saturday night... meh. jimloveless: this town really sucks. saturday night and the only thing you can do is go to a bar. Not exactly the best place to meet people, though i suppose there are worse places. like asylums, prisons, and rehab clinics.
all the bars here are really scummy ones, too. there are no 'kocktail lounges'... they're all smokey, dark dives full of gray-skinned, beat-down regulars.
I'm not sure how I'm ever going to connect with someone while i'm in this place. most women here, if they are single, either have several children or are jail bait. i love kids, but i would rather not mix a family if i can avoid it.
I went out to the carnival that's in town right now. it was me and the W's first date 9 years ago. Just wanted to see if i could handle it, and I did. Made it through but couldn't smile for the life of me. couldn't enjoy it. I stuck around for about 20 minutes and had to jet.
So many people there, though... and everyone i looked in the eye had something they were hiding. That's how it felt. Jeez i really don't want my wife to leave me with a bucketload of trust issues, but I'd swear that behind everyone's glance was something they were scared of. maybe i just have this gift to read peoples' eyes now.
The list of my W's hang-out buddies willing to sell her out just keeps growing. one kid told me today 'she just didn't act like she was married. she even flirted with me a few times but i swear it didn't go anywhere'. And another friend told me she smoked Pot all the time. and never bought (i think they were more pissed about the stinginess). Just things that she always stood against in my presence.
why would she lie to me SO much? why would she live out such an enormous deception? I guess i'll never know and I'm doing my best, struggling to just drop it all. as reck would tell me, she still "has me" so long as all this stuff eats at me. It's just difficult to get past how wronged I feel, I guess. It just all boggles my mind, that she could be one person in front of me and her family, and then another person alltogether around her friends. Just... awful.
i need this loneliness to go away.
Re:saturday night... meh. ChiefWiggum: [quote author=jimloveless link=board=1;threadid=11537;start=0#msg93676 date=1116126828"> why would she lie to me SO much? why would she live out such an enormous deception?
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How old is she? She might be seriously immature. It's tough. My stbx lied to me a lot too and led a double-life. It sucks. She was so big on kids -- and I knew she would make a wonderful mother -- but she has this gigantic immature side to her. I've often wondered if having kids would have made her grow up and stay out of trouble. She would never have done anything to hurt her kids.
The part where I have a lot of learning to do is recognizing this immaturity. I'm a smart guy. I can't believe I fell for someone like this. :(
CW
Santa Barbara, CA
PS: Yeah, bars suck. I'm going to the gym then doing laundry then going to bed... as soon as possible.
Re:saturday night... meh. 2brix: Hey Jim:
Can't really respond to the going out thing as hey I like scungy bars sometimes, gives me some perspective on how far I could fall if I let myself. As to why could she lie for so long. Riversandlakes said something a bit back that makes a whole lot of sense. Real gold fears no flame. I am not going to say she wasn't real gold that is for you to say but when she would sooner lie than face the flame well? Stay on line if your feeling real lonely as thats what I'm doing. Even thought of setting up a thread for flirting and friendship sad as that sounds. Hang in and keep strong
Re:saturday night... meh. jimloveless: thanks guys.
i don't mind going into a bar every once in a while for a game of pool and a beer or two, but right now... 3 days out from quitting smoking, I definately wouldn't want to be in that environment. and, also, i just seem to see the world in shades of gray. i could look at a flower right now and it would depress me; definately don't want to go somewhere where everyone is talking all slushy and teetering on their feet.
my stbx is going to be 26 in august. she's about 2.5 years younger than me. i had maturity issues, too... 8 years ago.
...i think i'm going to make some mac and cheese. i make a mean mac and cheese.
Re:saturday night... meh. ChiefWiggum: mac and cheese sounds good right now!
I don't even have that in the house. I'm deciding between hard boiled eggs, a power bar, or nothing :P
CW
