Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) praxedis: My wife was like Reuters when she found out that I had an affair. She has a wide (and widening) circle of friends that now know what kind of devil I am for doing what I did. They all look at me now like I am the scum of the earth.
My wife has always held the opinions of her friends in pretty high regard and some of them haven't minded giving her their opinion of me. Every time something went wrong in the marriage, my wife was on the phone to her mother (who is a nice lady, btw) and other not-so-nice friends.
It was a pattern that developed throughout our 8-year marriage and soon I began to withdraw because I felt I couldn't compete. I could tell her that the sky was blue and she would call her mother or a friend to confirm. That's how I feel anyway.
Anyway, I moved back home last night after having been separated from her and my two young boys for two months and something just doesn't feel right.
My own mother told me one time: "She's never going to trust you again."
Do I want to be in a marriage with someone who will never trust me again?
"Hell hath no fury" I guess.
Advice, please.
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) justmenow: No you don't - trust and love are key to a marriage. Are you really willing to put up with what it would take to earn back her trust? My guess is no.
My question is - why didn't you leave the marriage when you knew you were unhappy? Why did you have to put her through an affair and then leave? Just curious.
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) JASPER: "Do I want to be in a marriage with someone who will never trust me again?"
I think a better question is do you want to be in the marriage at all.Because your actions say other wise.
My h has cheated on me plenty of times in the past and at first I was able to forgive him until he kept destroying that trust. So it is possiable to beearn forgivness ,but I dont think your ready for that.
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) praxedis: My post shouldn't be mistaken for an explanation for what I've done.
Adulterers have feelings too. Believe me, if I could go back and erase what happened, I would. Anything is better than having to go through what I went through and what I put my wife and family through.
I love her. I do. Your point about earning back her trust is a good one and right now, it seems that she loves me enough to allow me to try if that's what I want.
She's a good woman. That's never been in dispute. And she has her flaws.
And I'm a good man... with my own.
My issues also involve self-worth. I need to believe that I deserve her back and right now I don't and she has a couple of friends who feel that I never deserved her.
I made an analogy to her yesterday at lunch: I told her when everything happened that suddenly we were on opposite sides of the field. On my side it was just me. On her side, it was her and suddenly over the hill her legion of friends showed up.
It's how I feel now and it makes me want to run away again and I'm trying to decide if it's a pill I want to swallow given the fact that there are so many more I have to take. In the end, there's still no assurance that she'll love me and want to be with me. I feel as if I've lost her already and if she could tell me that she has, I would let her go.
What I want that I know I can't have: For our marriage from this point forward to be measured by the benchmark of love, not pain.
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) inebr: Just my 2 cents, ...I think that if you're serious about working this out with her I think you have to get honest with yourself and what buttons of yours were pushed to have the affair. It sounds like you already know that part of it was self worth issues. But then there is the issue of her friends. Have you told her how they make you feel? Does she see validity to your point? I think cheating is a horrible horrible way to deal with unresolved problems, but it happens. And for that, I think it can also be worked out if both parties are really open to dealing with the issues that led up to the affair. My stbx also had an affair at one point in our relationship. I could see that it had to do with his issues of self worth. The problem was, I was forgiving because I could see that that was what it was about but didn't insist on him getting help for his issues. The problem was still there waiting to rear its ugly head again.
well, that was more than 2cents maybe...
