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Did she truely love me?

Did she truely love me? lost in midland: My ex-wife has been gone for a year.  My life has not been the same.  Last night we started talking about the kids and it led into our marriage of 13 years.  I always had a feeling she was never deep down inside in love with me.  Last night my fears came true.  She told me she was in love with me at the start but what she really was in love with was getting married.  All of her friends were starting to get married.  When I met her she was getting over a realationship with her boyfriend I later found out later she called him "the love of her life."  I wish I would have know this from the start. this should have been my first clue.  My second was: she was having a bad day at work---i mean really bad.  So I rushed home, made plans for the kids to spend the night at thier aunt's house.  Made steak and lobster,  made her a wine and cheese tray, ran her a bath,  had 20 lit candels lining the staircase.  When she walked in I told her to go up and relax I will be taking care of you tonght.  After she got in the bath (w bubbles) I brought her a glass of wine and the cheese tray.  I told her I was sorry for the day she had and I hope things get better. Her response was "You want sex don't you".  I was crushed and left for awhile, the next day I got her flowers and sent them to her.  Later that day I found them in the parking lot. 
I know I'm better off with out her I just can't shake the feeling of her infedelity during our marriage and the fact she didn't love me.

Any words of wisdom would be GREAT..... Thanks
WhiskeyGirl: were together for 13 yrs, I dont think she was pretending all that time. I could be wrong but mabey its easier for her to move on if she tells herself that she never really loved you. I believe some people just arent capable of the kind of love that others are.....I feel that my ex didnt love me the way I loved him either, his actions show that loud and clear. For the longest time I was stuck, like you, I couldnt let it go, I felt like if I cant make him love me then obviously I am unlovable so nobody will ever love me. It sounds so silly but its actually how I felt. Over time I have realized that, although I still believe my feelings for him were stronger than his were for me, he DID love me, he loved me the best he could and with all he was capable of at the time. It wasn't that I was unlovable but that he just wasnt capable of any more. I am sorry for what your going through. From the sounds of it you were a wonderful husband and she was...... well mabey a tad selfish? It does get better and you DO deserve better....give it time :)

 marfanoidus: Lost,

Everything you're feeling right now, after 13 years of marriage, after 1 year of separation, all the doubts and questions you have about yourself and 'why' things happened the way they did, 'how' she could say such things...... think about all of it for a moment. Try to get every memory you have, every question about the relationship, remember every emotion, every hurt and disappointment. For just a moment, try to fill your entire being with all those things, intentionally try to overwhelm your own senses with them, but only for just a moment.

[quote"> I know I'm better off with out her I just can't shake the feeling of her infedelity during our marriage and the fact she didn't love me.

You can't shake it because you're still intentionally and deliberately holding onto all those things, even though you may not be aware of your choice to do so. If you don't want them to bother you anymore, then just let them go.

Her infidelity? Why should it be given the power to adversely affect your present and future?
Her not loving you? Is it an obstacle in your way now for moving forward and finding happiness in this life without her?

Its the past. And it is stealing your present.

Lost, just like you can consciously choose to absorb yourself in painful and negative thoughts, you also have the power to choose to let them go.
You have the power to move forward with what remains of your life, unaffected by pains of the past.

So, while you're mind is full of all those things, tell yourself (outloud, if you're not concerned with looking like a loon) "I'm not thinking about these things anymore. I'm ready to move forward, and I'm tired of looking behind me." Once you realize its a blessing and an opportunity that you're free from her, you will begin to heal.

You can shake it, don't think for one more second that you can't. You just have to let it go.

good luck to you,
 dgiirl: lost, I question if my husband ever loved me too.  But what Wiskey said is what I've come to believe.  I dont think it's possible for someone to do what they claimed they did.  I strongly believe it's what they need to tell themselves now to make it right for them to leave.  I've also come to accept that it truely doesnt matter if his love was real or not.  My love was real!  It is the most important thing to me.  I never lied.  I loved with all my heart, and I realize how committed I was to marriage and love.  These are good qualities about myself and I think in time you will realize it's the same about you.

 lost in midland: Wow-----Thanks
My love was real and I know I can get on with my life --- soon I hope.  It still hurts and I still have anger.  However the anger is starting to turn into pitty.  I just want the boys to be O/K.  They both know my ex and I don't get along and that bothers me.  Someday they will find out the truth.  I hope she gets what is coming to her I just don't want the boys to be hurt by her selfesh attitude.  I have to take one to soccer I will be back.  This is a good thing......

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