heart hurts BabygirlM: **backround for the ojarians....been together 2.5 years, broke up a few months back and since then on and off together. he has been horrible to me, but i still loved him, the week before last he wanted to make us work again, we had the best weekend ever. well i went to his house last weekend, and he was in bed with another woman, a co-worker of his :'( as a breaking point, i emailed the girl, telling her how horrible he is, about our relationship etc. well sh*t hit the fan and he will not take my calls, my emails etc. (which like everyone keeps saying, why do i want to talk to him anyway?????) ****
Dear R-
first off, why do you care that i emailed her? im sure you just told her i was some psycho ex anyways. youre a smooth talker...im sure its all over and done now, you told her everything i said was lies blah blah... or ya'll just laugh about it. and she could care less that i emailed her...she doesnt know me from a girl walkin down the road. i was jealous...i was hurt quite possibly the most out of all the hurtful things i put up with...i felt so sick from it all, and you didnt care....you didnt care that you were in my bed one night...and she was in yours the next. just friends or not....it was the most painful thing ever. just think about what it feels like when you just 'hear' about me with another guy....times that by 100.
maybe you are just scared that you cant trust me ever again because i went behind your back and emailed her...welcome to my world hunny....its so much fun to not trust the one you are in love with. its the worst feeling in the world. but i give my word to people and mean it....i apologize and mean it. again thats just me being naive i guess.
why is my stuff unforgivable....but yours ALWAYS forgivable, nah im just stupid for being so forgiving i guess. laugh at me all you want for calling. im just trying to be honest with you and i dont give up that easy, especially when its someone i loved. i apologized, i said i was wrong. if you cant accept it then im sorry. but i aint gonna stop caring about what happens to you. fuck its been way to much time for that and im not like that...with anyone.
ive said this a million times and ill say it again, i CANT make you care about me, i CANT make you love me, and i cant make you feel anything that you dont want to....all i can do is know what 'I' feel, and my stubborn as all hell personality (although you are way more stubborn) will not apologize or feel sorry for caring about you!!!!!!!!! thats just silly and stupid.
i dont know how to not have you somewhere in my life.....thats all, its weird to me, sorry. god we were picking out houses together this time last year! i know ill get over you, i always do, but this time was different....this time we both hurt each other. i know we met each other for a reason...if not to be together then to just learn from each other i guess.
i feel so stupid saying this simply because ive sincerely given my heart to you for so long, and because it makes me look like a fool and a complete idiot....but i KNOW and ive known you didnt love me.....i guess i just wanted to believe differently. its not hard for me to find guys, R, but i didnt want any other guy (stupidly). people would ask me out and all i would think about is you....but youve never felt that way about me. in a way...i just wish when i told you i didnt want a realtionship 2 years ago you listened. but you were convinced you had feelings for me so i gave you a chance....sometimes i am curious how long you felt that way for, and when things got so f*cked up. everyone tells me i will never get the answers i am looking for from you....its just hard for me...i wish you would understand.
i can say i will tell you goodbye now and never call or email again....but god knows ive not kept with that before. so ill just say....take care for now, and i hope you dont laugh at me yet again and delete another heartfelt confession.
Love, M
