Feeling Guilty Smiley17: K-
You've been lashing out the past few days, and from conversations you've had with a friend on the opposite side of things, it seems as if your behavior patterns are stemming from the abuse you've suffered for so long.
You've dealt with rejection from every form since you were a little girl, and this latest blow that was totally unprovoked and unexpected, put a new twist on how you handle your feelings. It's true that you had zero time to prepare for something like this, and you were deceived, but it happens. It happens to the best of us and one day, it'll happen to him too.
Your focus now needs to be on you. It's finally time to heal, finally time to face the inner and outer demons that have been haunting you for the past 12 years. It's time to take it on and stop running from it.
I've noticed something about you, K, you're at your strongest in the morning and during the day, and at your weakest at night. Could it be that you're busy during the day and that you feel safe? You know, at night is when all of those feelings and fears come racing at you. It's hard to figure out where to turn when that happens, so what do you do? You lash out. It's what you've been taught, and it's all you know. It's a bahavior pattern that you are going to break.
This is beyond doubt, the toughest thing you are ever going to do. Even child birth will be easy compared to this. Heck, I wish I was in labor rather than dealing with this, but it's not that way.
Someone told you today that you're strong and that it's starting to show. It's a good thing because it's what you need to hear right now. It's time to be strong. Time to take the bull by the horns and get it done. Time to make it happen!
There's no doubt that you feel some guilt for lashing out the past few days, but the anger needs to be directed, and since you can't direct it at the source and you have no answers, this is the best thing you can do. It's better than running to drugs or alcohol, and it's better than serial dating. So what if he sees it, maybe he needs to. Maybe he needs to know the damage he's caused. He was so concerned with himself that he didn't truly see what he was doing to you. Sure, maybe he's said it a few times, but you know that words don't mean much. D's a great example of that one.
Maybe right now is the best time not to trust men. Maybe this is what you needed to open your eyes. For the first time in a long time, you recognized a problem, and you accepted it. Now, let's take the next step and face it.
It's time.
Quit feeling so guilty and take your stand. You CAN do this. I know you can!
Love,
-K
