details of my divorce oiarbovnb: So here are the details of my relationship, and then the details of my divorce. I am chemically depentant on alcohol and possibly pot. My wife is a social worker, who has stuck by me despite these problems, for 2.5 years of marriage, and 8 years of total time together.
She has not been very loving to me, not enjoyed making love, not confiding secrets to me, not telling me her hopes, dreams and aspirations. She has told me that I need to quit drinking, pot, and smoking for years. I quit pot and cigarettes last year, for about a year, and had planned to quit drinking once I hit my 1 year anniversary for pot and cigarettes. I was quitting very slowly, but I was quitting.
I was also very depressed, or have been, for much of our relationship. I never sought professional help, even though I should have, and even though she told me I should.
Well, I guess she just had enough. After a couple of months of hitting a particularly low with my drinking (but not pot or smoking cigarettes), she went to a party with a bunch of our mutual friends and screwed around with my best friend. She has liked him ever since near the beginning of our relationship, and she messed around with him during our engagement (but I didn't know that at the time, I only recently learned of this).
I was gone with my brother on a camping trip, and she went to this party and messed around with my friend. On the very next Monday, two days after she messed around with him, I told her how sorry I was about everything and that I was going to straigten myself out, and that I wanted to do more stuff with her that was more wholesome (such as camping and walking and being together). She didn't seem upset at all. Two days later she gave me a letter telling me that she thought the spark was gone, she was sick of my drinking, and wasn't sure what to do really, but that we should talk. We talked but didn't really come up with anything, except that I plan to deal with my drinking once I hit my 1-year anniv.
Well, the next night, she comes home and says she wants to be seperated. I call my best friend (her new lover) and tell him I need to talk. We talk about my relationship issues, and how I'm feeling like shit and everything. After he drops me off at my house, he proceeds to go out with her and screw around with her again.
The next day she comes home and tells me she wants a divorce. I get suspicious, and read her email and find out she's having this affair. I get all pissed and eventually call her on the phone.
Now its about a month later, and sure enough we're getting a divorce. Yes I begged her to stay, yes I promised I would get better, yes I yelled at her and called her nasty names. She refused to hear any of it, told me she has not loved me since before we got married, is sick of me, and wants me out of her life.
Because all my friends basically took her side, I have no one left, but a small hand-ful of people. I'm very depresed, alone and scared.
I feel so betrayed. I feel so hurt. I don't think I will ever be able to love or trust anyone ever again. I still want my old Kelly back, but I never will have her back, even if she wants to, because she has changed now.
I hate her, and I hate myself. I want to become a better person. I want to become better than her. I want her to live a horrible life, but I also want her to be happy. I hate all this.
Relationships suck.
What do I do? Do I move on? Do I go into mourning? Do I leave the state and never look back? Do I continue asking for her back? Do I try and date other people? Do I stop drinking? Do I start smoking pot again? Should I just commit suicide and end all of this? I'm so sick of it, and I don't want to go through this anymore.
Re: details of my divorce Erin: You do all of that BUT DO NOT START DRINKING, NOT THE POT AND NOT SUICIDE!
She IS NOT worth ending your life for.
What happened to you is terrible. Not only to lose your wife but your best friend as well. Lean on the people that are around you. Talk to your mom and dad, aunts, uncles, etc. People care about you. People love you. I know that it may not seem like it but they do.
See a counsellor for yourself. It really helps.
Type to us here at OJAR we are all going through or have been through some really rough relationships and have all felt or are feeling what you are right now.
You need to call your small handful of people and get them to come over and be with you. Doesn't mean you need to talk, them just being there helps.
Take care of you. That's exactly what you need to do right now.
Re: details of my divorce lilly10: Sounds like you have hit rock bottom. It is so hard to try to pick all the pieces up but you know what you have to. Giving up on yourself will not solve anything at all. You can make it through this I promise you. Please reach out to people talk to your friends and family you need support right now. I know you are depressed alone and scared and the only way you will even begin to feel better is by talking about this and being with people. Get out of the house but dont go to the bar just get out and take a walk, get a cup of coffee. You need to work on you right now!!! We are here for you!
Re: details of my divorce sadaboutdad: Hey olar, sorry to hear about your troubles. I have had some experience with Addicts before and the one thing I know is that they need TONS of support. If she had truly cared about you she would have been more of a sponser and supporter than a screw-with-you-best-friend kinda girl. Now that she is gone you can start to get your life on track!!! It's gonna take a while, but you will start to feel better and the BEST revenge ever is waiting for you to throw in her face. Show her that your problems were really as much to do with her than you, live well without her! Hey, if you quit drinking and suceed then one day down the road when you have to face her again (and it will probably happen) you can say "You know it's the funniest thing, never drank again after you left, just didn't need to anymore..." It impies that she is soooo B!TCHY that you couldn't help it around her (true or not makes you feel better just to think huh?)
Re: details of my divorce someone: I feel your pain. It has been one month for me since my wife left me for a good friend of mine too. Things seemed to be going well up until she hit me with the news that she wanted to get a divorce. There are tons of clues that you probably missed because of your dependance on alcohol and just plain denial. Your probably not too happy with yourself right now and look for reasons why she left you. Logically it would seem that your faulty and she left you because of that. Thats just not true. She just stopped putting the effort into the relationship and moved on. She is light years ahead of you mentally dealing with the separation and will be very cold and uncaring.
Living with someone that is a substance abuser is not the most fun, but it sounds like you realized those problems and ARE working through them. Its may seem harder now without the support from her, but I would guess to say that her support wasn't that great at all. Your making great strides and she doesn't even acknowlege them... she was already 'checked out' of the relationship at that point.
Don't drink.. it will just cloud your mind and you will never learn the answers that you are so desperately seeking right now.
Don't kill yourself... you don't need to end your life over this, life is already short enough and you don't want her to have the satisfaction of saying "he was really messed up and that is why I left him"
Work on you... meaning you need to boost your self confidence, self image and make some goals. Your dependance on various substances tells me that you have had this issue for a very long time. If you expect to enter into a relationship that is fruitful in the future, your going to have to figure this stuff out.
I'm not perfect and I continue to work on these things everyday. Some days are tough... some are good. "It gets better" will be a phrase that you will eventually get tired of hearing, but it is so true.
