Do I Have the Right? hurtingverymuch: Hey all, this has been on my mind for the past week or so and I justed wanted to get some input.
Been separated about 4 months now after finding out my s2bx had cheated on me. Well, about a month and a half ago he decides that he wanted to try the marriage counselling thing. I suggested that he work on trying to resolve his issues first and to make sure that this is what he wanted (mainly because we had just finished signing the separation papers, documents for the final sale of our "dream" home and I thought that this is what may be bothering him and that he was just "grieving" the loss of the past and what we had). I want and need to make sure that he truly wants to still work on us because I don't know if I can go through all the pain, anxiety, depression, and everything else a second time. He agreed to work on himself first.
Well, here we are 6 weeks later and the last time I spoke to him and this whole thing came up early last week, he told me that he had gotten alot of his issues sorted out and that he was feeling better. He hasn't been to a therapist yet but he sounded much more positive about himself and happier.
Sorry for the rambling but my question is, do I have the right to ask him what he meant by his comment about that he has sorted through alot of his issues and what that means in regards to us? Or, should I just not go there and let him tell me when he's ready?
The reason I ask is that he's been going out quite a bit (don't get me wrong - I know there's nothing wrong with that) but I have a feeling he might be dating, which if he's trying to figure out if he wants to work on "us", IMO isn't right. Do I have the right to ask him is he's dating being that we are separated?
I don't know I seem to be regressing instead of progressing in my healing. The panic attacks are starting to become more frequent again and my heart sinks thinking about him possibly dating someone else while he's supposed to be figuring out where he stands on us. I know this is partially my fault as well, letting myself get my hopes up that there may be a possibility that we could work things out and pretty much putting my life and my moving forward on hold until he figures things out. I just don't want to become a doormat for him either for him thinking that he can always come back if things don't work out with someone else.
Yep, sorry I'm rambling here. Thanks for listening to such a long post and I'd really appreciate any advice or comments on this.
Hugs
Hurt
Re:Do I Have the Right? ataloss: I personally think that you have a right to ask him where his is on things. He's the one who said he wanted to try counseling. He agreed to get his act together first so you don't end up getting hurt again. And now I think that its time he tells you where he stands.
It sounds like you need to have some answers in order to decide how to best proceed in your life. You deserve to make your decisions based on the proper information. You shouldn't have to just guess at whats going on in his head. I think you should just ask him. You can't end up in any worse shape than you already are, right? Even if you may not like some of them, at least you'll have some answers.
Re:Do I Have the Right? atd74: hurting,
I agree with ataloss. You have every right to know what he's thinking and to ask any questions you deem necessary to putting your relationship back together. Afterall, you are separated and not divorced. Separated because you both wanted to work on your issues and see if reconciliation would be possible. You need to know where he stands and have every right to know what actions he is taking (good or bad).
Re:Do I Have the Right? Old_Shoes: I went through a similar thing. Our counselor said the problem was we didn't set up any rules for our separation. No dating, don't introduce someone new to the kids, whatever the two of you decide.
The problems during our separation fueled our divorce. We fought over things that came up during our separation instead of working on real relationship issues.
If you can, sit down with a counselor and figure out what you both want from the separation. At least then you will be clear on what you each expect.
Re:Do I Have the Right? EfemII: I agree with Old Shoes. Try to focus on the relationship issues and make sure there are some rules as far as dating is concerned. Then leave it at that. You'll know in the end if he's as serious as he says.
During my separation, our counselor told us not to have any contact whatsoever with each other for a month. That rule was broken after about a week and a half. I found out from her mom that she was taking a trip w/ her girlfriends and I flipped. She didn't have any girlfriends at the time. I knew something was up, and I tried to call her and even wrote her a letter spilling my guts as far as how I felt towards her.
I didn't even give it the full month of no contact. She had no problem, since she had her cake on the side. So my point is you do need parameters.
I don't think I failed to see if my marraige would work, instead I reaffirmed my instinct of getting the divorce. I knew that there would always be trust issues with her, and she didn't even acknowledge her own actions.
My advice is to make sure that you know where you stand first! It's now all about you! Don't stay just because he wants to change and make it work. That should be secondary to what your needs are now.
take care,
Dave
