Re:No title myowncanoe: Hear hear Was!
My stbxh did a similar thing on another board I used to go to. It is a VERY invasive and opportunistic thing to do to someone you are professing to 'love'.
A's original letter and my stbxh's expressed similar desperate sentiments and if it is of any use to you, we talked about why he had done that. He felt that if he could get into enough areas of my life and proclaim his undying love that I would surely see how deep that love was and how sorry he was for his behaviour. We too were already separated by that time, and he had tried many other tactics to induce me to return to him. Instead what I mostly saw was that he was indeed desperate to be both cruel and stupid with his love.
It is an emotionally abusive thing to do - on one hand he is offering undying love but to do so he has invaded a private space of yours and offered his side for perusal, garnering sympathy. Much of my time with stbxh was emotionally abusive and from what K wrote originally it sounds as if he was much the same with you.
You go girl! You sound like you are choosing your path and that it is a good one to be on.
:D
No title Redhead33: A,
It’s been months since my illusions about you, our marriage, and myself began to crumble. It’s been months since I found out about her. The road to recovery has been so very hard, but I’ve learned, and grown so much. I could never go back to, or be happy being the person I used to be.
I see so clearly now that something had been missing. I realize that the reason I felt that way is that I believed you ‘completed’ me. I depended on all those qualities that you had, which I believed I didn’t have in myself. Because of my dependence on you, I stopped growing. A partner is meant to ‘compliment’, not to complete a person. It takes two individual, whole persons to come together to become one. I clung to you so hard because I was afraid of losing those things I thought I’d never have. I stagnated, and it took the pain of you leaving me to force me to change and grow as a person. You were the security that I had longed for growing up. You provided the stability that I thought I had to get from someone else. I was so wrong. It’s within me. It’s my strength of character that gets me up everyday, a smile on my face and out the door to face the world head on! You can’t hurt me anymore. I gave you that power once before (and lived through all of the hell) but I took it back months ago!
Pain isn’t always a bad thing. Feeling pain lets you know that you’re alive! Sometimes pain can be the beginning of turning your whole life around. I have taken responsibility for my shortcomings. I take responsibility for my life. I take responsibility for my own reactions to those around me. I take responsibility for establishing and enforcing my boundaries. I take responsibility for the parts of me that need work. I am not a victim. I will be treated as an important and loved part of my partner’s life, just as I will treat him. What a feeling of empowerment!
Your reasons for having done what you did are for the first time, irrelevant. I don’t need or want answers because I’m ok. I’m ok with who I am and where my life is going. The past is useful only to see where I’ve been, and who I was. I was so wrong to think that I couldn’t live without you – the real truth is I couldn’t truly live with you.
Now as for you posting on this site. I never knew how cruel you could be. I didn’t believe that you had it in you to be so viscous and heartless. How can you post what you did (see post from SheLeftWithoutEeyore: Biggest Mistake of My Life) and still be living with her? I don’t understand the logic behind that. Is it because I am having your wages garnished? Is it because you think that that’s the way for me to give you my contact information? Was it your way of trying to relinquish some of your guilt? Was it your feeble attempt at trying to break my heart? Those are the reason I surmise behind your actions in this case. I’m ok though! I believe in myself. I know that I control my own destiny. As I said before any power that you may have once had over me is gone! I own it! For no one’s sake but your own and I really mean this…work on you. Work on begin secure with who you are. The only person that you have been cheating is yourself. You owe it to yourself.
K
What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say!
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.
-George Bernard Shaw
Re:No title Wasjustthe2ofus: Redhead,
Sounds to me like you deserve all of the happiness that life has to offer. Congratulations on moving forward in life.
Good Luck,
Was
Re:No title ti-poux: [code"> I depended on all those qualities that you had, which I believed I didn’t have in myself. Because of my dependence on you, I stopped growing. A partner is meant to ‘compliment’, not to complete a person. It takes two individual, whole persons to come together to become one. I clung to you so hard because I was afraid of losing those things I thought I’d never have[/code">
WOW!!!! you took the words out of my mouth...
The good thing is, you will find yourself again and be strong again...
thanks for posting
Chantal
Re:No title Redhead33: My,
I actually spoke with him on the phone just after posting this letter. He is living with her still. It's sad and unfortunate for the both of them that he is in this state and obviously not being completely honest with her or himself for that matter. On the phone he said that he doesn't want me back and that she makes him happy. I hope she does. I hope that he has a lifetime full of happiness. My hope for him is that someday he takes the time for himself to figure out who he is. I really don't think he has a clue. As I told him...he has some amazing qualities. He really does.
I told him before I did this...I forwarded her a copy of his posts. In all honesty it isn't to cause problems. It was more out of the fact that if I were in that situation I would hope that someone would do the same. I left her a voicemail and told her what I did and that if she reads them ok if not that's her choice. My hope for him is that it creates a dialogue where he is able to be honest.
And now I have completely closed this chapter in the book and it feels wonderful.
All my best,
Katie
