Broken and Fixed at the same time justmenow: Anybody finding that there are aspects about their personality that have gotten better and yet worse at the same time? For example:
Better:
1. I don't let people walk on me anymore. I had a real jerkball chew me out today at work and I held my ground and chewed back. Not only did I tell him he was disrespectful and unprofessional, but also that I would have nothing further to do with him until he changed his attitude. Then later this afternoon I had a nice little chat with his boss on the subject. ;D We'll see how that turns out.
2. I am confident of my capabilities. Now if something breaks I know that I can probably fix it or at least find someone who can.
3. I know I have the power to change things and help people who can't help themselves right now with the things I have learned from my own hardship.
4. I am generally happier and more patient. I try to see the good things in life now instead of always dwelling on what has gone wrong. It's hard, but becoming easier with time. I'm not always sitting around scowling and even my friends (who stuck around) have commented on how much more pleasant it is to be around me.
Worse:
1. Hard to admit, but I am constantly questioning my judgement. Is the situation that I am in really as it seems to be? Is my interpretation of events correct? I'm so afraid that I'm going to have the rug pulled out from under me again "I just don't love you anymore" poof! out of nowhere... One day everything is fine and the next my life and my future are in question.
2. Trust (or lack thereof)...kind of related to the first point. I don't have that 100%, naive trust in things anymore and I question absolutely everything. There's always that small flicker of doubt present in every person, every word, every intention, every situation. I don't want to live like that, but how can I ever make myself that vulnerable to someone ever again? It's not fair to that other person because it's not their fault that my marriage was a sham and that my entire reality was just a huge lie.
3. Fear. It's everywhere. Nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same. Fear of an unplanned future, fear of being alone forever and ever, fear of never being truly loved, fear of not recognizing true love, fear of scaring true love away because I don't trust in it, fear of other people and their intentions (see #1 and #2 above)
Well, that pretty much covers it. Please tell me I'm not alone in this, that I'm not psycho, and that I haven't lost my ability to have faith in people. This is not an all-inclusive list, but I think much of the residual junk is related to those topics. ???
I am fixed, but I am broken. Damaged goods with a bit of superglue.
Re: Broken and Fixed at the same time timetobefree: I hear ya. I think it is perfectly normal to come out of something like divorce and feel the way you do. It is not psycho nor are you alone in this. Really, I think the things that you describe as worse are not really worse. They are things that I think will subside with time. And truly, you could put a positive spin on them. For example, rather than saying you have lost your sense of trust, you could say that you have learned that not everything that glitters is gold. In other words, rather than blindly trusting, you are learning to hold a little back until the trust is earned. I really don't think that is a bad thing. I think it can be a good thing. Just don't let it keep you from moving forward in your life.
Take care,
Amy ;D
Re: Broken and Fixed at the same time Lome: How is it that you took a page out of my journal?
yes, this is life now....
but....you have a life! make it a good one and move on.
Re: Broken and Fixed at the same time Kermie: I have to agree with Lome, took a page right from my book too. I have been questioning all of that lately it is just so good to know that I am not alone. I do like the new me and I am scared of what the future holds but I know that I control it now and not anyone else. I have to make the best of it because its all that I have. Alot of us from what I have read have been with our ex's for a long time and the fear of being alone can be crippling at times, but i have also read alot of other posts where people have made it out and are much happier with their lives. That gives me the hope to carry on everyday.
Re: Broken and Fixed at the same time wowee: For me the worse is the same - the trust issues, the fear - I am actually quite a nervous wreck some of the time. I could just copy your post & put it all in my own. The better - I am a better Mother. For so long I wanted my son & his father to bond that I would push them to do things together all the time, I constantly thought of things they could do, because I just wanted to make sure my son felt loved by his father. It is only now that I realize I was so busy trying to make them bond, that I missed out on so much fun that I could have been having with my son. I stayed home with him & took care of him all the time, but let his father take him fishing, or hiking, or to the park while I happily sat on the side. Now I take him to the park & run around the slides & tunnels with him. My daughter didn't get enough time with him & she is probably better off seeing how almost didn't even acknowledge her first birthday this weekend. But I know I will be more involved in the fun things with her too. It will be me who gets to take care of their every need, and I will get to have fun & play too.
