use hot compresses an hour after each dose of the medicine to help facilitate drainage.
I took my son to our family doctor's today because my son's leg is just getting worse, not better. Anyway, my family doc about flipped out when he saw my son's leg. He said right away that it was MRSA and not just any old staph infection. So back to the pharmacy with a list of things to get: new antibiotic, ointment for his nose and fingers, bandages, epsom salts...
I just spent $50 copay at the ER on Sunday, $5 copay for his first prescription, $100 copay for my daughter at the ER on Tuesday, $30 copay for her prescription, $10 each for their doctor's visits today....so needless to say I was broke.
I have to launder everything in the house while the kids are at my mom's for the night. I took today off work because I wasn't feeling very well and because I had to take the kids to the doctors. I'll be taking off tomorrow too to finish cleaning everything in the house.
My boyfriend won't come up this weekend now because of my son's infection. My son can't go to daycare or school for the next two weeks. I have no one to watch him for a good part of that time.
Last year at this time you filled my life with joy, hope, and the promise of tomorrow. I loved the sound of your laughter, the way that you looked at me, the way that you held me, our long baths together, making love to you, and the deep spiritual connection that we shared. I had so much fun teaching you to snowboard, hiking with my dogs in the mountains with you, and holding your hand as we walked to get coffee. Your smile made me feel something that I hadn't felt in a long time...alive...truly alive.
After my divorce I didn't think that I would every let my guard down again to love anyone. I had grown content being alone and accepted that I could be on my own. I would rather be alone than let anyone inside my heart, anyone that could one day also hurt me. However, when I met you...everything inside of me told me that it was safe to let you in. So I did, destroying walls that were constructed with thousands of tears. I thought I was safe with you. I trusted you.
I was kind to you. I was selfless. I loved you with everything that I had to give you. I did some beautiful, pure, and wonderful things for you. However, when you chose to let me in the moment was fleeting and it scared you. I assured you that you were safe with me. I knew your issues like I know my own. Perhaps that scared you? It excited me. I did things for you that I never did for my ex-wife. I loved you more and couldn't believe in hindsight that I had actually married the woman I once called my wife. You were everything that I had been searching for, and after finding you I wasn't prepared to let you go. I never wanted anything more than a life with you, but that wasn't to be.
I hope that you find solace knowing that I loved you, and for a brief moment I saw you for who you are...and loved you for it. I am reeling by the loss of you...
I had a Vonage account earlier this year. I had the account suspended for 2 months when I moved out of state and then cancelled it when I discovered I no longer would use it.
They have charged me for 3 months of service when I haven't used it and have refused to cancel my account.
I went through the protocol and got no where in the process.
All of these deaths are connected with my nephews and I think everyone is at the point of "what's next!"
So I for one welcome 2008 because well 2007 has proven to be pretty F***ing hard!! By the way - this isn't a pity post - Just venting that's all! I "am" going to counseling already because with my nephew, I know I can't do this on my own. In fact it's been 2 1/2 months and I feel emotionless, empty almost too where the pain is so big I feel nothing at all! Waiting for the floor to fall from under me, but it just hasn't yet.
I dont come here too often, but I got a big blow tonight. I am very happy about my divorce, I was cheated on many many times. In all of this I have gotten a little place to live for me and my little girls (3 and 4 y/o) and we do ok. But tonight I get a call from their father (my ex) and he is wanting to talk to them for the first time in who knows how long. He tells them and me that he is getting married Jan 2 and has bought a house and they will have a nice new room, etc... Ok for some reason that ruined my day. I mean, I work hard for what the girls and I have. He provides minimal child support. The girls are on WIC and we live in subsidised housing. It takes all I have to make sure they have what they need a just a little more. Now he has a new house, two new vehicles, is getting married... Ugggg.... why does it bother me? I dont want to be with him or anything like that, but it bugs me that he is on top of the world while I am on my butt....
So the holidays are here. I am back crying my ass off. I am getting rejected by lots of women. Shit on by others. I know I should not be dating, but its the only thing that I have to keep me busy. Guess I need to find other things. I was crying all night last night. I started bringing up memories of my ex. Things that I thought I had forgotten started coming back, pieced together in all weird kinds of ways. A different more depressing clarity came to me. It hurt me a lot. I wish this would stop. I just wish to live again. Every other second I get rejected I have trouble living. I am dreaming about her again. I hate doing that. I haven't dreamt about her in months. I feel like it's because of the rejections. The rejections make me cry because it reminds me of the big rejection she did to me. Of the pain that came with it all. I hate my life. I hate who I am. When will it stop???
