Answer me this one.... SunnyFlower: I am sure i am not the only one feeling this way, so i am going to put it out there and see what everyone else has to say.
I have been seperated for a year...the divorce is taking FOREVER but should be final in a few months or so. i have started dating again a month or two back...nothing serious...just going out and having dinner, seeing a movie, etc....I really feel that i am ready for this and feel good about it.
Here's the problem....I met a guy that I really like and can see myself entering a relationship with this person. It will be my first since the seperation. However, that's not the issue that's bothering me so much...it's the fact that my divorce isn't final, and the even BIGGER fact that although I don't want to be with my stbx in a relationship, i still have to see him 3-4 times a week when he takes my son for the night when i have to go to work....there are still alot of emotional "strings" that aren't tied up and won't be for a LONG time, if ever. It's almost like every time i meet someone that i would like to get to know better, i break it off because I think to myself "oh...this is a nice guy, i don't want to drag him into this mess...." I mean, i can't say enough how much I really DON'T want to be in a relationship with my stbx and feel ready to date, but my stbx really gets to me, and i find myself crying and missing the way we were at one time....I can't bring that into a relationship!!! But, if i wait for the day where i won't feel thast so much anymore, i am liable to be old and gray.....
The guy I am seeing now is super understanding...he knows I have a child and is okay with that (althoguh I haven't and WON'T bring my son around anyone i am dating unless i know it's serious....and that's ANOTHER issue i have with dating...) but I still can't bring myself to talk to this guy about what's on my mind regarding my ex because i feel "needy" or that i am dumping on him, or worse yet, I don't want to give the impression that the new guy is a "rebound" or "transitional" guy (been there, done that right after the split...EW...) and that i am going to hurt him....UGH...it's such a gray area......I am ready to date, found a nice guy that wants to listen to me when i am feeling down, yet i don't want to talk to him because of all the above stated reasons. And, last but not least...MY SON....I have no idea how that's going to be.....I never had to think about dating and being a mom at the same time and just want to do the best thing.
I know it's not fair of me to make the decision for this new guy i am seeing...if he knows my situation and i am 100% honest with him and he STILL wants to get involved, then it will be HIS decision...i shouldn't be making that one for him, right?? ::)
Re:Answer me this one.... TiredandScared: I don't want to get flamed for saying this so I am going to spell it out.
*Disclaimer* This is my opinion, and my opinion only. I am not forcing my OPINION on anyone. If you don't agree with my opinion, well thats why we live in one of the greatest countries in the world, because well I am happy you can have a differing opinion.
Ok with that all done. To me there are three things to a divorce, and only you can see what criteria you need to feel like it's over.
1. Physical seperation (living totaly seperately)
2. Mental Seperation (knowing it's over and its done)
3. Paper Work (the piece of paper saying it's done)
Re:Answer me this one.... PiscesGoddess: Im glad you posted that Tired.. I too..sometimes dont post how I "really" feel about things for fear of getting flamed on here.. so kudos to you for being honest!
As for you situation Sunny, man, do I understand... You and I are similar ..in the fact that we were both the "L" word , and that we have children that makes us come into constant contact with our ex's. It just takes the whole ball of wax and makes it even stickier ::)
As for dating..you are right..you cant make decisions for this guy..and if he really cares about you, and you care about him, then he should be understanding to your situation. I know how it is, I let my self-esteem issues get in the way, feel like, God who would want all this baggage Ive got? And you know what? that is not fair..to me or to whomever I am seeing. This is just who I am..take it or leave it. I cant go back and change the things that have happened to me..I can only do the best I can with what is ahead.. and if someone is going to be with me.. then they have to be accepting of all that goes with me.. because you know what? The good outweighs the bad.. and in your case that is true also... ;) I think the lingering feelings for the ex will be there .. always. .because we have children with these people..but as long as we dont let it impede us on our journey, and leave us stuck in limboland..then we will be fine. Just my 2cents sweetie...Keep me posted!
Pisces
Re:Answer me this one.... Seraph: [quote author=TiredandScared link=board=6;threadid=1516;start=0#msg10680 date=1069425351">
I don't want to get flamed for saying this so I am going to spell it out.
*Disclaimer* This is my opinion, and my opinion only. I am not forcing my OPINION on anyone. If you don't agree with my opinion, well thats why we live in one of the greatest countries in the world, because well I am happy you can have a differing opinion.
[/quote">
Not tying to hijack your thread here SF, but I thought this needed a positive response.
It is possible for sane, rational people to look at the same problem and see differing solutions. On of the great things about living in a free society, as T&S pointed out, is the freedom to express those differing opinions. Simply because someone has a different viewpoint doesn't mean that they are deranged or defective. It simply means that their knowledge and experiences lead them to see things another way. It saddens me to see that we are losing sight of that simple truth as a society, and in my opinion ( ;)) it weakens the very foundation of what makes this country great to begin with...
Re:Answer me this one.... SunnyFlower: Hmmm....a question for you T&S:
I am just asking....maybe it's because I am not sure what you meant exactly by your post (and I am NOT flaming you, LOL!!) Are you implying that (at least for you) that it's not appropriate to date until all 3 "criteria" have been met?? Becuase I have one and two down pat....I have accepted it's over and want to move on....we don't physically live together anymore and haven't for almost a year...it's just the da*n court system here and the lawyers taking thier good old time with the PAPERWORK!!
Even still, after the paperwork is done, the feelings that I have (sadness, anger, etc...)will still be there. Ten years is a long time to be with someone.
PG: I like that you said the good outweighs the bad...I'd like to think that, so thank you!! :) I'll keep doing the best I can with what lies ahead!! ;)
Seraph: Good point....so all of you out there, PLEASE speak your mind!! If I wanted everyone to agree with me all the time, i wouldn't have posted on a public forum to begin with...I would have went to people I KNOW would "justify" my decisions or agree with me 100%!! But, no...that's precisely WHY I am posting here...i want to know what's on the mind of other Ojararians (LOL....we are a breed of our own, now...) and am interested in knowing what opinions others have so I can have a bigger "information pool" to make decisions from!! ;D
