I spent all day Wednesday with R in the ER.  Still no answers for her pain.  The ultrasound did show the right ovary enlarged, they couldn't find her left ovary.  The pain mimics the appendix, but all the tests came back normal.  The only definative answer is a scope and/or surgery.

I no longer have the will to continue being in a marriage where I am constantly yelled at, called names, degraded, humiliated, and bullied.

For those that stood by me and saw through all of her lies, thank you. I'm sorry for anyone that thought they were being dragged into the middle of my custody battle. It was never my intention to have family members stand in between each other. I understand that blood is thicker than water, but my kids are blood, and that's what concerns me most. Moreso, I hope my kids will be able to recover from the lies that she's been filling their heads with, and some day come to understand the final truth: She is just like her mother, and you will be treated like crap, ad nauseum.

I love my kids with all of my heart, and keep their best interests in mind with every decision I make. That's why I have decided to drop the battle for custody. She lies to them, keeps them from me, and fills them with false hope and empty promises. THAT is what hurts them most, and I don't want them to suffer from her selfishness any more.

I understand that some people might take offense to this note. It is not my intention to hurt anyone. I simply want to explain why things happened and how it ends...for now...

Is it just me, or is all the music on the radio all about love/cheating/etc.  It's hard to even just listen to the radio right now. 

I hear all these songs, and I'm just sure that my wandering spouse listens to the radio, and every song makes her think of 'him'.  <gak>

Of course on my side, all the songs are about wallowing in your sorrow, hate, and revenge.  Not really where I want to go.

So, my only choice is to listen to inspirational radio.  Which, I don't mind, I just don't want to be limited to one station on the radio...

Some random thoughts....
I had a woman leave for another man a LONG time ago and every so often these bolts of lightning about what exactly happened flash in my head.....
You see, I think that if someone leaves you for another and they STAY with their dream lover, it's really akin to sticking the knife in and turning it...slowly.
Is it not?
Now I know all the facts...she wouldn't have done it if she truly loved me and I deserve better, blah, blah.
I have no concrete info that she is in fact still together with her prince, not having contact for years....but I'm just sayin....

I should mention when we met she was married ( third guy in the equation )and gave me the line her husband doesn't "understand " her.

So, anyway, maybe he's everything she ever wanted. I know she did everything in her power to get rid of me!
I know....why should I care after EIGHT years....
It's those damn flashes of lightning! lol....usually when I'm shaving, looking in the mirror

I was going to post this under dating but really it's more of a vent. Just have to get it off my chest.

I simply cannot go on another bad first date.
I won't do it to myself....or to him.
I have no idea why I continue to be so stupidly optomistic but it's completely ridiculous that I am actually happy when someone turns out to be merely boring and unable to converse....because the alternatives of liar, cheater, crazy & neurotic stalking ex-con addict still-actually-married-but-going-through-a-phase are the worse alternatives.
When did this get so hard?
No mind...I went to the video store today....for the first time in over two years. They made me sign up for a new account since it has been so long.
How's that for making you feel like a loser?
I am done with dating and plan to spend the winter camped out watching movies with my cats.

Yes, I am officially resigning myself to being a crazy cat lady, single and alone. Whatever.
 
It's still better than going on another bad first date.

(And there, I said it outloud....the thing you're not supposed to say....dating sucks.)

I really need to toss this in the garbage.

I need to paint a quick picture though.

When my son entered kindergarten, I met a woman who was a single mother as well. My son and hers became great friends for years, as did we. We lived a few blocks apart and shared many years together. Lots of memories and I considered her a very close friend.

Until.

She decided to marry the man who was the best man at her wedding to her now ex husband. Her first marriage broke down due to drug abuse on her husband's part and other issues. He was a well known musician who sold out for sex , drugs and rock n roll.

Okay so once she started dating this guy , I noticed a definite change in her attitude towards me. It was passive/aggressive in nature and screamed " I am better than you" She owned her own home. I did not. She was about to get married. I was single. She drove a fairly new car. I drove something much older. Etc etc.........I did not feel jealousy towards her but I did feel like she would look down upon me and pity me or something. Wtf?

I dealt with this for quite some time but my resentment was growing. I finally  sucked it up and had a frank conversation with her concerning how she would speak to me etc. She was not able to deal with the truth and the friendship ended immediately.

Damn I forgot the important part lol. A few months before the "conversation", I shared with her my exciting idea to enter the jewelry business. She was not supportive at all. Infact, she was extremely negative and told me bluntly why she felt it would be a waste of my time.

I thankfully did not listen to her nor any other haters and pursued my dream.

Let's jump forward about ten years or more. Last spring I had this nagging feeling which was urging me to contact her. I did think of her often over the years , felt badly for what happened and quite frankly, missed her. When I called her she said she had been trying to find a way to contact me. Go figure.

Anyways, I carefully started the friendship up with her again. I knew too well that most people do not change. Most will remain stuck in their neurosis and not  have the courage to face their crap.

Since the friendship dissolved, I have changed a great deal. Primarily due to the breakup which brought me to Ojar in the first place. It was my bottom and I am very thankful for the pain I went through. She has commented many times on how much I have changed.

