why she had to leave ... Irony: OK gang, I've been on a mission to figure out why wife had to leave...
I had a wonderul IM session from a very insightful board member here ( who shall remain anonymous ;-) ) about what might be going through my runaway wife's head right now..
I feel that if I can understand more of her reasons for leaving, I can maybe understand how to win her back. If not, it certainly helped me to realize the complex dynamics that go through the minds of some of the wives who decide its time for the marriage to be over.
I've taken out the names here and just left the meat and potatoes. Hope this helps someone as much as it helped me.
Phil
"You are only responsible for what is in YOUR heart and mind and soul
You loved fully, and the right way
but making love requires loving
and at the moment you couldn't
and she wouldn't love back in way that would help
... she has obviously had issues her whole life..
she cheated before.. she needs the constant romance
she has some obvious self-esteem issues..she needs the reassurance that she is wanted - by more than one man
that has nothing to do with you
and it doesn't mean she didn't love you
her ex beat her and humiliated her for 23 years
she says she does love me but cant' live with me
says she loves having her ownplace and sleeping in her own bed
prolly why long distance romance we had worked so well before we got married
I'm sure she does - she has safety there.... feels independence
independence but attention
and the time you spend is intense
having cake and eating it too
I remember
I was 9 months long distance with my ex before I moved back home
You don't fight when you are together....it is all about being one hundred percent together
You seem like you read up on things, right?
have you read much on abused spouses? or children from homes of abuse?
a lot of what you say about her would tell me that about her - even if you hadn't.
in order to stay there - to some extent she had to be conditioned to believe she isn't really worthy of a real true love....
she would be seeking approval, she would be looking for the validation of romance....
validation of romance so when she said she didnt want romantic relationships
makes her feel like she is worthy - because someone can be so intense about it.
she was putting you off. she doesn't want to be in a permanent relationship, she wants the excitement of dating - of having people tell her how wonderful she is - of having people want her.
it isn't intentionally cruel but she knows she's got you. so if you were to make yourself unavailable, it would last until she had you again.
she craves continual validation of worth but it will never make her satisfied...
You KNOW what real love is. You know how satisfying giving your real full self and getting it back can be.
until she is satisfied with herself, she never will know.
she looks for mutual ego masturbation...that is best served from someone new who doesn't know her real self yet, because once they do - she won't believe it anymore.
once they know her imperfections, she won't trust that they still love her.
and if you do move on, make yourself unavailable...she will want your adoration back, but it will hurt her because... you DO know her.
you turning away will be a rejection of self. she is trying to push you away before you prove she is unworthy of your love.
Re: why she had to leave ... Irony: more...
missing an element...
it is missing what they do to feel better.
imagine you are used to abuse. you internalize it. part of you must just be wrong...because otherwise they would love you better, or because you would have left. there is guilt in staying, too.
so....you believe you are not good enough, not really...it hurts.
She finally left her abusive husband but it is still inside her.
So.. she feels not good enough. and this wonderful man comes along...the light shines in her eyes, and that light burns her.
so here she is - feeling so good in the glow of his love..first time, she feels so good in a long time. makes her feel perfect...makes her feel happy. the time you spend together - so intense
love making makes her feel complete - like he is filling the void she has had for so long.
now...time goes on...she reveals her weakness. all of it.
at the same time... he settles in for real loving. the acceptance,
the calming, the belief of forever.
so just as she is getting insecure about revealing herself...the romance is leaving..the part that filled the void...the part that said she was perfect.
she can't see the acceptance and love that is taking its place because she has none for herself. that is the hole she had had, the part that accepts imperfections
imperfections bred abuse, right?
so if you are imperfect - there can be no acceptance of herself.
if she wasn't perfect - she was punished, so as she shows you her imperfections.... she can't believe you would accept her and still love her.
and as she does... the intensity IS going away so it is like being punished by not being perfect. and she knows she isn't.
-------------
(a poem I wrote to wife before we got married.. how prophetic)
Perfection
When I say you feel perfect
It is exactly because you are not.
If you were perfect
Then we both would have run away.
We are though, so perfect together
Complete, although already so.
pjm
-----------------
showing you her imperfections now - you show her acceptance and true love - things she can't feel - but STOP with the 'Perfection of love"
you stopped with the intense romance (because you really couldn't ever sustain that - healthy lovers know that)
you stopped BEING perfect...
hard to be romantic when you follow someone into the bathroom when they have been there for awhile, if you know what I mean.
what she really NEEDS... is to love and accept her own imperfections...something you can't give her with all the love in the world.
but what she FEELS she needs...is independence - so she can prove she is ok...and the reflected love of a million eyes...people who don't know her imperfections, who aren't close enough to her to see them all
yes... she needs to know she is ok
and to be honest... that is actually something she could probably use.
And when she gets healthier, she will realize with intense sadness what she threw away.
then she will be forever lonely, never knowing what you do about real love
and it may help her, she has seen a taste of real love... sometimes that is enough.
She doesn't know what she is doing - she can't see it from the inside
recognize her as a separate person, and not her as an attack on you or your love
LITTLE WING
When I’m sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles, she gives to me free
It’s alright she says it’s alright
Take anything you want from me, anything
Anything.
Jimi Hendrix ;)
God! That's her.. she turned me onto those lyrics when we were still dating..
it gave me pause to believe on some level that that song was about her.
Re: why she had to leave ... Irony: I took a walk downtown and thought about the above.. the more I think of it, the more it all seems to ring true.
I feel so much freer since getting this insight and _______ , I thank you again for a tough look at my situation.
I truly DO love her IN SPITE of her imperfections.
Re: why she had to leave ... Falcon554:
"I truly DO love her IN SPITE of her imperfections."
Amen I know how you feel. My wife is wack in more ways then one lol, thats part of her charm. Much more wack now then she use to be but I still love her.
Re: why she had to leave ... Irony: yes.. in SPITE of them..
I can't be her fixer here and am having a hard time today thinking I can muster all the king's horses and all the king's men....or even if I wanted to at this point. ???
