I'm going to look at it this way... pflow3000: When I was with her....
I gave up my career to further hers...
I lost most of my friends as I entered a new phase as a stay at home dad...
I grew accustomed to being cursed at on a daily basis...
I grew accustomed to being to blame for anything that went wrong...
I had to listen to her complaints every day...never a positive moment...
I had to be civil when her family visited despite their arguing and talking about one another...
I had to listen to her talk about and curse about my sister, my cousins, my aunts and uncles and worst of all my mother...
I had to listen to her as she belittled our children...
I had to do everything at home while she took the credit for the home when company came to visit while we both knew that all she ever did was sleep when she was home...
I had to be the one to explain to teachers and others why MOM never attended school events or other activities...
I had to go four years of eating one meal a day during the school year because she said the food was hers because she made the money...
I had to go through most of our years together with the same clothes I had when I met her those many years ago because there was never any money for me...
I had to take it when she would never do anything with us as a family but when her friends came calling she was never too tired...
And then there's me.....
Many changes have been made...
I no longer curse, or drink, I have lost 65 lbs. in six months (though many of those were due to stress...unhealthy...and I didn't know I had gained weight!) I was able to take care of my kids (and they all wanted to live with me but the two older ones being hers before had to stay with her), and I've discovered that I'm worth more. I don't have to compromise who I am to please anyone else.
I'm better off.
So my question is...although it will be hard...isn't it better go our separate ways than to hang on to a miserable relationship? I know what the answer is for me now.
Re: I'm going to look at it this way... manda: I think the list you made is a very good idea. Hope you don't mind if I put my own list here. I NEED to do this. Trying not to WISH HIM BACK HOME.
When I was with him (using your format, Flow. I like the "I"s instead of saying "She/He". Proves that we do have some ownership of the problems):
I lost my friends when I no longer had time for them. Any I met later, I never had time for either.
I allowed him to intimidate me and made choices based on fear.
I allowed him to make purchases that my gut said were not good for our finances.
I never spoke up for the things I needed to buy.
I went to visit family without him and made excuses for him. (And church, son's games, school events...)
I never asked to watch anything on TV and just allowed him to decide.
I had to listen to bad language that made me uncomfortable. My son had to listen to it too.
I had to ride with him as he drove aggressively and cursed. My son had to have that as a model of driving, thus worrying me for when he drives (which is soon).
I had to ask my dad to save us financially. And when he did, I had to watch as my H made the same mistakes again.
Early in the marriage (and although it stopped it still clouds my memories) I had to endure his friends and parties that I never wanted, complete with too much alcohol and drugs. I had to stay in the back with my son until he fell asleep.
But the worst part was, I was lonely. I was lonely even when he was sitting next to me. He never asked me questions about myself. After 15 years, he would still forget that I don't eat peanuts in chocolate and would offer me some M&Ms with peanuts. (That was just a strange thing that bothered me.)
I had to accept very little physical contact and pushing away when I did try.
Okay, I'm drained now. I'll edit later to add the rest. Yuck. Why do I want him back?
Re: I'm going to look at it this way... pflow3000: Ok...I'm gonna add a fault of MINE to this list....
I have to live with the fact that I never truly learned what made her smile (or happy) in all our years....but I could see she was so happy (in the end of our relationship) when she would get dressed to go out with her frirends...they made her happy....
(in my case we split just before my birthday in January...in theory...we actually lived together until school let out so the kids would have at least one thing that was normal to them...believe me it was tough to see her in her new life all those months...and me outside looking in...
Re: I'm going to look at it this way... jadedangel: [color=navy"> The only thing I can really say ... is a quote a friend sent to me long ago ---
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
~ Margaret Mitchell[/color">
Re: I'm going to look at it this way... Lumpy: I love your perspective. Once you fully realize that it is over I think that this is the healthiest way to go. Hold on to the positive changes that are occuring in your life. Good luck flow. You're off to a great start.
