need advise 2tadpoles: My stbx and I have been separated for a couple of months. The divorce papers have been filed and we're just waiting now. To sum it up, he dumped me for some bimbo he works with. At first I was heartbroken, but I've come to see him for the weak, pathetic jerk he really is and I no longer want him. I've been feeling pretty good lately.
That being said, I've developed a bit of a crush on my son's karate instructor. He has always been intriguing to me. I don't know how to let him know that my stbx and I are no longer a couple without being totally obvious. Stbx takes the boy to karate one day a week and I take him on the other. We were both there for his test the other day, and although we didn't sit together, we sat near each other. I pay for the instruction out of the joint account we still have, so both of our names are on the check. So, except for the lack of rings on our fingers, we probably appear to still be together.
How do I bring this up in casual conversation without saying anything to scare him off? I don't want him to think he'd be getting in the middle of some huge drama if we were to go on a date.
Re:need advise pauly: Hey 2tp,
I think be completely forthright and upfront about the whole thing.He will not be aware of your interest any other way so I would suggest make the first move and explain after.That way at least you have a foot in the door so to speak.
There are no ramifications to this,you are at will to express your feelings.
Re:need advise JimB: You haven't said anything about the vibes you're getting from him, so can we assume you haven't chatted much? My thought is just try to have more casual conversations with the guy. Arrive early and stay late so he'll have some time for you. You'll learn more about him, and you'll almost certainly find opportunities to flirt. Besides, you'll be able to bring up your separation in an appropriate context.
And don't get too hung up on taking the next step. Sometimes crushes are more fun when you just fantasize.... ;)
Re:need advise jillieb44: At this stage of my separation/divorce I think it would be very awkward to get involved with a) someone my ex knows; and b) someone who my kids know in a different context. I see this as fraught with hard feelings, local town gossip, and it will filter down and affect your kids.
I know my kids aren't ready to see me date, so I meet people when they are with the ex, and do things out of town so I don't bump into them. My kids know I'm making new friends and meeting people, but I've kept it low key and emphasized friends, not boyfriends, though they know some are men and I've had a few motorcycle rides with them. So far they're cool with that, but I think they'd flip if I invited a man to dinner...
I'd say have the crush and flirt, but think of the other consequences of choosing someone your ex and kids deal with regularly.
Jillie
Re:need advise Bubba: Well I have no words of wisdom for you on how to start chatting with the fellow, but I do have a word of caution.
The main issue I would be concerned about is if you do start to date this fellow, then it could be an issue with your stbx. Not that you should care what he thinks, but the thing is you said he goes once a week and during test times. It would create tension for him to be there and know you are dating the instructor. Now who cares if it upsets him, but he may not want to go anymore, and that will end up hurting your son. I am sure he will want his dad there during test time, etc.
Secondary issue, if you do start to date and things dont work out, then you will have to see the guy a lot.....again tension.
Cheers,
Bubba
