No voice, No spirit incoherentlonghorn: :'(
I tried to plan a getaway to our farm with friends for sanity. Told my grandmother I will drop by with friends for a few minutes to say hello since I’d be close. Her response was leave your friends at home, bring your mother, don’t go to the farm, and she claimed she knew that was selfish. >:(
-I politely protested, and said sorry, I’m not canceling 6 hours before departure. Then what do I do, cancel the trip because she then lectured me on how I should not invite a mix of fe/male friends to a secluded area alone because that is unladylike. Guilt.
The next day I decide I don’t agree and I’m not going to feel guilty. So I go out with my male friends and realize that I want to speak but cannot form a coherent sentence, literally.
Finally, it clicked, I have been conditioned to *shut up*! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( I am crushed, I thought I was fighting. I honestly feel like my S2BX has taken away my ability to interact. I knew he wanted me to be silent but I didn’t know that I caved.
I used to be the person that drove the world crazy because I was always overly enthusiastic. Now people who have known me for three years are surprised when I smile. I have horrible repressed memories pop up every other week and I am exhausted. My S2BX’s goal in life is to screw up our son, since that's his only leverage right now. He called me up on the phone to tell our son “You mother doesn’t love you.” I know that makes him a jerk, but come on................................................................................
My own father thinks we should get back together! I keep getting phone calls from friends about how my S2BX lets our son badmouth people. S2BX doesn't even notice. I have to stop this because he’s not doing his job. WHAT?? I tell them that I can ONLY help our son when I'm with him. -Leave me alone!
I am getting hate mail from our previous church members, messages, all with good intentions. I love these people but I was NEVER judgmental to anyone I did not agree with-just supportive. Why does everyone want to know WHY I ended the marriage? "Still waiting for your story." KEEP WAITING.
I am tired of people telling me what to do…I don’t know who I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know what I want, but I can’t focus enough to get there.
Re:No voice, No spirit incoherentlonghorn: WOW...venting works. ;D I feel like I'm ready to take on the world. I can not let other peoples actions get to me. Live and learn.
Re:No voice, No spirit PiscesGoddess: ;D GOOD FOR YOU! Sounds like that voice and spirit are coming back... But they were probably not gone at all.. Keep on going..You sound like a very strong person.. Dont let anyone keep you down... ;)
HUGS
Pisces
Re:No voice, No spirit justmenow: Actually, it sounds to me like you know exactly who you are - the problem seems to lie with those you come in contact with. It also appears to me that you are not yet comfortable being who you know you are. Try on your "old self" for a while - it might just piss a few people off. Who cares? Who you really are will fit like a pair of old jeans - comfortably, wrinkled in all the right places.
The people who are truly your friends and who truly love you will stick around no matter what - brush the others off like they are brushing you off. Don't bother. You will be happier with yourself in the end if you stay true to who you feel most comfortable being.
You will never please everyone, so don't even try. If you try to let others dictate who you are, you will end up making them happy and yourself miserable. Thank people for their opinion and then do your own thing. Thank people for checking in on you and then don't tell them anything other than you feel comfortable giving up. It's really none of their business anyway. Tell them it's very personal and you don't feel comfortable discussing the details of your personal life with them.
This is the only life you get - do it your way. Just my two cents as usual.
Re:No voice, No spirit incoherentlonghorn: >Try on your "old self" for a while - it might just piss a few people off. Who cares?
That's what I want to do, but I can not get out of my mind two flaws:
1) This is not suppose to be a "happy time!" Although, I am at more peace with myself and am more inspired than I have been in three years.
2) I'm not suppose to p*ss off my "unstable" S2BX per my therapist who is concerned. I want nothing more than to show him how happy I am becoming, but I need to be sympathetic to his issues. Maybe I'll be myself excessively when I'm not around him, but more reserved with him. ARG...that is how this all began!!!
>The people who are truly your friends and who truly love you will stick around no matter what.
Funny - I just told someone that last night!
The rest I can handle - great advice. Thanks ladies.
