be strong inebr: Holidays are bad, I never liked them ...the only time I felt good during a holiday was when I was with my stbx's family and friends. I guess they just liked me, didn't judge me, weren't feeling they had to project thier bitterness onto me....
Anyhow, now that stbx is no longer part of my life, that time is gone. This thanksgiving I went to my family. And it was just the way I remember it. A game of trying to make each other miserable with bitter words and judgemental comments and me trying to remain composed, understanding to just let it slide, like water off a ducks back, time and time and time again. The judging looks, the belittleing comments. It's really horrible.
I'm sorry that my family has had bad lives and that they're bitter and things didn't and/or aren't working out for them. I just can't help them. I can only take so much. I deserve to be happy.
I'm exhaused with that.
I got home today and missed my stbx. I missed having someone other than my family ...and I called him to ask about the cable bill (this has been our excuse to see one another every month for the last 3 months or so). And I went to see him and get the bill. and that was that. I picked it up, we had a cup of tea. talked about work and politics. And I left.
I just feel alone. And that's alright. I can see that my fear of being alone has either sent me into the jaws of my "well meaning" family or to men who really don't have the capacity to give a hoot. And in the times I feel weak I just want someone to go to. And the only person in my life right now to go to is me. (and ojar, thank you ojar) I know that will change in the future as I make new and healthier different friendships. It'll get better. Right now it's hard. I wish things were different.
It's hard to be strong. But I see what the alternative can be. I admire all you out there who have little ones to be strong for, too.
I want things to be different for me. :-\ I know they will some day. I just want it to be soon.
Re:be strong Buggs: inebr,
I sorry that you're feeling this way. Holidays are meant to enjoy quality family time and break away from the hussle bussle of everyday life. I too have a family who can be somewhat jugdmental but it also extends to the in-lawas as well (yuk man)anyways I have a close friend who also went through a divorce about 1 year ago and there were times when he was at his lowest point and that was generally around holidays, but today, one year later, he's in a new relationship and as happy as a clam. I guess I'm just reiterating what you already know, that in time things WILL change, this is just a moment in your life.
Feel free to IM send me a note anytime!
buggs
Re:be strong picadilly: Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
This is what it sounds like your family maybe feeling, Inebr and I'm so sorry that may be the case. I know family can grate on our nerves at times but thats the thing about family they may annoy us but push comes to shove, blood is thicker then water. It's rough around the holiday's... especially if it's the first one after the break up. I know. I feel it keenly too. But it will pass, we have to believe that it can get better. That is what holds me sane... that it can always be worse but it can only get better. Time & good friends can help & Ojar. ;D
Re:be strong inebr: Thank you much.
Picadilly, that quote makes my skin crawl. It's so true. I hate listening to others take stock of another's shortcomings or downfalls with gusto. It's mean-spirited. I believe there are ways to communicate about people/sitatuaitons without doing this, but it's all about what's really at the bottom of someone's heart when talking, ...and it's impossible to hide. Sorry to go off. Yes, I have always felt like I've had a gossipy, often mean-spirited family. but I also believe they don't realize it, and probably have always been in the same atmosphere themselves. And the whole thing is a tragic cycle. I think intentions are often good and remorse comes and goes, but it's the same cycle and tons of denial about what conversations and remarks are really about. I don't know ...there's this other quote that pertains:
"the road to hell is paved with good intentions" ...IMO, good intentions just aren't good enough. Not for me. Actually being the person I intend to be is a freaking full-time job. But I want good friendshps and relationships, I want to be a good mother someday. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror always.
Seeing my stbx today made me a little sad too. I want to tell him that I do love him and that I'm sorry for any pain I have caused him. Because I know I did through all of this. Even with the very best of intentions (see above).
It's strange to look at him now, I still wonder what happened and I want to ask why he left.
