New here. mydarkdreams: Please forgive the length of my post, I will *try* to make it brief.
Hi, I am new to this forum. My boyfriend of the last 5 years and I broke up about a month ago, although he still lives in my house (he is not on the lease). He states he wants to remain here because of our 4 year old son, and because I am his best friend. Now, I suppose I should note that I have been supporting him for the last couple of years also, while he has done nothing. He has finally gone back to school and got a job recently.
Our relationship has always been one of turmoil, he has told me he was leaving very shortly after he moved in with me (Not very long into our relationship). I finally left and moved two states away. I was pregnant with our son, he did know this.. I didn't give him my number on purpose, because I needed to sort things out and move beyond him - I knew contact would make it harder. He got the number from the storage unit he had rented and needed an added number for.. he called. Long story short, I ended up coming back to my hometown to a lot of promises - which of course were broken. I knew it wasn't wise to come back, and I knew things wouldn't change - but at the time I wasn't sure what to do and I was scared and unsure of most everything. I do have two older children too, now ages 13 and 11. My 11 year old has a disorder on the autistic spectrum - he has had issues, but is doing much better now. Mostly, I've always heard that it's because of my kids... or I don't keep the house tidy enough (funny, since he didn't work or do much of anything for the last 4 years.. but it was MY responsibility to do everything).
I recently had surgery that was elective, about a month later he tells me it is finally over - and he's been telling me for the last year that it would eventually end. He actually has told me many times over the last 5 years. For whatever reason (my codependency, fear of him, intimidated by him) I deal with it and move on with whatever else needs to be done, through my tears of course (I am such a big baby sometimes). I honestly don't know why I have managed to hold onto this doomed relationship in the first place. He is not good for me, nor for my kids.
He tells me nothing will change, that I am still his best friend. The only difference will be that we will no longer be intimate, though he still sleeps in my bed, and frequently "Cuddles" with me. Though he has a hard time since "it's so easy to be intimate with me". THat is the one part of our relationship that never had a problem. Though I have gone through some depressions and such that made it less frequent than it once had been. This apparently was one of the deciding factors in the final breakup - my lack of as much interest in the last year.
He is now seeing someone else, he states that they have only hugged and kissed - and that he doens't know what he is doing - but he does know that he is not looking for anything long term, and "that's what he has me for". Er, did he miss the part where he "left"? Yet, he continues to sleep in my bed etc. Though that's my bad because I can't stand up to him.. I don't know why. I hate his disapproval and condecending comments etc if he doesn't like what I have to say.
I have tried to be a good girlfriend, of course I have my faults - but all in all I think I have been OK. He also goes out every friday and hangs out at the coffee shop with his friends. I went out for the first time about 2 weeks ago for 3 hours.. first time in the 5 years we have been together.
Now, don't get me wrong - I know it is better (for me and the kids) that we're split up - I hate that it is hard for me, and I hate that I feel ANYTHING about it. I wish I could just turn it OFF.
Thanks for listening.. I am sorry if this rambled a lot, trying to put a lot of information in a little space.
Re:New here. ti-poux: Dear good friend...
I am sure you must be going through alot of pain and suffering right now. I am so sorry for that.
This man wants his cake and eat it too...It's just my oppinion but you my dear are worth alot more than that.
Weither you see it or don't see it...this guy does not seem like he's into you at all.
Take what self-esteem you have left and kick him out...it is better to be healthy and alone than sick with somebody else.
He is manipulating you and that is not good, not nice not something a real man would do.
I know its probably not what you wanted to hear but reading your less than perfect history together is the only conclusion I can come up with.
While you are waisting your precious time with him, you might be losing on the best thing that could happen to you.
Please sweety, get yourself back to the wonderful person he so blantantly destroyed and in months, or it couldbe a year or so...life will smile back at you...promisse.
hope this helps you
Chantal
Re:New here. mydarkdreams: Thank you Chantal, I really appreciate it. I so much know it's so true.. I just don't know why I can't get up the nerve to just DO it. Other than my huge guilt complex in which he knows how to push ALL The buttons for.
Re:New here. ti-poux: This will be very hard for you to do but it is vital that you remove all the power he has on you. This is your life, you are not just watching it go by you, you should be an active participant. You can only control you and not him.
I do hope you get better, for your sake and you 3 little angels. Its hard I am still struggling with it, even after six months...harsh reality I know but I have to hope and believe that in the long run, I will meet a person who is absolutly crazy in love with me...so that is the hope I hang on to...we have to believe and hope or else we will stay stuck in the moment forever and grow old and bitter.
make plans, find something you love to do, for yourself, try new food, new decorations, new tv shows...just explore with things to see what you like and don't like because when you have been manipulated and treated badly, you lose or forget who you really are at the core...you need to find that again.
tons of luck and HUGS for you
Chantal
