I'm in over my head...... Spectrum: Hi Everyone.
I have been married almost 4 years, with my husband for about 5. I am 25. My husband is 27. Our relationship isn't perfect- we don't treat each other like we should, and don't show each other enough respect. For about 6 months, I've been pretty despondant, and I had decided last summer that I would try for another year or two, and if things didn't improve, I would leave him. I also made the decision to change my behavior and lead by example- I love my husband, and I wanted us to be happy and have a healthy relationship.
On the first of the year, my husband was out of town visiting a college buddy in Chicago for New Year's. I discovered that he had sent two dozen roses to a woman in Chicago for Christmas. This was quite an eye opener. Once I started looking around, I found a hotel receipt with her name on it, paid with his card; love letters and photos; phone bills with hundreds of minutes of late night phone calls to Chicago, and so on and so forth.
I also snuck out of bed one night and listened to his half of a phone conversation with her, where they were planning to meet the following week at his parents' lake home, where he was supposedly going to snowmobile with buddies. I also overheard him discussing how they should start using different hotels, some discussion about sex, discussion about doctor's appointments, and lots of flirting and affection. I couldn't believe it.
I spent the next three days and nights in hell, unable to sleep, unable to eat, nauseated, unable to perform at work, all with my husband pretty much ignoring me.
The weekend before he was supposed to leave, I made him some of his favorite meals, and made love to him. I had noticed his distance over the past months, and finally knew why he had been that way (he had been seeing her for a solid six months). I was desperate to make him confess and apologize, because if he didn't I was going to move out while he was gone with her.
(continued)
Re:I'm in over my head...... Spectrum: He treated me horribly, insulted me after we made love, didn't respond when I told him I loved him. I was crushed.
On that Monday (almost three weeks ago, now), he left for his trip. I kissed him before I left for work and told him I'd miss him. I went to see my lawyer and got the papers going. Tuesday I moved out. Wednesday I went in and signed my papers, then walked out of the office and called him at the lake house to tell him I knew, how I knew, what I knew, and that he had until 2pm to drive back to town and pick up his papers, or I would have the sheriff serve him there.
Later that afternoon, I met him at our house and he cried in my arms about how horrible he felt, and how he had become a person he hated. And how he didn't know what to do with his life, when he had stopped caring about living and decided to just do this stupid thing. And then he drove back up to the lake house to be with her.
Thursday my sister asked me if I was sure I didn't want to try to get back together with him, because I told her how sorry he had been. I started thinking about how much I missed him, and called to ask him how he felt. He told me he didn't know, and that he was still at the lake house with her. He couldn't tell me he loved me, or that he didn't love her. I begged him to send her home. He had flown her into town, so she couldn't leave until Friday when her flight was leaving. I begged him to put her in a hotel. He refused. I cried hysterically at my desk at work for the rest of the afternoon.
Friday he told me she was gone, and that they were through.
(continued)
Re:I'm in over my head...... Spectrum: Since then, he has cried and apologized more, and I have cried and held fast. He told me he thought he wanted to beg me to take him back. I told him I thought it was a bad idea. He cried some more.
We slept together, not because I wanted him back, but because we both needed the comfort. We both cried. We slept together again, then decided it was a bad idea to do that, because I still saw no hope for our relationship, and we both felt it just made things harder to deal with.
Then I found out he was still talking with her, even though they were supposedly over.
He asked me if I would like to try counseling, which he had steadfastly refused before I caught him cheating. We made love again. He asked me to please stay the night. I refused.
And during all of this, I keep peppering him with questions about her, what they did together, what she was like, what he told her about me/us, what their plans were.
He insisted that they were strictly in the moment, and that the future was never discussed.
Then yesterday he mentioned that she was posting on some internet chat board for advice about her adulterous relationship with him. I found the board and read her letters. He was treating her like the "other little wife." She was deliriously happy about her chance to have him to herself, yet puzzled by his lack of sympathy towards her need for support in this time that was obviously so difficult for her. ::)
He told her he was leaving me for her, and that he just needed some time to get some financial things together.
Prior to this whole thing, my father was going to gift us half the family business. Hmm, that couldn't be the "financial things," could it?? It should have happened this month. Needless to say, I put a halt to that when I realized he was cheating and we were going to get a divorce.
This woman is crazy in love with my husband, and he says he doesn't want anything to do with her, at least to me.
But he has been a liar ever since I met him, and he has been playing us both (myself and the other woman) this whole time.
Today my sister emailed this woman and told her every negative thing about my husband, including a single instance of physical abuse two years ago, numerous instances of verbal abuse, temper tantrums, drinking problems, you name it.
The woman called my husband this morning and told him she hated him. He was unhappy the letter came from my sister, but didn't seem overly bothered that the woman was out of the picture (if that is even the case, how can I believe him?).
I love my husband, but he is bad for me. I wish I could be with the GOOD side of him, the side that tried to make me happy and told me the sweetest, most tender things that made me feel good about myself. Then I remember that he showed this side to another woman, for six months, and would have left me if I hadn't left him.
Now he wants me back because after 5 years, he has finally figured out all the nice things I did for him, and realized that a bunch of material items aren't what I want- I want to be loved and be happy and have kids with a man who I am proud of.
Valentine's day is coming up, and I want to be with him. But I know I shouldn't. But I can't stand the thought that he might decide to be with her rather than be alone.
I can't stay with him, but I can't let him go. It has only been a month since the start of this mess. I want it to be over, and to be happy again, with someone I can trust.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't found out about the flowers. I was so trusting, I could have gone on without know forever perhaps. I'd already ignored obvious signs for 6 months, like a massive drop in sexual activity between us, new sex moves he came up with out of nowhere, condoms in his shower kit ("Wow, I'm glad he thinks to be so careful- you never know when we might need one!"), several long trips out of town in recent months, among other things.
*sigh*
Can anyone tell me anything (other than the obvious, that he is a jerk) that will make me feel better? Or help me let him go? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of making hard decisions. I miss my house and my husband. I am going crazy because I can't trust him- this post doesn't even show the tip of the iceberg as far as his lies and possible instances of cheating, according to friends who were remaining quiet until now.
Please help me.
Spectrum.
Re:I'm in over my head...... wolly1234: There are many decent men out there, who have been treated by woman like you have been treated by him.(Me for instance) Find someone who will respect you. I know they say a marriage can suvive infidelity. but I think it is RARE. Being a lonely man, right now, I know I would love to find a woman who had been through what you have. BEcause we would both understand how bad that hurts enough to realize that we don't want to put th eother person through it, anymore than we want to go through it again ourselves. GUys like us are out there, I am coming to realize. I large numbers.
Re:I'm in over my head...... Spectrum: Even if I tried, this marriage couldn't survive.
I could barely believe what my husband told me before this whole mess.... Now I believe virtually nothing. Or, even worse, I believe everything, but I have to second-guess myself.
I know there are men out there who can handle the unique qualities of strong, intelligent women, and won't be threatened by it.
I have to believe that I can have a better future without him than with him. It is the immediate future, which I know will be tough, that makes the comforts of home and husband so tempting.
Spectrum.
