Just starting this
Just starting this Lyn35: I feel kinda silly doing this, but you all seem to be so supportive! Had a fight 6 weeks ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. Have tried to talk, but he says he's through with it. Yet, he won't move out. He's perfectly happy staying here under these circumstances (he is also coming to bed every night, with pillows down the middle). The oldest daughter (5) I know can sense what's going on. What do I do? He says if I can't take living like this, then I know what to do. I consulted a lawyer last week, but I don't want a divorce. We've had problems before but it never came to this. He refuses counseling (he feels I'm the problem so I should go myself). It's crazy living like this, I'm analyzing his every move and expression. Am I correct in thinking that I will be forced to file for divorce even though that's not what I want?
DelinquentGurl: Hmmm.....I'm reading your post, and thinking what a jerk your husband is being.
This is my opinion on the situation. If he isnt willing to go to counseling, he thinks you are the one with the problem, and he hasnt spoken to you in 6 weeks, then why do you stay with him?? You totally deserve to be treated better.
You say you dont want a divorce, why is that? Are you worried about the effect it will have on the kids, your family, your friends?? Let me be the first to tell you, if this is the kind of behavior you are used to, and your kids are used to seeing, then you are NOT doing them a favor by staying with their father. What would you say to your daughter if she were in this situation? Would you expect her to stay if she is not happy?
I know leaving and getting a divorce is easier said than done, but you are a valuable human being and you deserve to be treated like it. It sounds to me like he dosent love you as much as you think he does, or else he wouldnt treat you the way he does.
This group will be a wonderful tool in helping you through your troublesome times.
JimB: Why not try counseling? It can't hurt, and you may either find ways of dealing with him or figure out whether this is what you really want.
I think you'll find that if things continue as they are, you will get fed up. The longer he digs in and refuses to try, the more fed up you'll get. Nobody wants a divorce, but many people reach a point where enough is enough and there truly are no other good options. If your two choices are a married life that looks like this and divorce, I can see why divorce might start to sound more palatable after a while.
Sure, he's being a jerk, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should stop trying. Be kind to yourself (since he won't) and listen to your head, your heart and your gut before you make any big decisions.
And consider the possibility he may have someone else on the side....
pisces_goddess: I have to agree with D. gurl & JimB ..they both have very valid points. I would say counseling would be a good idea ..but you cant make something do what they dont want to do. Also ..it sounds as if he has some control issues & is perhaps trying to "force" you to make this decision... Dont want to scare you but like JimB said.. think of the possibility that there is someone else on the sidelines... his behavior sounds a little classic... Just my 2 cents... Good luck :)
Lyn35: Thank you so much for your ideas. I am a real believer in trying everything before giving up on a marriage, especially when small children are involved. I agree with the "if it were my daughter" viewpoint, it's probably killing my mother to see me go through this. I know I'll have to do what's best for me and the kids in the end and so far he's not budging. I do feel fed up sometimes, but it's hard to imagine all that I hoped for is going down the drain. I don't know how much time to give it. My emotions are going from anger to sadness and back to anger from moment to moment. Having trouble controlling myself in front of the kids. I'll look into counseling for myself at least Monday morning. Actually, I would be suprised if he were seeing someone else, although it may be true. He could barely get the gumption to talk to me when we first met. I'm sure he'd feel more comfortable with me being the initiator for a divorce so he can have someone to blame it on. But how could he blame something like that on me when there really is no other action I can take?