Hot and Cold
A few years ago, my husband had come to me and told me that he felt our marriage was in trouble. He said I needed help because I was insecure, jealous and controlling. He said that he was unhappy and insisted that I get a handle on my emotions. I agreed that there were problems (and not all me, but I admitted to my share). I have made monumental strides... now the big BUT. Over the last three years, while I have felt happy with my strides, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was more distant, unhappy, dissatisfied, etc. About two months ago, I confronted him and he told me things that I did not want to hear. He said that while I have made great strides, he has "grown apart" from me. He said he is looking around...thinking that a different woman would be more suited to him and his personality. At first, I crumbled. I was trying to think of anything I could say or do to MAKE him see that I am a woman worth loving. That we have a family worth trying for. He left for a week in July and then came back. He says mostly for the boys (2 - who are 7 and 9). Everytime I ask him how he feels, I hear things that I don't want to, so I have resolved not to ask. He can be totally cold to me at any particular moment and then call me honey on the phone or reach out for sex. He says that he needs time to think about us. That he is confused about what he wants in his future. He just turned 40, so I would like to say that this is a midlife thing, but it has been going on for a while. I want us to work, but he has hurt me...to my soul. And on top of that, he hasn't even said that he wants things to work...only that he is "thinking". I know that I can not change how he feels...only he can. I am continually confused by his lack of affection and then the little bones he throws out. I am afraid if I shut him out, he will go elsewhere for "it". I also don't want to be used...I am worth more than that. I am afraid. I am trying to look at myself, but I only see a shell without his love and the completeness of my family.
I will continue to read stuff here. I see a lot of info and advice that I can draw from...as they say: Take what you want - leave the rest.
Thanks for reading.
Re: Hot and Cold sourpuss: welcome to ojar.
don't let him emotionally blackmail you. take care of yourself & your kids, first & foremost. you can't live for him, only for yourself.
i don't want to make this worse for you, but my husband said many of those things to me as he was walking out the door, especially the part about needing to "think". he was having an affair, the only thing he was "thinking" about was how to leave without me finding out.
Re: Hot and Cold Rachael: I have asked him several times if there is someone else...he has denied it. He has been brutally honest with me about the fact that he has been "looking around". Many people have said what you did about him probably already crossing that line. I am so in love with him that I can't bring myself to think that. I do know that I need to be there for myself and the boys. I wonder if it would be better to ask him to leave. I have seen all of the lines about "having your cake and eating it too..."
Re: Hot and Cold paralyzed: Wow. Okay, so it seems that he wants to leave, but the guilt of hurting you is making him stay. What you need to ask yourself is do you want him to stay because of obligation, or because he truly loves you? You deserve to be loved for all that you are - not something someone settles for because of obligation.
Re: Hot and Cold sourpuss: i think if you look way deep down in your heart, you will find you already know what's going on with him.
it may not be an affair, but he is telling you one thing, loud & clear: he doesn't value you or your marriage enough to be bothered with fixing it.
it may be in your best interests, as painful as it will be, to tell himto do his "thinking" under a different roof. perhaps he will want you back, perhaps he won't, but either way, you will have broken the stalemate.
you are hurting yourself by allowing this to continue.
