I think my wife may be cheating on me with another woman
I think my wife may be cheating on me with another woman Phoenixmjb: My wife and I married just over a year ago, been together for four years. She's never been with another woman and we both share a value system that wouldn't allow us to engage in homosexuality and definitely not an "open marraige". We're active Christians and for the most part our relationship is great. Sex is often and good. We are best friends and love hanging out together. But a few months ago she made a friend in the neighborhood with a woman her age (30) who is bisexual. In the beginning they hung out all the time and it freaked me out a bit but I just tried to ignore it. I'd bring it up occassionally and she'd say nothing was going on. Then I caught her at the OW's house and my wife lied to me about being there. I confronted her and she said she lied because she knew I'd freak out if I knew she was there. Incidently, although I briefly met the OW once, she's never come over to our house (like other friends) and I'm never invited along. We've since moved across town (thank God) and now she only talks to this OW maybe once a week on the phone and they have lunch together a couple times per month. Not exactly suspicious behavior, I know. However I've tapped my home phone lines (I'm a criminal investigator) and I can tell that this OW is subtly trying to seduce my wife. So far, my wife doesn't seem to be giving in too much but I can tell she likes the attention. Here's a snapshot of a recent conversation:
wife: I'm a fire sign (talking about astro. signs)
OW: You need an air sign.
wife: yeah, exactly, I know! Water...is a little dampening. A little hindering.
OW: Why, who's a water sign?
wife: coughs twice (she coughs as a signal because I was in the house. And, I'm a water sign)
OW: Are you talking to me?
OW: Let me guess (sarcastically). You know who is an air sign?
wife: yes I do.
OW: (laughs) Well I happen to be an air sign.
wife: yes I know.
OW: I want you to live in my house.
wife: I know!
OW: I miss you.
wife: (whispers something unintelligible) do you hear me?
Look, I know it's horrible that I taped the calls but it's been killing me. On the outside, there are no obvious "tell tale" signs that she's cheating. But when I hear these calls it really freaks me out. My friends say I'm being stupid and this is just normal chic talk and that if our wives heard our phone conversations we'd be in trouble. I obviously can't confront her at this point since I don't know for sure and I honestly don't think anything physical has happened yet. However I KNOW this OW has an agenda. What do I do? Do I confront the OW? Do I just wait to see if it gets worse? In the meantime I'm doing everything I can to try and meet my wife's needs and tend to our relationship but I'm at a total loss at how to deal with this. Please help!
Samarra: Hi Pheonix,
I agree. The conversation does sound a little suspicious,but,really doesn't prove anything. Everything else between you and your wife seems to be good...nothing amiss. I think instead of jumping to conclusions right away..you need to simply talk to her. Hope everything works out.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It must be really frightening to sit back and watch, and wait. i agree that you need to sit down and talk to your wife openly- but if you mention the phone tap, she will immediately immediately lose all trust in you, so don't. You will run the risk of pushing her towards the OW, which you definitely don't want to do.
The whole homosexuality thing...um, I don't know what to say without being really blunt here- it happens. Straight women fall into things with other women sometimes. I'm straight, but I know a lot of gay women having lived in Provincetown, Brooklyn, and from what I've seen firsthand, it happens here and there, no matter how "straight" a woman tends to consider herself. That conversation sounded very veiled and insinuating to me- having had bi-sexual friends and gay friends who've made the move on me, I saw it as very openly seductive. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the air sign talk, the coded coughing... never mind the "I want you to live in my house" bit. That pretty much cemented it for me- something slightly odd could in fact be up. I'm no expert at jack crap, but it sturck me, as I was reading your post, that women who are "just friends" rarely, if ever, speak like that. You really need to just sit down and talk with her. "Straight" women, christian women...it doesn't matter- things we never expect to happen in our lives often do, and sometimes, parts of ourselves that lay dormant spring to life. At any rate, you truly deserve closure on this, so you can move on from the fear and wondering, whether it's real or not. I wish you the best, and hope that it's absolutely just a friendship.
Chey: Phoenix, honestly a LOT of the guys on here will tell you to follow your gut instinct. If there's smoke there's fire. In your case i think you're catching it before the fire starts.
If you're having doubts then express them. Don't wait until there is actually something to find out. I think within a married couple the most important person in your life to keep happy is your spouse. If my husband ever expressed a concern about a male friend of mine I would cut off communications. It only happened once, and my husband was right to be concerned, since I found out later this friend was interested. My main priority was making sure I gave my husband no reason to feel insecure or unloved, and since he wasn't (in the beginning) an unreasonable or jealous husband, I gave it some thought, and felt it best for US to end my friendship. I never regretted it.
Talk to her reasonably, and explain your feelings.
Best of luck,
sadinct: I am perhaps a bit more cautious than the others. I would (and did) need to be certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that the issue I confronted my wife with was absolutely true with no posibility of error. Yes, I recorded, tracked, hacked e-mail and phone logs... I am ashamed as they are all disgusting violations of trust and privacy, but I was hoping to prove my suspisions were wrong. I don't normally go for gut instinct, sorry.
I wish you the very best, and the happily ever after we all once thought we would have.