New to this....am I doing it the right way? dbcincy: Hey guys and gals! Been reading these boards for about a month now, decided maybe it was time to get an outside opinion. The situation is a little odd.
About 4 weeks ago, the wife said that she wasn't sure what she wanted. Talk about confusing the heck out of me!!!! To have this bomb dropped on me was like I just got shot! After talking and argueing, I thought we finally worked it out a little and we were on the right track again.
Then just this Tuesday, she told that she was still having these feelings. She isn't sure what she wants. Part of the problem is me and how I ahve been in the 3 years of our marriage. I haven't always been there 110% of the time showing her the love, not just saying it. I have put more emphasis on the house and the outside work, which she wanted done. That part of a marriage in my eyes we can fix, I can fix I guess is the right thing to say.
The other part of her thinking of being single, etc, I think last night I found the problem there. When she goes out with people from her work, there is usually about 6 others that go. In that group, 5 of the 6 are single/divorced. The other guy is VERY recently married. In my eyes I feel that these people are influencing her on why she might want to be single again. While it looks great now, I know she hasn't thought about everything else that comes with ending a relationship like this.
When we were talking on Tuesday night, I have her a choice. She could go to counseling with me or I will start the process of filing for a divorce Wed. She went and phoned her mother and came back in the room. She said yes, she wants to go to a counselor. She took the step on Wed. to call and make us an appt. for July 25th with a marriage counselor.
Last night when talking for a good hour is when I figured out the whole friend thing at work and who was single, etc. I told her that I felt it would be better if she left those people to themselves right now and all the focus was on fixing our problems and making this marriage work. Deep down, I think she see's what she will loose and what she won't gain. I trully think she is seeing that. She agreed that she would not go out with them anymore. I emphasized, it's not that you can NEVER go out again, but that we need to fix this first and make sure WE are ok.
Am I going about this the right way? Is there any advice on anything????
Thanks a ton!!!!
Re: New to this....am I doing it the right way? Blueyes424: dbcincy~
I do think that you are going about this in a constructive way. Giving her the ultimatium may be what she needed to prove to herself that you do infact love her and want to make your marriage work.
My ex never did show me the affection and love that I needed. Hence part of the reason that we aren't together. He was too involved in what he wanted and needed to give boo about me. You stating that you are willing to work on that aspect of things says a lot.
I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted, and welcome to OJar!!!
~Blue
Re: New to this....am I doing it the right way? teacherwriterguy: Hey db -
Welcome to the board and glad you are posting. I hope you get lots of great advice here.
Hearing your story - though the details were different - reminded me a lot of my position several months before my separation. Specifically, I remember being in your spot of trying to think through and manage everything, trying to make it all work out okay.
I am so glad that you two have agreed to go to counseling and that you made that decision early. I think it's an incredibly healthy and productive step.
If you are nervous about her outings with friends, maybe you can make a point to make that one of your first topics to talk about at counseling. And you might include your wife in that process - see if she thinks that's a good idea too. If it's important to her to be out, then you might not want to just shut that off for her. Even if it's for 'fixing the marriage' it might build resentment on her end unless she feels like it's a decision that she was truly on board with.
The other part I was noticing was where you wrote that you hadn't been there 110% of the time showing her the love she needed, emphasizing on the house and outside work.
Do remember that you are who you are. Changes in behavior to please someone else tend to be temporary. I hope counseling can lead the both of you less towards changing your behaviors so that the other person can be happy, and more towards recognizing the love that's already present in your partner.
In any case - yes, I think you are doing this the 'right' way. Use counseling as a guide and keep posting!!
twg
Re: New to this....am I doing it the right way? dbcincy: Blue-
I really do feel that I am going about this the right way. While we all want to have fun and we love to hang out with other people. There is a REASON why everyone in this other group is single. I admit my mistakes and I admit that I didn't give 110% for a while there. But things like that can change, you can fix that with time and counseling.
Sure, get a divorce and go hang out with the work people. What happens when they all get married or move or quit that job? She will be stuck there wondering what happened......
What probably hit her really hard was when I told her if she really wants to be single to try it again, don't come back for round 2. As much as I love her and will always care for her as a friend, I will never open my heart back to her if she does this. She told me after I said that, that she thought I would welcome her back......I told her no, I have put too much into this marriage, this life with you to get pushed to the street so you can try something. That really hit her hard and she didn't expect that.
Re: New to this....am I doing it the right way? Slash: I too am going through a very similar situation only my wife says she still loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else she is definitely going out more that I understand sometimes. We have some mutual friends of which 1 is single, 1 couple don't have any kids and another is starting a divorce. We have 2 young kids and in my mind our priorities are different than them. Our friends are constantly asking us out but I usually take the high road and stay with the kids. I'm glad that my wife hasn't gotten to the place your wife is but I do fear that it may not be far away. As for counseling, I'm a believer. A couple of years ago I was convinced that I wanted out of my marriage. At the time my wife convinced me to go to counseling with her as well as individual counseling. I didn't have much hope but I knew I owed it to our 2 children to try. I was amazed when we were able to work through the problems I was having with the relationship and I couldn't be happier. Ofcourse, you'll see my post out here and you'll see that I'm having other problems with her going out but I'm hopeful it will work out.
Good Luck!
