(sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice flowersdirtandgardengirl: the problem is this: at the beginning of the break up with my ex (almost 2 months ago) i felt SO much stronger than i have in the last few days.
i knew that his unhappiness was his own and that it had virtually nothing to do with me. i knew that we had an amazing thing going, that we had a great rapport, great chemistry, great sex and a whole lot of fun together. i knew that i was beautiful, talented and intelligent. i knew that i had a purpose in my life that compelled me to do things i was proud of and that, in turn, made me happy with myself no matter what life threw at me.
but now, things feel so different than that far off time. since then i have heard from too many mutual friends that he says nothing good about our relationship at all, that reports being happy for "at least the last year", that he knew "we were doomed from the beginning". this from the guy who fell all over himself for the first year of our relationship, who told me time and time again that this was his best, most precious thing?
and now, to add insult to insult to injury i have heard two pieces of information that have thrown me into a kind of tail spin. the first is that he's started sleeping with a woman (who has wanted to get her claws into him since day damn one) who is over ten years his senior and, while still very attractive, very, very messed up. she's in the middle of a messy divorce, has a few dui's, and is throwing herself into a crowd of poeple MUCH younger than herself trying to make up for something she feels she missed out on (THAT they certainly have in common). while this hurts, i guess it makes sense. sex is sex and lord knows guys aren't often picky. she's pretty enough but to me so messed up i can't see how it's worth it.
the second is so much worse. i was told that the other night he got pretty wasted, apparently nothing new for him in this new found life of freedom and bachelorhood. during this time he confessed having been in love with his ex-girlfriend (of six or more years past) the entire time. for one, that really smarts. just on its own. ouch. but for two, this girl is even MORE messed up than the one he's currently shagging. she has had (at least) 4 DUIs, she has spent time in jail for drunk driving, she is an anorexic, alcoholic super model who has been hospitalized for swallowing a toothbrush trying to make herself gag. sure, she may be gorgeous and tall, but she is flawed gigantically.
so if i know this, and i know that i am standing here on the sidelines, watching with my jaw open in shock and awe, watching this person transform from a considerate, kind, loving partner to frat boy on spring break who not only says mean things about the woman he once claimed he would love for always but seems to be hell bent on self-destructing (or something), why then do i feel so much sorrow NOW? when i should be dancing in the streets saying thank f---ing god i dodged THAT bullet?
if i know i have so much going for me, if i know that i am beautiful AND (relatively) unflawed, that i am intelligent and ambitious and capable and kind, why do i feel so invisble? how is it that he is able to just shrug off the memory of me SO rapidly? how could i have been THAT inconsequential?
WHY IS IT that i walked away thinking that he would, at least, take the good times for the good and try his luck in those far off greener pastures. why does he have to act SO hurtful? has anyone else done this before? is there a reason behind this behavior or does it really just mean i was a complete and total cad and that everything we said and did together over the last couple of years to build a life and a future was just a complete lie?
please, i need to hear some stories or some feed back or something. this has just gotten way too big for me...
Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice jt5639: Hey honey,
I am sorry you are going through this. I can't tell you what he's feelig or thinking as only he knows..but I know that even after the odd/different behavior my ex displayed at and after the end of our relationship, I know that he loved me while we were together and that it was important to him. Leavers (I'm assuming he left?) need to make sure their decision was right, and sometimes they have to play up the not so good parts of the relationship and their exes to elliviate guilt, or to quiet any doubt. It's a post break-up tunnel vision. Those left behind often glorify their exes and the relationship - saying I can't believe he/she left - it was perfect...it takes awhile to gain perspective...I know, I've been there...
Regardless, you can see that he for some reason needs to participate in this self-destruction. You probably provided a lot of stability and normality, and love for him, and he's not "comfortable" with that. Maybe he's realized deep down that he fucked up and is saying things about his ex and stuff to make the loss not seem so big to himself...or maybe he knows people see taht he fucked up and he says those things "oh, it wasn't that important to me" to "save face" for screwing up? Who knows...but I doubt he is just "shrugging off the memories" easily...it's more self destruction...
But you are right...you deserve so much better...and you see that. You will be fine, but you need to take time to mourn something that was important to you...that's a step he's skipping...hang in there!
jt
Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice flowersdirtandgardengirl: i guess that's the other thing that's been nagging at the back of my mind: why have i waited until now, his most unglorious of moments, to glorify everything about him?
yes, he left. i think he thought there was "more" out there for him. maybe he just wanted someone more messed to feel better about himself in comparison. i know no one can tell me what he's thinking (and to be honest even if i could know, i'm not sure i'd choose to :-\), but i just needed/need to understand why this sudden shift in behavior. why the need to make it out to be something it really wasn't (i.e. a terrible relationship). not only does it hurt to learn of, but it makes me turn around and doubt everything as a consequence.
thanks for your advice. it was kind of exactly what i needed to hear. :)
Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice Targ: I'm sorry to hear your going through this, I wish letting go when someone's left wasn't so hard.
A lot of times after people leave a long relationship, they feel a need to seek out someone totally different from the person they've been with, someone who has nearly opposite traits...a sort of rebellion against what they had. In a way, the fact that he's seeing people who are unstable and have lots of issues may be a testament to the things you brought to your relationship with him. Without really knowing him or the details, it sounds like he may be hurting, but using denial and rebellion to try to take away the pain. I think it's likely he'll eventually recenter himself; the hard part will be to try to heal and move on while you watch him self destruct.
-Targ
Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice pflow3000: I'm soooo sorry that you are going through this...I wish situations like these didn't exist.
The crazy thing to me is that for all of us here (or at least most of the stories I've read in the last four days) our X's who left and cheated or whatever...did it with people who have ten million more problems than we do. They are going down a path that WE can see is horrible and will lead to nothing but trouble. Ten million reason why staying with us and our normal lives was so much smarter and so much better.
Yet. They chose to do what they did.
The problem (though we talked about all of us having some share of blame to an extent) is not really with us....it's with them. They are going down the path to self-destruction.
It's our job now to make sure we don't get destroyed along with them. Despite how much we want to...we are NOT their saviors. (a friend told me that one night when I kept mentioning how my X was destroying herself)
And I for one know (as everyone else here does too) that it's hard...almost seems impossible at times...to realize the truth of what has/is happening and to move forward. I fall to depression too often to say I'm over it. But...I know what the right direction is. Right now what we need is people to help us along the way. You WILL make it! You HAVE to for your own sake. It's not gonna be easy but it is NECESSARY.
That's my latest rambling! And you know what? Just typing these past few days has helped ME a whole lot!
Thanks everyone.
