Help with Kids & Therapy, PLEASE! ddgissi: I need some advice about how to best proceed with my kids (13, 11, 6) and their therapy. They started seeing a really terrific woman 1 month before STBX left (unrelated reasons). Since then, we've been alternating sessions; every 2 weeks I go, then he goes.
We all see her initially, then the parent leaves, kids talk, parent comes in, therapist talks. So far, okay, but what's been happening is generally, the kids' biggest issue is Dad is lying to them about new GF (who is mommy of 13 year old's best friend). They started dating 2 weeks after he moved out (hmmmm...). Kids know they're dating, but every few months, Dad is tearful and says it's all over, then kids find out (usually through daughter's best friend, or because it's a small town) that they're still dating. During his visitation, he's in his bedroom on the phone with her for most of the visit, or he's "grocery shopping," but actually out seeing her.
What can we do here with the help of therapist?
She has set groundrules that apply until we're actually divorced: neither parent can have new significant other around in front of the kids; while parents don't have to share details about what we do when we're not with the kids, we can't outright lie ("I went to dinner with a nun,"); no lying by omission (during visitation, going out for a walk but not mentioning you're going for a walk with GF), no dates when the kids are with us (we have to make arrangements to date when they're with other parent). Pretty reasonable, and respectful of the kids right now, I think.
But he's not going along with it. He nods to the therapist, says he understands the logic (like a grown man needs someone to tell him: YOU DON'T LIE TO YOUR KIDS) agrees with her, and then doesn't do any of it.
About 2 months ago, she told the kids: yes, he's lying, and yes, it's wrong, but no, other than telling him you don't like it, you can't make him stop.
His therapy sessions with her and the kids are 10 minutes long because they don't even want to bother expressing themselves anymore, since he just agrees then does what he wants anyway. OR, he intimidates them by pretending he doesn't understand why they feel as they do, and so they just drop it. But their sessions with me and tearful and intense ("why is he such a liar?").
So how do I deal with this?
Re:Help with Kids & Therapy, PLEASE! Shanna: I dont' really think there is anything you can do to help. My stbxh is nicknamed LyonRyan. We aLL know he is a liar and we just take everything he says as a lie unless he can back it up with evidence.
