How to get grounded? rollercoaster: My wife and I have been separated for about 9 weeks now. I've made a lot of improvement and am hoping that I've already seen and gotten past the worst.
My question is, "What do you do to remain grounded and focused?"
Prior to splitting up with the wife, I would like to believe that I had the ability to hone in on my work and make things happen around the office. Nowadays, it's hard to motivate, and productive days are less and less of a habit and more of a fluke.
I am not quite sure if the focus on my work was the product of being in an unhappy relationship (Although I do have the perspective to realize that the work blinders definitely contributed and made the relationship worse and worse).
Is this lack of focus these days a healthy sense of perspective?
Do I feel irresponsible these days because, after two years of wearing the "Married" cap, I am still thinking like a married guy while trying to climb back into a more single lifestyle?
I have lost a lot emotionally and financially as a result of the break up and I am getting worried that I could lose it all if I don't snap out of it.
Re:How to get grounded? inebr: Hey Roller,
Welcome to the board. Well, I can relate to your lack of focus during this time, I would say that's very natural. I was just talking to a friend the other day and telling him how this whole thing is taking up a huge amount of my mental energy, sometimes I JUST CAN'T FOCUS!!! And I loose hours, it's like the time passes and nothing happens. Weird.
What you said about pouring yourself into your work because of being in an unhappy marriage is interesting. I think I did some of the same thing, it was an escape for me, something to focus on.
I would try to strike a balance as in everything. Maybe on those days you're feeling *foggy* do the easy no-brainer stuff, on the days you're feeling good tackle the more complex work. And cut yourself a break.
Re:How to get grounded? grober: Man, I can relate to this. I've been having the same lack of focus at work off and on for several months now.
When I was with my X she took care of all the social things about our life together. Going out, with whom, where, etc. It was something she did and I let her (not healthy, I know). Thus, I could focus more of my energy on work. Now that I'm divorced, I must pursue my own social and work life.
While I like being in charge of my whole life again, it is challenging to be totally engaged in my work like I used to be. For years I did things with my X's friends and didn't pursue my own friendships and interests. Reviving old relationships with friends (and making new ones) takes time and energy. Also, work just doesn't seem as important as it used to. I've re-evaluated alot of things in my life and work isn't as high on the list as it used to be.
Just keep striving for a good balance between work and home life. Hopefully some day you'll get the right mix. For me, it has gotten easier as the months have passed.
Re:How to get grounded? Safetykc: Geez, we are in a similar pickle. It has been about 2 months for me too and you wouldn't believe the financial wreck my 2 years with my STBX has left. I can't focus at work either and the challenge is worse because we work in the same building, with the married co-worker she had an affair with. Not to wallow in my own self pity, but it could always be worse. The worst part is I can't afford to lose my job either and she left me in a financial mess too, plus cutting our income in half....So I am stuck here with her going through this. I agree with inebr, take things in small chunks and focus on doing the easy stuff first. Also keeping a todo list of priorities can help. If your workplace has a gym like mine, start working out, it has been a godsend for me and helps re-vitalize me. If they don't try walking through your lunch hour to reenergize. I find it easier to focus when I am feeling physically better. Other than that good luck and I will be rooting for ya! Root for me too. We all need it....Take care
