phone calls allovertheplace: Last night when I got home I looked at my phone and realized that I missed a called from my stbx. I called him back because he was supposed to bring me some mail today. anyway, when i called he was really angry and said "well 30 minutes ago I was calling to talk to you, but now i just want to know where to drop off the mail" I don't understand this, because I don't answer the phone right when he calls or because I don't call back until 30 minutes later now he is mean about it. it is this constant game of "if you would have answered your phone 30 minutes ago then I would have been nice to you, but now you are too late" so i ask why 30 minutes makes such a difference, i ask what i did in 30 minutes between his phone call and my return call that made him so mad. and he tells me that it just gave him time to think and he doesn't know why he tries so hard. then he says that he didn't want to have this conversation but now i have gotten him started. he continues to tell me that it is unreasonable for me to want him to get along with my family.
side note: my family is a big part of my life and always has been. my stbx has always been hesitant to get close to them or enjoy time with them. they were very accepting while we were dating until he cheated on me. then they were still accepting when we got married until he kicked me out twice. he says that they are the real problem because they don't like him.
moving on...he says that i don't know how hard it is for him to not be liked by them (which is true because his family loved me). but it is not that they don't like him, they just don't feel like he even cares about them. he says that 18 months is not enough time to allow for he and my family to begin getting along and enjoying time together. he yelled at me some more about how he just married me, not my family. he loves me, not my family.
In my opinion loving my family just reflects how much he loves me. it seems to me that he should like to spend time with my family. if he knows how important it is to me, shouldn't they be important to him too. i know i did this with his friends and family. why can't he do this with mine?
anyway, the conversation ended with him telling me that he regretted ever falling in love with me and ever marrying me, because i just bailed on the marriage and that i can say whatever i want about him kicking me out and not showing affection etc. but i was the one who bailed and at this point that falling in love with me and marrying me was the worst thing that ever happened to him. the phone conversation ended with a nice "F**K YOU, F**K you for doing this" and him hanging up.
It makes no sense. we have so many other issues besides my family yet he chooses this one to focus on, because this is where he feels that he can place the blame on me. Am I completely unreasonable to want him to like spending time with my family, esp. when he is aware of how important they are to me and how much i love spending time with them. He says that he is willing to put forth the effort and go to family things, but it is too much to ask for him to like it. please be honest. am i out of line here?
Re:phone calls bamboo: Family - well this is a touchy subject with me too. The differences in our families is one of the major reasons I am getting divorced.
I have a very large family, he has a very small family. Because he wasn't used to having so many people around, he wouldn't want to be a part of anything. It was a struggle just to get him to go anywhere - family weddings, cookouts, dinners, etc.
He also used my family as an excuse for him "not being happy". He says they all put to much pressure on him and he felt he wasn't living up to their expectations. I don't know where he got that from b/c they always accepted him for who he was and welcomed him into the family with open arms. It was just an excuse to somehow make all of his unhappiness my fault.
Do you think he is being honest when he says he is willing to put out some effort and go to family things? How long will his "effort" last? What is he going to do when he is tired of pretending to enjoy himself around your family? I don't really have any advice other than to stand up for what is important to you and don't let him ruin the closeness you have with your family. Maybe he really will try and change his attitide toward your family, but how many chances are you willing to give him? What would you do if he asked you to choose between him & your family? My stbx told me to choose and thats one reason I am living back home and divorcing him...
Re:phone calls allovertheplace: jerseygirl,
i swear everytime you reply to one of my posts it is like i hear myself talking. thank you for your response. it is good to know that i am not the only one out there that thinks that family is so important. our exes have a lot in common. it really helps to know that i am not being unreasonable. i just want him to like doing things with them. why does it have to be a punishment or something where we keep tabs. why can't he just enjoy it. i really do feel like when he goes to any family things he just pretends and then he uses it against me saying "well i went to ...."
anyway, this is not the only issue with us and it is a big one. i don't know if he is really as willing as he says he is. i think he is just focusing on this because this is where he finds fault with me.
good to hear from you again.
allover
Re:phone calls JDorn: Allovertheplace, I come from a family where I'm like your husband, and like you and your husband my wife and I constantly fought over going to family get togethers because i felt like a complete outsider. I know where you are coming from though, its hard to do what you want when your significant other comes from a different upbrining and doesn't hold family in the same regard.
In the end it turned into one of the biggest reasons that my wife and I are splitting up, she got married so I could provide her with a big happy family like she was used to, and I got married to find someone to experience the adventure of life with me. In the end I felt like here at the young age of 26 that my life story was already being written years in advance and that all the choices had been taken away from me.
I just really thing that 2 people coming from very different family backgrounds will experience alot of trouble communicating with one another about how they feel. For years I tried to express the fact that i wasn't comfortable around them all the time, as well as tried my hardest to fit in with them when we where there, but over time I got tired of my voice going unheard by my wife and it has lead to the place we are now.
I'm not really sure why I am writing this stuff out, but i'm kinda lost today thinking about stuff and I have counseling in an hour where I hope to talk about some of this. If nothing else, I have learned that in the future I should look for someone with a similar family background as mine so that I fit better with them, because after all you aren't just marrying your spouse, you are marrying their whole family, and you can't just hide from them forever.
JD
Re:phone calls bamboo: And about the phone call from him last night... I had similiar conversations like that too. If he didn't like the tone of my voice, or my answers to his questions, then he would change his attitude and say that he was no longer willing to work things out. This was in the very beginning of my separation, at the time I wanted to work it out with him. Conversations would start out great but then something inside him clicked and he would start yelling at me and calling me names, etc. It was like I was talking to 2 different people during the same conversation, but I'm sure it didn't help that he was always drunk when he called me.
