S.O.S. same old................story :-) 1 of 2 lightwaveryder: S.O.S. same old..........story ;-)
hi. im new here. my good friend google lead the way.
im 34, M, soon to be divorced. (not by choice"> and we have
2 children, of which she wants full custody with me visiting
whenever i wish.
my story is so similar to so many others,skip it if you want to.
it's the old, 'the love is gone, been gone, too long' thing, i have
queried her very closely about 'is this about someone else', it is not.
My STBXwife is a wonderful person, the nicest kindest person i have
ever known. her capacity for being a good strong friend and mother
are unsurpassed. most of the issues leading up to divorce are my fault,
i have extreme issues of anger, rages really. i have never struck her, or
threatened to strike her, its mostly self oriented violence, or violence
against inanimate objects like walls. I am untrusting of others, probably
becuase my own father left my mother at some murky point in my past
that i was too young to remember. I constantly would ask if she was with
other people when she was out of town working, and it tore at her. I would
say negative things about my life, about our life together. i never attacked
her character, just things like oh woe is me, life is terrible blah blah.
(she has both struck me and attacked my character, but this behavior
would not have happened if she hadn't met me, im certain of it.)
I never cheated, she never cheated, we had been to marriage counseling
before we married, which was a good idea, and I had tried things
in our marriage to get my behavior under control, went on anti depressants
and other such things, didnt control the anger/depression. her work
requires her to be out of town quite a bit. flash forward to pre-christmas of
this year, and i break down in my own head. i had an angry moment, it
got out of control (she was not around"> I make the leap that my behavior
is no longer acceptable to my own self, and the inability to control
my rages ...vanishes. just like that. 34 years of being unreasonably angry
gone in seconds. its like a cloud was lifted, a cloud that zoloft coudl never
touch. i resolve to quit drinking alcohol ( i was a beer drinker, not getting
drunk all the time, but drinking beer every day) and since then I have
had clarity of thought, vision, like never before. when i breathe i feel
the air all the way into my toes.
we had argued terribly for 2 years, i thought our arguments were
always about money problems and parenting problems, but really
they were arguments motivated by my ego, my selfishness.
she had told me repeatedly that the arguing and the anger were poisoning
her environment, i heard the words, i tried to do the work, i tried everything,
everything, nothing would end the things poisoning her environment.
(until that breakdown thing that occured too late">
our arguments in the fall of this year always ended in us deciding
to split up, get a divorce. then the reconcialiation, or temporary reconciliation
i'll call it , would happen and we would press forward .
on new years day, i told her that the dark days were behind us, i was cured,
the romance she needed would be coming back, all would be well from this point
forward. she accepted, and replied that she would work on it.
two weeks later, i come home from work to have a romantic moment
with her while the little ones weren't home, and she says she is not
happy, hasnt been happy for some two years now, and that the
agreement to work on things isn't working for her. she asks for seperation
and the ability to date others, we have some tumultuous situations around that. i agree to stay in the house with her and them, so their routines don't have to change and after some 3 weeks of this, i break down again and ask her , in fact beg like a pathetic puppy for her to please not do this. she calls me at work the next day and says we are getting a divorce, she has an appointment on monday with an advisory service and there is no real chance of discussion about it. she is not angry or short with me, calm. cool.
she told me that even though i may be cured of the anger, and ready
to be the husband to her that i needed to be all along, she will give me
no more time.
this post has gone on longer than i intended, i guess the heart takes over
and things happen. I am still in love with her, as much if not more than i was
when we married. she tells me she still has love for me, but its not romantic
marriage type love, and we will always be close friends and parents together.
she also said, if i really loved her like i say i do, i should let her go, and if true love does exist, and we had it, we will be together again no matter what else happens. (this is the only positive thing she has said about it"> ************continued
Re:S.O.S. same old................story :-) 1 of 2 lightwaveryder: part 2
i guess the only real question i have to pose to anyone who has read
this whole thing is, my pain is so intense, i collapse and cry sometimes
when no one is around, i feel a need to leave town (becuase of a business
oppty in another state"> but the children, what to do about the children??