Anyhow, in the back of my mind when I first contacted her, I wondered how she was going to handle the fact that I have a very successful jewelry business now. I knew there was a chance it may become an issue as she appears to be more insecure and neurotic than she was ten years ago.

She often showed up at my shows and showed interest in what I was doing. She would lend a helping hand and ask me many questions pertaining to my business. I shared "some" with her but of course I am wary of sharing too much with anyone besides my spouse as I know many people are basically shit and would steal from me if they could.

Jump back three weeks from now. I get an email from her . She states she is very excited about a new business venture. She hopes I won't be offended and then goes onto say she is going to go into the jewelry business and has already placed her first order for some gemstones (from one of my suppliers which I had trusted the info to her)

I never answered the email as my stomach dropped to the floor. I felt betrayed. I honestly never slept that night. I felt like she has slapped me so hard in the face and the sting from the slap continues to burn.

I am not threatened by her entering the same industry in the city I live in. I am more saddened and hurt by the fact that she had so little respect for me and our friendship.

I no longer want to continue the friendship.

I have torn feelings on this though. I know some of you will see me as being petty. And maybe a few of you will understand?

Give it to me straight.

I am extremely sadden by the loss of this friendship.

Okay before I tell the story I have a question for you Ojar..........


What in your opinion does it mean when an ex hangs on to her ex husband's last name and then even hyphenates it with her new hubby's name now that she is remarried?

I had originally posted this under the 'kids' section, but I'm so riled up right now, I think it's more of a vent.

I knew this day would come, but get a knot in the pit of my stomach every time my son gets into a car driven by one of his teen friends.  I'd found a little comfort in my son not itching to get his license right at 16 like most, but now I think I'd rather he be the driver than the passenger.  I had him take the 'Arrive Alive' class at school and when I picked him up, he was like, 'Thanks, mom, as if I wasn't scared enough to drive, do you know what a train can do to a car?'  I know he's nervous because of my auto accidents, but now I think I'd rather he be driving with his healthy respect for cars than his oblivious friends, ya know?  I'm just grateful my sons don't even sit in a car without a seatbelt.  

So many things can happen.  A parent can go crazy thinking about it.  Like those two little yellow, painted lines that separate oncoming traffic from head on collisions?  Have you ever really thought about it?  It's terrifying!  Not to mention, they have cell phones and texting that we didn't have when we thought we knew what we were doing.   Not a comforting thought...  

I'm terrified.  I don't want to project my fears onto my sons, but I am just so scared because you just never know.  When I was 16, I got a little red, 2 seat, sporty car and pushed the speed limit and assuming everyone else would do what they were supposed to do.  Like everything else, with time and experience comes knowledge, but will my sons be some of the lucky ones that don't die learning respect for what a responsibility it is?  I'm driving myself crazy and I know there is little I can do.  Suggestions of anything else I might do are welcome.  I need to know I've done everything I can.  

Sometimes I think it is going well but at the moment it seems to have taken a downhill ride since I gave lovely presents to two of their children for their birthdays.

I was told do not buy the children toys for the children's birthdays.  I bought them beautiful bedlinen instead.

Son's wife said that the children were not ready for those gifts yet.  (I am sure it was just her not wanting to use bedlinen that I had chosen).

The children often sleep in beds with no sheets at all.  Bedspreads are not washed for months at at time.

I am getting bad vibes but no explanation from wife and son said that the gifts were not ideal and they would rather receive sporting sets eg cricket.

We give them so much of our time and energy and save them thousands of dollars with work we do at their place and yet we never measure up. 

I am convinced that we will never get the happy family I would like because they always seem to have attitude against us unless they want a job done by us.

Very downhearted and hurt by their attitudes.

I have twin brothers.  The younger of the 2, JM, and I just do not get along.  We never have.  He had issues with me moving to MA to be with Lg, and ever since then, he treats me like I am substandard.  I called him tonight to discuss our Christmas exchange, and he was completely in another world.  He wasn't even listening to anything that I said, and the conversation didn't last 5 minutes.

It angers me because I am the only sister that he has, and he needs to grow the hell up and get over himself.  It wouldn't kill him to have a 15 minute conversation with me.  And just because he and his wife just bought their first house, it doesn't mean that he's better than me.

yeah i'm posting again. i want answers to questions. i want explanations. i want to know how??
how do you go from asking to marry you and live with you a few weeks ago to now "just chill" "let it happen"
how can people say they love you but still hurt you and keep you hanging on? i am there for him and his son. i'm at football games. i'm at the bus stop to make sure he's on it. i try to stay away then he gets mad when i don't call. he gets mad when i'm not there or i make my own plans. but he could care less when he breaks our plans. i just don't get it. i see him and i tell him to let me go. to stop calling and texting but he says he doesn't want to let me go. he has been through a lot. he recently became a single father. but i don't know if this is anexcuse. he is going thru a lot on his job and still trying to get the hang of being the only parent for his son. i just want to know. i want him to tell me the truth. i want to accept the truth. sorry. i'm at a low point right now. so i have all the questions and i'm scared to accept the answers. i just can't accept that after all this time it ends like nothing. which is weird cuz i went thru this w my ex husband. it was diff. but kinda the same. i knew what the ex was doing. he didn't lie about it. i made the decision to stay. but now i don't know the truth. i don't know what's real. sorry