Re: Why Now? frontier74: It sounds like your ex didn't provide you with many good reasons for ending the marriage. I think this might have something to do with your current situation -- I know I sure struggled with this. How can you know that it's not going to happen again, when you're not sure what caused the failure of your last relationship?
You might want to spend some time figuring out what went wrong. He won't be there to give you the answers, so you'll need to use other resources. Try reading a few books on relationships and also make good use of these message boards. Many people here have gone through the same things as you, and many of them might have pieces to your particular puzzle. But, most importantly, you must be willing to own up to your own mistakes and failures.
Heres a few of the questions I asked myself:
She must have had needs that weren't being met. What were they?
Were her needs reasonable?
Why couldn't I or wouldn't I meet them?
What were my needs?
Were they being met?
Why might she have been unwilling or unable to meet them?
What am I really looking for in a mate?
How can I best find what I'm looking for?
How can I be a mate that someone would want to hold on to?
I'm sure you can think of quite a few yourself, but my point is, you can really only change yourself. Maybe you can't change who you are at the core, but you can change your perspective and how you relate to others.
If you know where you're going, why you're going, and what to do when you get there, it will be a much less frightening journey.
Re: Why Now? bamboo: [quote"> Everything happened so quickly. I feel like I was never given a say in the matter. [/quote">
It seems like you are just now at the point where everything is "hitting" you. You said everything happened so quickly, so you probably didn't have a chance to process what was going on. Now that you have had no contact and the divorce is final, all your emotions and feelings are coming to the surface.
Your ex probably has a much different healing timeline. He is the one who wanted out of the marriage so he has probably been thinking, processing, and essentially beginning to heal much before you even knew there was a serious problem.
I agree that you are grieving, and you should just let it happen. Give your soul this time it needs to mourn the loss of your marriage. You will heal naturally on your own personal timeline. Its great that you already have a support system in place, just lean on them (and us) when you feel the need.
Re: Why Now? Suddenly Single: I can relate to your timeline.
In 2004 - January/February ex tells me he is unhappy and I try for the next few months to work it out. In March I found out he was cheating and by end of June we are divorced.
I think when it ended that quick it left me with the feeling of WTF??!! I didn't have time to process a lot of things and I think I was in some serious shock and denial for a good part of it. It was hard but I can tell you that it is normal to feel how you do. I didn't want to go back with him either.,...but you still experience a loss and still have to mourn that.
You will continue to have up days and down days and that is all normal. We will be here for you. That was the greatest solice I found in this site was that what I was going through was normal and I was not "weird" or anything for what I was feeling.
Welcome to Ojar. Great place and great people.
HUGS to you....SS
Re: Why Now? AloneandCold: Maybe you are having a harder time now because your mind has progressed passed the denial and shock of the breakup of your marriage. You may be to a point now where your mind can ask all the questions an allow you to grieve. That is what it sounds like you are doing, grieving. Let yourself grieve. It is part of the healing process and in the end will help you. If it gets to the point where you cannot function in daily life I would talk to someone (therapist). Otherwise I think it is natural, even six months down the road. We all have our own time lines. I hope you are doing a little better. HUGS!
Bug
Re: Why Now? NHGIRL: Thank you for all your support.
teacherwriterguy - you hit the nail right on the head. Now that the divorce is finalized, the house is sold, I have moved all my stuff and settled into my new place and trying to begin my new life. The business aspect is all done.
Now I just feel lost. There is no lawyer to stay in contact with, no real estate agent to talk with re: the selling of the house. I complained about all of those things while they were happening, but the truth is they kept me busy and helped to keep my mind off of things.
I guess I knew that this phase would come sooner or later. I kept telling my therapist that. I felt as if everything would hit me all at once. And now I feel like it has. Everything is starting to surface for me for the first time. I went through the entire process, but now I can't stop looking back at everything. And the bottom line is there is nothing I can do now, what's done is done. It is all in the past and I know I have to look to the future. It is just so hard. Thanks for your support. I feel better just talking about this. I have a great support system of friends, but no one that has actually been through a divorce.
