Living in Emotional Limbo.... babyface: I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. My husband is acting normal around me. We talk about moving into our new house, the kids, life, etc...but I know that under the surface, he doesn't want "this" anymore. This life. The house, the kids, me, etc... He and I are in councelling. We're talking. But he still won't make any sort of decision. He says he'll know when the time is right to decide to leave or to decide to stay. So, here I am, loving him, loving our life together...can't imagine what life would be life if we weren't together, weren't a family. And HE'S imagining what life would be like without me. He's a mess - he says his heart isn't here - with me. He says his heart isn't in anything anymore. He just does not care. I asked him if he believes he's depressed (because I do) and pointed him to a "men and depression" website. He really identified with the stories on the site - but isn't willing to make a committment to figure out if medication is something he needs. Truthfully, neither am I. I don't know if medication is the answer for him feeling "NOTHING" for me (or anything else in his life) or if he just needs something else. I don't know. I'm so confused. If he's in a depression and needs help - I want to be here, like I've always been here for him. BUT if he truly doesn't want to be here - I want him to leave and figure out what it is he truly wants. My friends are telling me to tell him to leave. It's SO hard when you're actually in the relationship. The thing is...he's not himself right now. He's normally affectionate, always grabbing me, always up for sex...Now he does NOTHING. He doesn't want to have sex - says he has ZERO interest. He doesn't touch me, hug me, kiss me, kiss my neck, rub my shoulders, tell me he loves me, NOTHING. I'm feeling really gross about myself as a result. I feel unattractive - probably for the first time in my life (other than when I was pregnant :-) ), and completely unloved and rejected. It's a horrible feeling - I miss him. I miss us. I miss it all. I feel helpless to do anything about it. God. I'm a mess. I'm stressed and losing weight - I'm down to 105lbs, and my good weight is like 115lbs. I'm trying to stay healthy and gain some weight - to take care of myself. But when I'm stressed, I don't eat. Of course, this is just adding to my current self esteem issues. I can't live like this. Do I stick by him until he figures himself out, OR, do I ask him to leave to figure himself out. This is horrible. My daughter (who's 7) is starting to notice that I look sad all the time. I just don't know what to do.....
Re:Living in Emotional Limbo.... badperson_failure: i know this may sound simplistic, but maybe he can try a new hobby or something?
maybe have him write a list of all the things that have excited him in his life....anything....or something he always wanted to do
from someone who took life and a love for granted, i would have benefited greatly from being away...maybe he can go on a trip or something?
my life is tossable so of course grain of salt with this post :)
take care and good luck
Re:Living in Emotional Limbo.... sad sad neko: Wow it's funny that i read your story i'm kinda going through something similar and it's very hard because everyone in my life says move on you deserve better. The only thing I can tell you from some of the new books i've been reading is you have to take care of yourself first and then and only then will you be ready to deal with the world. I know when the man you love all of a sudden stops feeling you loose it. Be strong and really think of yourself and your kids. Please forgive me if I hurt you with this question do you think there might be another person on his mind. People get tired of the same old thing and think the grass is greener on the other side always. Food for thought. Counseling is good, but be careful not to think any of this is your fault because we choose to feel a certin way and if he thinks it's depression then he should seek help. Hang in there I hope it all ends well. I still beleive in Happily ever after in Love ;)
Re:Living in Emotional Limbo.... babyface: Yeah...I definitely think that the catalyst was a 20 year old girl he met at the bar he works at. He's 31. Yuck. Anyway....he thinks she's cool and fun, no responsibilities...it's alluring (she's also blonde, big boobs, little girl, etcc - - that helps) I think he's attracted to the life that she leads, even more than her. But yes...he's interested in other girls. I'm sure of it. He'd never been with anyone before me. How could he not wonder? But it's no excuse. I hadn't been with ANY great amount of guys before I met my husband - and I'm still very attracted to him - even 8 years later. He looks at porn on the web, and the young girls attract him. Chesty, young girls. I'd always had the chest part of the equation...but since my weight loss and breast feeding two babies...my "sisters" have dropped to about a 34 C and they've lost their "fun". That was always a part he was so gung ho over me for. Other than my chest, I dont' have a whole lot of curves...just pretty slim. Now, I just look like a stick. It's no WONDER he's looking at other girls. Even so......
I tried to make him take a trip - he wouldn't go. I tried to make him understand that there are lots of things you can still do when you're married...even thought there are boundaries...he just doesn't know if he wants the boundaries. What are your stories?
Re:Living in Emotional Limbo.... jt5639: I can relate to living in emotional limbo. My ex (yes, sorry - he ended up leaving) freaked out on me at the begining of this year, said he didn't feel close to me anymore. At that point I asked him if he wanted to leave- he said he wanted to work it out. He didn't talk to me much about it then - all I know about this came after. His mom died in November, he's having personal crisis - re-examining his life (this is all stuff I see - not what he's said).
Anyway - we went to counseling. He stopped touching me, stopped saying he loved me. I was a wreck. I don't feel like he was ever "present" at counseling. He gave it a whopping 4 sessions and then told me that he "didn't want to do this anymore".
I've learned since that he was emotionally overwhelmed - couldn't make any decisions. We were in limbo still for two months after that. Pushing/pulling. Calling me crying 'cause he missed me, but not wanting to come back. Just this last week I've hit a point where I know it's over. I had been giving him research on a "healing seperation" and asked him to do that instead of fully ending it because he seemed so unsure. He said no - that he needs us to move on. Then I freaked and walked out. He called me that night, crying saying that he feels so sure that this is right when he's alone, but when he's with me he questions everything and feels it's not right. I decided then that I needed to move on. I'm confusing him - and more importantly - I was tired of being rejected by him.
I still have hope - so much, but the things he says - "I love you, but there's so much about our relationship that I didn't love" - I know that we can't be together - at least not for a long time. He has a lot of things to work on, as do I. I hope we will be together again, but the only way for us to do that is to each follow our own paths for awhile, and see if they lead to eachother again.
I don't know how helpful this is - except to say I can relate to how you feel. As much as it hurts, and I'm crying now writing this - I know for him it's over. And I knew that 3 months ago when we were in counseling, but was too panicked to admit it to myself.
You know your boundries when it comes to how much of this you can take. Be true to yourself. He needs time and space (yes, our favorite phrase) to figure this out, but you need to think of you.