Hi all, I hope each of you found some way to be alright today. I've tried to be thankful for what I do have, which is a lot compared to others in this situation, and have had a pretty good day but since this site will be down soon I'm going to have a vent...
You kept me from speaking to my son on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until you brought him home. You said you didn't hear your phone ring? That is a big crock of $hit. You mean to tell me that you didn't look at your phone phone for 18 hours?! I can honestly say I wouldn't have done that to you. I've learned that keeping our son from you is my mistake and I hoped that you had grown up enough to know that too. You obviously never looked at this site. A phone call is more than just a phone call on Christmas and you refused me that right. You are an evil, rotton, self centered, dispicable bitch of a woman. No, you're not a woman but some triffling junior high bitch. Looking at you today as I confronted you on this made me sick. You're disgusting and I could tell from the look in you're eyes that somewhere inside you knew it. I didn't stew on this all day as I knew to expect nothing but the lowest from you but today, aside from the fact that you left us from one or our supposed friends, you were at a new low. I've tried to forgive you and forget about all the $hitty things you did but they just keep coming. I've tried to be decent with you but apparently decency is not something you know about even after you got want you wanted. FU until the next occassion and I'm sure there will be another.
I learned somethings today. I learned not to expect anything but the worst from my xw. That's sad but she never fails to let me down. I know I can be difficult sometimes but I'm not unreasonable and I can be told that I'm wrong. This situation has really helped me to get an understanding of what my xw and my future relationship will be like, difficult. She has proven herself time and time again that if I expect the worst I won't be suprised. I tried to extend the palms of peace the other day and was basically told to go F myself. At least I tried but I won't do that again. If this is how she wants it to be I have no other choice. At least I have no doubts in my mind as to what her character consists, or doesn't consist of.
Tonight, all three of my boys are over at my X's house and here I sit in my two bedroom apartment. THis is the first year in about 4 years that we could all be together at Xmas so this is really hitting me hard.
I know I have not lost them as one lives with me and both of the other two are upset that my X (by her own words) "pushed me away - for a second time". However, that does not make tonight any easier.
I know tomorrow will be better but tonight I am, like so many on here, very sad.
Ever since my brother in law took his own life 9 years ago we have had nothing but shitty holidays! I mean we used to seriously have some good holidays prior to my brother in laws death. I remember us laughing, playing games, watching football and betting on it....etc. I mean ok it's going to be easy for anyone to just say "change it - have fun - it's all up to you if you have fun" when you have the drunk that stole Christmas lurking around......
Let's run down a "few" of the holidays over the years (Trust me there ARE many so here are just some inserts of a few!)
1. One Christmas I quit smoking, was embarrassed and knew my mom would be disappointed. Well me and my brother in law (new one since the others death - in fact he was the new one 2 1/2 MONTHS after the other ones death) went into the garage to have a smoke. We weren't hiding, it was cold out, and we were in the garage. My sister came out screaming at me saying I was trying to steal her BF. Keep in mind my sister is 17 years older than me as is her BF. I just started laughing (Couldn't help it!) and said I think I can do a little bit better than your fat, old & balding BF, No Offence S....he said "None taken". Anyways after much more yelling on her part I finally felt it best to leave. Then my little nephew Ty said "You always ruin the holidays!" It was so heartbreaking, but yet I was not about to discredit to him, his mom. He of course finally got older and realized it wasn't me making the mistakes.
2. One year, sister was SO drunk she was sitting up at the dining room table staring in the window doors out to the patio yelling at herself mind you saying things such as "WTF are you looking at"....that was great - a wonderful blast from the past of it was like seeing my dad drunk all over again (He has been sober now fortunately for 5 or 6 years now?)
3. A recent one (this past thanksgiving) there was my sister getting drunk after just having gotten out of Rehab (due to having to - court ordered) and her oldest son (20) taking her booze from her.....a few times considering she had a few stashes....then at the dinner table her BEGGING for a beer.....then later on in the entryway again BEGGING for a beer (Pathetic huh) and THEN when she was denied she took off over to the neighbors, and came back with 2 beers in her jacket pockets.
This year I and my nephews said if things go bad (which they will sadly) then we are going to say F this and go see a movie on Christmas!! We are all dealing with the now suicide of my nephew Ty and this sucks ASS!
Everyday I feel almost emotionless, empty, numb, etc. When the pain is so great, you feel nothing at all......they say there are 7 stages of grief and me and my family are still in STAGE ONE! Shock......and it's been 2 1/2 months. I keep waiting for the ground to fall beneath me, and it hasn't. In my head I know my nephew is gone, in my heart I don't......
I Can't Get Away From Him
