online dating redux dominowin: Any of you found online dating so distracting and consuming that it gets a little nuts? After a few weeks of becoming really involved with e-mailing and get-togethers, with some online rejections or distance really affecting me, I've realized that my obsessive tendencies are really flowering here! I'm glad I'm at least recognizing it and have decided to take a cold-turkey break from it to protect my own sanity and figure out why I feel such an urge to be into it. I know I need to step back and deal with my own *real* life of work, friends, chores, hobbies, etc. instead of wasting my time looking for guys just to feel I'm getting attention. But it's so much easier said than done. I'd love to hear how you all deal with it...it's a whole other world, as I know we've discussed in previous threads...
Re:online dating redux ostia: Hi Marjie!
I think there are probably two things going on: wanting attention, but also fear of being entirely alone. These two issues are also related, or least they are for me: if I am getting attention from guys, I feel confident that I will be able to get into another serious relationship eventually, whereas if no one is showing any interest, I develop this irrational fear of ending up like Eleanor Rigby!
The thing I don't understand is why the idea of being completely single and just focusing on myself for a while is so threatening to me. I really think I should do it...it would be really good for me...but it's too scary somehow. ???
One thing that disturbs me in particular is that I was feeling more anxious and sad this weekend than I have in quite a while (I spent Sunday afternoon on my sofa crying about my X, which has been a mercifully rare event for me for the last 2 months or so). I have this sneaking suspicion that my anxiety may be due in part to the fact that this was the first weekend in a while that I just spent at home alone, or out with friends, rather than hanging out with the guy I've been dating (he's away on vacation). This is a problem, because I really don't want my emotional well-being to be dependent on a relationship right now.
I really admire you for being able to cut yourself off from the online dating thing even though it was providing temporary ego gratification, and for dumping that guy you were seeing even though you liked him. You really should be proud of yourself for being strong enough to protect yourself from things when you realize they're bad for your emotional health. Once you become more centered and comfortable with the idea of being single, doing the online dating thing in a more healthy way will probably become possible....
Re:online dating redux justmenow: YES! YES! YES! I went through exactly that. It got to the point where I was literally sitting at my computer waiting for the next inquiry to come in, and if nothing did come in, I was crushed. I did find a couple of really great guys through Yahoo, but nothing really worked out. Thank goodness the one guy I was getting serious about had the presence of mind to cool things off. I think he knew how much of a wreck I was and now I feel really bad for dragging him into my drama.
Anyhow, I just wasn't ready to date or maintain a relationship at the time and I'm sure I was putting off that unspoken "Danger! Danger!" warning sign. So, I went cold-turkey about two months ago and I'm so glad I did. I feel as if I have some control back in my life now. I accept that I'm not ready and have been doing a lot of soul-searching in the meantime, getting to know myself better and feel more comfortable being alone. When I am ready again, maybe I'll go back to online dating or maybe not, but I have all the time in the world. There's really no rush. Maybe I'll just start doing outside activities that I enjoy and meet someone while having fun! You never know when you're going to come across someone new.
Thank you so much for posting this, because I felt like maybe I was the only one who has ever gotten "hooked" to such an extent on these online dating sites. You don't know how relieved you have made me. :)
Re:online dating redux dominowin: Well, there was this whole New York Times Magazine cover story on internet dating this weekend, if any of you picked it up. If anyone's interested, I have access to it online and can e-mail it to you. But it made just want to hurl. Believe me, we aren't alone in getting hooked on online dating. It's exactly that feeling of sitting at the computer waiting for something to come in. And I work at home so you can imagine the distraction.
Ostia, I'm so sorry you were bummed on Sunday! And after all those mojitos Friday night... :) Yah, it's definitely some combo if irrationally worrying about being alone, even though I sort of pride myself on being okay alone...but it's like if I don't have something in the fire or several balls in the air I feel like I'm a loser and nothing's going on. That was one of the really nice things about being married. I never had to act like that and so was able to concentrate on regular life!!!
And don't think I'm so strong...already I've checked. But I'm doing my best to limit it. The less I do it the more in control I think I'll feel, less anxiety...
ARGH... ???
