How to meet men when you're shy
I'm not sure the bar scene would be the best bet for me, since a major problem with my ex was his partying, and the chances are that guys in a bar are the type to regularly be there.
I like the idea that someone posted about doing the activities I like, and that would lead to meeting people with similar interests, but being shy, I'm not sure I can get up the courage to venture it alone. And all of my friends are married with children, so have little time to spend with me. My one single girlfriend is incredibly beautiful, so I'm not about to go guy hunting with her.
I'm not religious, so meeting a guy in church wouldn't be my thing, either.
I looked around online, and didn't see anyone with the same interests as me, although I might give it another shot.
I guess this is a very negative post. Any ideas would be appreciated. Maybe I should go to a bar. If I get a few drinks in me, my shyness disappears. But then I get sleepy...
Re: How to meet men when you're shy frontier74: Getting over shyness is tough, but it's something that you will have to do, at least to a point, in order to meet new people.
It takes awhile, but you can make it better. Being shy isn't a bad thing. Many people are shy, to varying degrees. Being shy is simply a part of your personality. Shyness becomes bad when it's so pronounced that it becomes crippling. Don't worry about trying to be the person who always has something to say, in every situation. The easiest way to make it better is to only focus on getting a little better, a little at a time. Here are some of the things that I did to get over my shyness.
The most important thing to do is to start working on the doubt that leads to shyness. If you pay attention to your own thoughts, you'll probably notice that there's a lot of negative stuff going on up there. Every thought seems to get run through a filter. The filter is there to protect you -- make you think twice in dangerous situations. With shy people, the filter is often overprotective. It starts flagging simple human interactions, or other completely harmless things, as dangerous. This causes you to go into panic mode whenever you are faced with the prospect of participating in a conversation with a stranger.
The first step is to really convince yourself that there is nothing to fear from simply talking to another human being. Don't let your imagination get the better of you. When you start to think of all the negative things that could happen, just tell yourself that you are being ridiculous and stop. The more you do this, the easier it is to see when you're being negative and stop it from happening. Eventually the process will become automatic. You might not be able to stop all of them, but you'll be just fine if you can stop most of them.
A good way to get started building your human interaction skills is to just keep your head up. By this I mean, start looking people in the eyes. Don't stare at them, just make eye contact, smile, and then let your attention drift to something or someone else.
Once you're comfortable with that, add a greeting -- simple things like, "hello," "good morning," or "how are you?"
Next, start small conversations, where you know there will be a time limit. Ask a cashier how his day is going. Tell the bank teller that you like his tie, and ask him where he bought it. These people are being paid to be nice to you, they make perfect practice partners. :P
After you've mastered that, move onto doing the same thing with strangers, like the woman standing behind you in line at the grocery store, the guy browsing the shelves in the bookstore, or even the guy staring longingly at you from across the room (but only if you think he's cute).
Re: How to meet men when you're shy alonewith2: Frontier74, you have made some really good points and steps to take. I am shy myself. I have used this board also to help me overcome my shyness. Of course it is easier to do when hiding behind a computer screen, but it has helped me to not only interact, but to see how others easily interact as well.
In real life we don't have the edit feature to be able to erase or change anything we say or do. So it is overwhelming and pressure-filled to interact and not make a fool of yourself. I usually am able to "come out of my shell" after warming up to people.
Re: How to meet men when you're shy frontier74: I always had nearly as much trouble with online stuff (email, chat, etc.), as I did with "in person" communication. Even things that I'd say anonymously would get overanalyzed, to the point that it became too much stress to even bother. I was constantly worried about how the things I was writing would be received by others.
Thankfully, I finally realized that all of the harm and negative feelings were coming from my overanalyzing, not from anything that anyone else was doing or saying. The only thing that was making communication difficult was all of my negative speculation about others' feelings. So, I stopped speculating. I just remind myself that it's impossible to know what's going on in someone else's head, and frankly, it's none of my business anyway.
Re: How to meet men when you're shy alonewith2: You are so right, once again!! I am too over analytical. Even though it helps me in my job, it's not a good trait to have when it comes to personal relationships.
My STBX would always get frustrated with me because I would analyze everything he said......and even what he didn't say. For me, sometimes the "lack" of something being said holds more meaning. I can see where it frustrated him to no end, and he would always say that is why he never liked discussing things with me. He said that he couldn't compete with my "skills". I don't think my "skills" were good things. Even though I was usually right with my perceptions, it would have been a lot easier to not over analyze every word that was said or not said.
You are right. It is something that we have to understand and make a conscious effort to not do. Then hopefully we will learn to keep not doing it!!