It's a bad day today and every day rmcdermid: Well my ex called me tonight..and I found myself begging for us to get back together and crying etc etc..He said he can forgive me not giving him his space, but it will take time. Is he just saying that? All I want is to see his face and for him to hug me and tell me it's gonna be ok..I called back and left him a sobbing message, but I think he was on his way over to his new gf's house. he said he thinks about me, but that I am too controlling and he doesn't think that I will ever get better. what if he falls in love with the new gf? I'm scared that if he is spending time with someone else, he will just forget about me and only remember the bad times, not the good..and there were alot of good times for sure. I just want to make things right, and I don't know how. all of his friends are coaching him to break up..how can I possibly compete with that? my life has no meaning right now, I don't think i've eaten for 3 days now, and slept for at least 2. He says we can talk on the phone once a day...but I want to see him face to face, to just talk and try to explain to him everything. he blames everything on me and I am taking all the blame..but he had his part in this for sure. it kills me to think he is going out for dinners,having sex,and fun etc with someone else while I sit here in total misery. can someone help me????
Re:It's a bad day today and every day Sittingbear: hi Rmcdermid..
It is part of the process of seperation...when I read your missive, I see a younge one...whom isn't comfortable with the emotions of seperation. Tell me something..have you given all of yourself to this other human being? It would make sense to me if you had, fore you wish to continue a connection to the other,.
Allow me to ask another question Rmcdermid...you remember the good times of being with this other human being...why is this not enough..and learn from the so called bad times?
The best way I know how to make something right is ,,
to be the best you , that you know, and continue to add more good to yourself, and within yourself. This is very powerful...yet how can you rmc...be the best when you are not caring for yourself..sleep deprivation and fasting will not help much ... please eat something, and rest when your body and mind tell you...Your no good to yourself or anyother if you don't take care of yourself.
I too have blamed myself for a breakup...driving myself bonnkers with what could I have done different , or what ever....is wrong with me? Yet with sharing my thoughts and feelings with the good people here at ojar , I have received great support and various guidance to some answers that I have not thought before...especially when I was all messed up in confusion, frustration, and self anger. Yet their are many here whom have experienced the seperation and are more than willing to volunteer there solutions, suggestions to helping you get over this hump you are facing....
It almost killed me, when I would run them thoughts about my previous relationship reconnnecting to another. Yet talking, sharing has truly helped...and I found my personal path again ,, not the others ,,but mine..email me if you'd like...
<Michael - deleted email address for privacy. Please use this sites private mesg. feature to contact>
I would love to support your return to health...
Re:It's a bad day today and every day Jaded: I have expereinced everything that you have written here...the controlling comments, the emotions, the feelings, no eating, no sleeping, the separation, everything...
Something that I've learned...as much as you want to call him..talk to him..touch him...and just see him, it does not mean the same to him right now. His perception is not your perception. You cannot change that in him right now. I went through counseling with my husband to get him to see that I care for him and was trying to be less-controlling. He saw my effort and admitted this; however, it did not change his perception. That comes on his own time.
I was told to act as though I agreed with him..that I wanted the separation and to completely agree with him on everything. I know it sounds crazy and believe me, it is INCREDIBLY difficult to do. You cannot go back on this method if you want it to work. It takes perseverance, believe me. Prior to me doing this I was a wreck. I was just how you presently sound. When a counselor told me to do this I laughed. I thought, "How could me agreeing with him get him back in my life?" His response: "He thinks you're too controlling..everything you do right now, he's going to see that you are trying to control him..his natural instinct is to rebel because he's angry, hurt and confused. If you agree with him on everything, you're not trying to control him..you're agreeing with him and he has nothing to say about your controlling characteristics anymore. He'll start seeing you for who you really are, the person he fell in love with." Could this be true? Would this really work?
I did it. I agreed with him on everything. "You're right, I am too controlling, you're right, we aren't good for one another, you're right, we should separate, you're right, you're right, you're right." THIS WAS SO HARD TO DO! I could not argue with him on anything lest I ruin the chances of showing him that I am not controlling and that I love him. I wish I knew about this tactic earlier because prior to this I was so hurt, I asked him to move out. I know that if I did this earlier, we would be further alone than without it.
Anyway, his perception of me slowly started changing. If he thought that I was controlling, he wasn't being shown that..how could he, I was agreeing with him..there's nothing to control if you agree with someone. It's been a long road for me too, but his perception has changed and that was my main goal. You CANNOT change a person's perception..you can only change the things you do to allow a change in their perception. Make sense?
Since I started this tactic, he has called me, asking me how I was doing, and then asking me, "How are you really doing?", do I need anything, is there anyone else in my life, etc.. I couldn't believe it! This really works? Unfortunately, he has since left here to go to Iraq to serve in the war, which makes things a little more difficult...but, but, but..before he left, he came by the house, wrote me a nice note stating that he was leaving his car in my care if I needed to use it. He also left me his only bank card if ever I needed anything. To me, that says alot...I still have hope and so should you if you want this to work.
The feelings that you're experiencing are normal (or at least I exp'd them too). I don't want to keep writing if this doesn't help you...please know that I am here for you and you can email me anytime if you need to talk.
Blessings my dear,
Jaded
Re:It's a bad day today and every day lewis0416: Does that method really work? I have contemplated on it but think it is false.
