I hate me so much.......... Feel: :'(
I feel when I have an ok day I am still in depression and holding back my tears, but today is really bad...
I just want to go home and cry all day...
He was over last night, we talked and it seems like when things (i guess) start looking a little more positive, he gets all worried and says he's not sure what he wants... But he also said something that hurt and hurt a lot...
"He said that if he could take back getting married he would have!"
My stomach right is still sunk into my throat and that ball is just getting bigger!
He said that if he walks away completely he will have nothing an dI will eventually find a man who will be a father to his son and I will be happy and have a house, and he will have nothing but still be paying me child support... OBVIOUSLY.... And when his son goes to see him he will be in some apartment on his own.
I said so what your saying is that you won't leave me completely but leave me hanging on because you are worried that I am going to be happy one day. Ok then why take the chance and leave me and your son, if you are so worried about me being happy with someone else. By the way I will be successful regarles if there is a man or not in my life!
Though trying to be strong I still broke down!
It seems as if he told me straight that he wants to be in my life still but I only with him and our child yet he can come and go as he pleases with no commitment yet doing his thing when ever with whom ever!
I told him he needs some psychiatric help. And that his problems where before me and since he couldn't find happiness with himself he thought I would be able to fix things but still 5 years later you are still unhappy with yourself and tour choices are just becoming more foolish unless you put your foot down and live in reality.
He went to sleep for a bit after that, and I just layed on the coach crying!
I don't know why I love him, but I do... I am a mess, I feel I am cought between a hardrock and a wall. Does this make sence...
I feel I can counsel others but not my own life. For my age right now I should be 40 and when I look in the mirror I see a 40 year old but I am reall 12 years away from that. It has to get better because I jsut hate mayself so much right now and maybe I deserve since I am letting it happen!
Guys please help... I think I need a group maybe for support :'( :'( :'( :'(
Re: I hate me so much.......... Spectrum: Hi there,
I think you're stronger underneath than you give yourself credit for. You are able to see so much of emotional load your stbx is putting on you, and being able to recognize it is the first step towards being able to deal with it.
Your ex is leaving, and unfortunately, it isn't an easy process from the "leaving" end of things either. What is more unfortunate, however, is that your stbx is trying to lessen some of his own emotional burden by transferring it to you.
Your ex is leaving, he is saying hurtful things to you, and he is grasping at straws to find something he can hang on to. He has clearly made his decision, but he's choosing an unhealthy way to come to terms with it.
Right now it seems like your world is crashing down around you. I and everyone else on Ojar has been through the same emotional roller-coaster, and I think everyone going through a divorce finds themselves dealing with the same things you are going through in some degree or another.
The key is to just keep your eyes on the horizon. I realize it is difficult to see the future clearly at this point, but now is the time for you to take stock and re-evaluate where you want to go with *yourself* as a person, and your child, and start rebuilding your life around these new priorities.
And on the shorter term, it will do wonders for your outlook and your self-esteem if you can find some small ways to take care of yourself. Go to see a movie, read a good book, start yourself on an exercise program (even if it is just taking your child to the park on a scheduled basis to walk around).
Keep your mind occupied, and you'll soon realize that life is still happening around you, just waiting for you to catch up. Keep your body occupied and you'll sleep better, you'll feel better.
Good luck, and hang in there.
Spectrum.
Re: I hate me so much.......... Older Guy: Nobody deserves this. And it is easier to counsel othewrs than apply it to our own lives. But i know you know what you need to do. And you will do it when you're ready to do it.
Probably the sooner the better.
And NOT hate yourself. Love yourself and you''ll be a great person to share love with others.
OG
Re: I hate me so much.......... dgiirl: Feel, have you been to therapy? I dont mean for that to sound condescending, but I found therapy to be a great help for me.
As for the him not wanting to be married, that's his demon, not yours. Mine said something very similar. He said he never wanted to be married but only did it because my parents wanted him too and he didnt want to hurt my feelings. I cant even fathom that being true, but if it is, that's his problem not mine. I wasnt the one who lied! I married him because i loved him, and noone can take that away from me, not even him.
As for him telling you about how good your life will be without him. Well, hun, it can be! It's classic that he tells you this. I've read lots of stories, and even have some of my own. They're conflicted with what they want, they cant make a decision, they dont want to make a decision, they just want sympathy from everyone. He wants you to feel sorry for him, so you wont be angry with him, so he'll feel less guilty about leaving. It's pretty selfish and dont think for a minute it's about you. If he was thinking about you, he wouldnt be doing what he's doing.
I can also relate to feeling way older than you are. For years, I've been feeling really really old. When he left, I thought i was an old hag and my life was over. I was in depression, even before he left, and therapy helped me realize that and helped me climb out. I have a LOT more energy now than I have had in years.
I dont have much advice to offer. Stay strong, seek help, and know in time you can make it out if you put your mind to it.
*HUGS*
Re: I hate me so much.......... Feel: I am a robot and feel like one!
This is so awful... I know what you guys mean in regards to the guilt thing and that is real shitty... I wish someone was there to hear him and then he wanted me to lay down beside him to get hugged.
I don't think he wants to leave but at the same time he wants me to live with all his priorities stuck up his butt!!
I know I will get through but I need help and I have been to cousling on my own and 2x with him... He got no where and I know I didn't either!
I am going to try a group maybe that will help!
Can someone tell me why he first tells me he doesn't want to go on and then he feels the need to want o hold me and make love to me?
