Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia exhaulted: HI guys,
Well, i am going to reply to this email tomorrow. And its going to be purely reflective. I initiated the dialogue for us and was very matter of fact. No i miss yous or love yous.
Now, with what i have posted, you can see that she is opening up. Its a step in the right direction and she does mention that she misses talking to me. A positive sign obviously.
And you are correct Crush, the outside validation is purely for her ego. I understand that need because i have lived with her so long. Mind you guys, we have always had a strong commitment. No instances of infidelity or anything bad like that. I think this is more of a " i have felt igonred by u for sol ong becuase you worked so hard and left me out of it, and now i need to feel needed again or validated." Truth is, she and i never worked out our roles in the marriage.
Now my head does spin a little, i am not keen on her not wearing her ring but my therapist said who knows what she is thinking. Stop speculating. Still, it does not feel good. Its a green light to any man and she is very attractive. It hurts.
She right now feels that i am the bad guy and feels that i have reduced her to a dimished role in our household. She was the one who wanted kids and i said ok lets wait a year and raise some money. Time comes for a child and all these issues rear their head. Her fears and wants for everything to be perfect brouight these to a head.
I'm in alot of pain and trying to cope with all this. I have so much resentment now that i dont know how we will ever get to marriage counseling.
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia sourpuss: anytime. i can't speak for everyone here, but i know i'd like to see a happy ending somewhere.
hang in there, i'm pulling for ya.
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia exhaulted: You guys are awesome. Best advice i have heard all these 5 weeks.
I am off to therapy in a short while for myself.
We started communicating last week. Also, I have opted to not check her VM, Email or mail because it does more harm than good.
I think that the marital problems are seperate from her eating disorder but they do play with one another.
Thanks so much for your help. It is so nice to hear some one say something other than DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE!
So far she has said this: Her last email from yesterday:
"I do miss talking to you and don't want our future joint therapy to be awkward at all. I have to take care of my personal therapy for a little bit then I can give you a more definite time frame for our joint therapy. My intention is not to drag this process on and have us both move on with our lives as soon as possible without rushing or making any haste decisons.
It was the hardest decision of my life to move out and be away from you. I wanted to be able to think clearly away from being a wife in our home. I know this process has hurt and confused many, and trust me, I do get s***t from family members. I have to remember though that I have to live my life for myself and not to please others.
I am so used to cooking, cleaning, eating and sleeping by myself that I feel that none of my lifestyle has really changed. most nights I just go to my room, listen to music and go to sleep. I have more time now to concentrate on myself. I do not miss the negative comments about what I cook, when I cook, what I eat. when I eat, How I look, how I dress, how much I spend, how much I save or how much I weigh"
I feel there is hope. We are communicating and she is telling me whats up. Perhaps we can work this out.
I don't want to start calling or anything yet. I plan on responding to this later via email. I do miss her and love her dearly though
The ring not being on does strike me as odd. My guess is she is giving the greenlight to men to validate her. But again, i am speculating. And as a male from a broken home who has abandonment issues its hard not to think that.
ill check back later today. Thanks for being so kind.
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia JimB: Two thoughts:
One, it's excellent that she seems to recognize her own issues and is willing to work on them. She seems to genuinely desire improvement.
But it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It sounds like you would be a willing participant in her efforts to deal with her issues. And quite frankly, as her life partner, it's unfortunate that she would try to deny you the opportunity to help. The struggle to overcome difficulties such as hers can be a tremendous uniting force in a relationship, and it's too bad she doesn't recognize it. However, issues such as these tend to isolate oneself inside one's own head - she probably feels she's doing the noble thing, "sparing" you from her pain.
You have to let her work through things in her own way, but make sure you communicate your support for her at every opportunity. Tell her how glad you are she is working so hard on her issues, and how much you appreciate her attitude. And let her know you're there for her if she should ever need anything. That's all you can really do.
(I see Lo has posted the same thing in much fewer words. So listen to her advice....)
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia sourpuss: yes - don't give up just yet.
she does sound like she's working on issues and not just pretending not to be married (do ask about the ring, though, i find that a bit odd).
one spouse's mental/emotional issues can't help but affect the marriage. give her a little time. you can always leave, but you can't always come back once you do.
as long as there's communication, and you believe she's honestly working on herself so that she can work on the marriage, then maybe take this opportunity to work on yourself. perhaps a trip to a counsellor on your own to sort through the emotions you're having over this would help you to understand what going on within yourself and better prepare you for the couple therapy. and help you understand what goes on the complicated minds of those with ocd/bulimia.
you don't want to accidentally sabotage your marriage.
and crush is right, there are no guarantees. of anything, ever.
