Why does it hurt so bad? myowncanoe: M,
I miss you dreadfully.
I miss your arms around me and your eyes lovingly staring at me and your soft kisses on the back of my neck when we fall asleep at night spooning.
I miss that look we give each other when our son has been too cute.
I miss talking with you and hugging you.
And, oh, I miss making love with you.
But I wanted to leave you, I was so unhappy. And yet, without you it seems I am miserable. Can't live with or without you...
I am maintaining NC now, and it is so hard. I want you to know that I am hurting and crying and that right now I just can't be happy knowing that my happy comes at the expense of yours. I want you to know I would prefer you to anyone else. I want you to understand how much this decision hurts me and how much I love you.
Can't you just be a decent regular guy for us? That's why I left after all, you're a great guy but you have your head so far in the clouds it's hard to see you sometimes. Why did you have to be so clinging and possessive and paranoid and depressed and sick. Why couldn't we just have had a normal relationship with normal trials and tribulations instead of the funfair of disaster that we had.
Why did I marry you? I had so many doubts and I really only wanted to do it for a few weeks while I was post-partum. That was so wrong of me, and I am so sorry for promising you that I would stick beside you no matter what and then not following through.
Now that I am gone and we have no organised contact cause you don't know if you can even see DS, I really miss you. I have never in all the time I have been with you, not known when/if I would see you again ... and it's scary and I don't like it. And yet, all I wanted was for you to leave me to think for a while. I told you very clearly that I was not coping and I needed help but you were adamant we could do it alone. And you wouldn't even give me some space to let me see me clearly. You just couldn't do it...so afraid of losing me you pushed me further and further away.
And now here I am. Well away from you; and though I know my future and DS's future will be healthier if we are not with you the way you are, I still want you in my life and I still want you to be the husband and father and lover you always promised me you would become. I hope that we become whole and then reconcile and live happily ever after ...
I am, and always will be,
your Flossie :'(
Re:Why does it hurt so bad? MidwestHopeful: Heart-wrenching, Myown. I think I understand your pain and I wish you the very best. It aches to be without the one you love even when the one you love isn't good enough. (Apologies if I misread or misunderstood) I hope you find what you're looking for.
