Need an Opinion wanttobefree:
Ok maybe it is me.... Am I concerned over nothing? It this just me wanting this to be an issue. I separated 17 months ago. We lived with my mother all in one house. My marriage broke down, which had bee shakey for years. Stbx moved out, after he moved out I went through two weeks of hell. My mother was hostile to say the least, she accused me of several affairs and to be fair I fueled the fire becasue she was making me so angry. She then started picking on my 15 year old told her that if she knew about what her mom had did she would hate her too. Now first of all, no proof becasue having coffee with a man doesn't constitute an affair, second telling kids to just wrong.
Now after two weeks of this and hearing everyday, When are you getting a place of your own so i can get on with my life, and my mother verbally abusing my 15 year old, I packed the kids up on night in the middle of an argument and went to stay with a freind. Hmmmm no appology from my mother, not even a phone call. As a matter of fact two days later my stbx moved in with her.
Now one wonders why my sixten year old won't talk to her dad. could it be that she saw all that has went on, saw her grandmother go against her own child, her grandmother hurt her and call her names? Is that enough for her to have to bear or did dear old dad make it worse by moving back in there?
What I am left with now is a 16 year old who won't talk to her father, a 13 year old who has finally said he has had enough and will no longer tlak to his dad, and two smaller kids ages 9 and 7 who are sometimes happy with seeing dad but full of complains when they return.
How do I deal with this? Am I a bd mother becasue I respect my childrens wishes? Do I have to clean every mess up that my stbx creates.
Re: Need an Opinion skooz: [quote"> Am I a bad mother becasue I respect my childrens wishes?[/quote">
Sweetie, I don't know about the two young ones, but your 13 and your 16 are very much in a position to decide what they want, right? They've seen enough, they've seen how much you're suffering and what a couple of asses your mother and your STBX are. It isn't rocket science.
Isn't 13 an age where a child from divorced parents can choose who they want to be with? No, you're not a bad mother for wanting to respect your wishes. You're doing just fine, give yourself some credit because from what I can see, every move you've made has been because of them.
I can't give you much advice about this one because I don't have children, but I would be exactly the same thing. Good luck! You know I'm with you ALL THE WAY.
F.
Re: Need an Opinion alonewith2: First I have to ask, why did your STBX move back in with your mom? That just doesn't make since to me.....but in a way, I guess it does. My mom and my STBX have a close relationship, but that stems from my mother being one of those who always seems to have a special place in her heart for those less fortunate. She tries her best to take in anyone who needs a helping hand. So it irritates me that she has chosen to help out my STBX after all he's done to me, but I can understand that it is just her generous personality that makes her do it.
Second, you are not a bad mother! Your older two recognize this and that is why they are content to be with you and cut off all contact with the father. Unless you have added to their feelings by stating negative things about him in their presence, then you do not qualify as a bad mother!! Your younger two may just be copying the other two like in, if they don't go, I don't want to go either. Little children tend to follow their older siblings like that. But there is nothing you can do other than talk to all the children about their feelings and try to determine what exactly it is that makes them feel the way they do. Just be there for them and let them know that you love them and have their best interests at heart!
I wouldn't say that you have to constantly clean up the STBXs messes for him. He's gotten himself to this place, it is up to him to get out of it. I would not encourage mistreatment of him by your kids, but just talk to them and let them know (as I previously said) that you love them and have their best interest at heart. I know that sometimes kids do/say things that they think their parent(s) want.....maybe they just say that they don't want to be around their dad because they think that's what you want....you won't know unless you ask.
As for your mother, the only thing I can suggest is to just let her know that you love her and respect her, but don't want anything like this to come between all of you.
Good luck, hang in there, we're here for you if you need to talk!!