both she and i came from divorce, both she and i promised we would never
marry if we were to divorce, both she and I swore our children wouldn't
go through that pain of identity crisis. Now she says, i didn't get into this
with the intention it would end this way, but it is nevertheless. she has
completely reversed her decision on divorce. is that normal ?
it feels pathetic to say this,especially to a chat room full of strangers, but i think about ending it all , pretty much every day. I know that it would be the ultimate let down to my children, and my family but this pain is so all consuming, dealing with it seems impossible. I picture my son's face as someone tries to explain to him that his daddy is gone, and that alone keeps me from acting out on these fantasies. his shining face. nothing else can touch this pain except the thought of it transferring to him.
this site is a godsend, there is nowhere else I have found on the
net since looking ,where people can open up and not get blasted by
others. all of you should remember that you are doing the work that
the creator of the universe wishes you to do, that of helping another
to cope with things they can't cope with.
i will leave off typing for now, if anyone wishes to reply, go ahead.
if anyone wants to email me, its damon@interwrx.com
be one with the light.
lightwaveryder
Re:S.O.S. same old................story :-) 1 of 2 Spectrum: LWR,
Reading your story is like getting an insight into my STBX's mind (except that you didn't cheat to fill your void- you managed to figure things our on your own).
The last five years I wished my STBX would have the same epiphany that you had recently. It seemed like so much of his life (and my life, for that matter) was wasted in dealing with his inappropriate anger over many things.
You should be proud that you have managed to get your anger and decision-making skills under control. You will be a better person for it. And though it may not seem so right now, you will eventually be happier for it.
Hang in there!
Spectrum.
Re:S.O.S. same old................story :-) 1 of 2 EZ: welcome Light, and may peace be with you my friend
it may feel pathetic but it is not, i know those same feelings of "ending it all" but i thought about the example that i would set for my son, when life gets unbearable just quit.
and i could not leave that kind of example.
there were aparent clauses in our marriage vows that i was not aware of till death do us part.... sub paragraph b or untill one of us are just not happy anymore. to love and honor, or untill someone better comes along.
sorry still a little POd about that
those are her choices and mine are to live a life through love, compasion and understanding.
am i perfect, NO.
you have made some great choices in life, do not let her tell you those are all too late. those choices are yours and you will be the better person for that.
it would have been so much better for me mentaly to have left town and returned to my roots, but i too thought about my son and what all i would be missing.
sorry for my rambling no helpful words here, but i do remember all to well the tears and the days when i just layed in bed and cried all day.
stay on the path to light my friend, thats all i can tell you, and it will get better.
peace and love to you my brother
S.O.S. same old................story :-) 1 of 2 ChristyM: LWR-
Sorry you are going through this. I remember well those first days where you just can't imagine ever being happy again. It seems like just getting through the hours, never mind the days is the hardest thing. If it's any help, I was a mess and I can look back now (4 mos. later) and hardly remember some of those days. It was pretty bad but time has a way of working its magic.
This might be hard to hear, but the best thing you can do right now is give her space. Let her start to feel the consequences of her decision. I especially like the "we will be close friends" thing. I think 99% of us have heard that from our ex. It just shows how they don't understand the true pain they are putting their spouse through. They want to remain friends because they get the both of best worlds - a chance to start over with someone else but yet still keep the security and comfort (to an extent) of what they had. With a little time and limited communication from you (only about the kids), she might realize that this isn't the best decision. I can guarantee that begging and pleading will get you nowhere. Picking yourself up and finding the will to go on is what will end up working for you. I've read a book "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" and it was a godsend. Unfortunately, when our partner wants to leave and turn their back on everything we've built, our first instinct is to try and make it better and convince them they're wrong. It doesn't help b/c she's had time to think about it and obviously feels like this is the best decision. In a way, she is right that if it truly is a strong love in a marriage worth saving, then she will feel and realize that and she will be back asking for another chance.
Just remember, (without knowing what state you're in) you have some time on your side. Most states don't allow for quickie divorces anymore. I know here in Indiana we had a mandatory 60 day period after we filed before we could move toward finalizing anything. This time will give you both time to breathe and think about things. Hope this helped.
Christy
*Please confide in someone close to you so you can have someone that will check up on you and just help you when you feel you can't go on.
