Crashed and Burned
Crashed and Burned hurtingverymuch: Just finished listing our house for sale. S2bx out getting his new apartment.
Man I just crashed and burned! HELP!
Why the he!! does this have to happen so often? Why can't all this just go away? Why does my s2bx have to do this to us? I was a friggin' mess, right in front of my son. He's the one consoling me, "Mom, it'll be okay! Don't think about it!" He's 8 and I'm supposed to be the grown up. I know kids are resiliant but they shouldn't have to see or go through sh*t like this.
Why do I have to be and feel so alone right now? Why can't I be strong (like I thought I was doing' okay)? This sucks so bad.
Does being alone get any easier??
justmenow: I'm so sorry you're such a mess. Think of this as a low point and know that you'll get better from here. Being alone isn't so bad after a while. Think of it - you get your way all the time without anyone around to object. I know it seems hopeless right now, but hang in there. Once all this mess is over, things will start to look up. Change is hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. IM me if you need to, ok?
hurtingverymuch: Thanks so much for the support, JMN. Can't believe I actually lost it like that. I don't think I've seen my kid cry that hard. I have tried to stay strong (especially for my son's sake) in front of everyone, my family, my s2bx. The house thing really hit me hard and I just couldn't hold on any more. And all the while he just sat there emotionless, like he knew it all, yada yada yada, "oh, we've been through house sales before - we know the game". He was such an @ss. Ooh, here comes the "anger" part of the roller coaster now. I just don't get how he can just sit there after we've spent so long together and this doesn't bother him a bit. B@stard. I'm such a dork, here I sit trying to help other people here when I can't even help and control myself. I thought I had braced myself fairly well, but apparently NOT!
I must say thanks again for responding so quickly and letting me vent. I feel a little better now.
down2basics: You are just way way too hard on yourself. We are all here to help each other. That doesn't mean WE don't have issues. C'mon! We are all human - we all feel, hurt, long for our x's, become extremely angry...etc....We all ride the roller coaster...that's why we are all here - to help us endure it. Not everyone likes roller coasters! *lol* ;)
What you are going through is probably one of the most painful moments of this whole ordeal...but I promise - it will get better - you will get through this. Your 8 yr old is the rock you cling to right now. I'm glad to hear he was strong and there for you - that's a wonderful thing. My children picked me up and dusted me off numerous times. I felt guilty, just like you - kids shouldn't have to endure this. But, it simply makes you human in their eyes. It shows them that yes, mommy can hurt, mommy can cry and mommy does have feelings. He'll be much more sensitive to you because he has seen you come apart at the seams.
I agree it's not something you want to do everyday, (falling apart that is...) but believe me, it was an educational experience for your son and I feel pretty sure from what you've written that he understands the situation and supports you 100%. Don't you think?
I don't know if this rambling helps you at all - I do try - but like someone told me (was it you?) that we are the blind leading the blind here! -*lol*- so...please, just know that you will get through this. You will be a stronger, more self assured person once you've proven to yourself that you can handle this. As Galil once said, if you can handle this - YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING! 8)
You are so strong - stronger than you know...hang in there...I'm with you all the way!
God Bless you!!!
Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have vulnerable moments. No one can "be strong" 24/7. Putting your house up for sale is a big deal. It is totally normal to have such an emotional reaction to that situation. We all have our ups and downs as we move through what is easily the most difficult time of our lives.
A while back I was having a good week. I watched a movie, one I've seen a couple of times by the way. One character dies and I totally lose it. Now this wasn't a "Saving Private Ryan" or any academy award winning performance, it was a Sci-Fi B movie. For some reason that scene made me realize what I'd lost with my X.
That was just a stupid movie on a Saturday afternoon, not putting my house up for sale with my X being a jerk, and it had me in tears. Give yourself a break, you deserve it.
Being alone gets easier. It is still lonely at times, but as you get some distance, the rollercoaster evens out.