Is there ANY chance left with indecisive husband?
Is there ANY chance left with indecisive husband? kikim: My husband and I have been married for two years, he is a fun guy who showed me a lot of love during our relationship. He always claimed he was "happy" but I saw a side lurking within him that he repressed-- for example, he did not deal with his dad's death, his cancer, 9/11, etc. and tended to self-medicate by drinking.
We were as close as he would allow us to be, which at times was absolute, and times, more withdrawn. In the past few months, he has spent more nights vegging in front of sports on tv, and not communicating. I finally got him to agree to go to a counselor with me, but the second the counselor started asking him questions about himself, he clammed up. Shortly thereafter he took me by complete surprise by asking for a divorce.
He had a multitude of reasons, the main one being that he thought he married me for the "wrong reasons" and never really loved me. Interesting, because this is what he said about his first marriage (which lasted 3 years). To me, this seems incredulous-- I knew about his history before marrying him and asked him time and again if he was ready, and never once pressured him.
At any rate, he has been living between a hotel and his sister's for the last month now. We have seen each other about once a week for brief periods, then I started contacting him more and reminding him about all the good times we shared. He could not deny this, and when I asked him if my efforts were making him feel pressured, he said it was my very efforts that were making him feel like we have a chance. Of course, him encouraging my "efforts" was all I needed to hear to pull out all stops, and last Wed. night, we went out for drinks, and I seduced him.
Although he was mad about that (it somehow messed up the "lines" he was trying to draw) he agreed to come over yesterday for lunch. He was over for a total of 4 hours as we had dinner and watched football. During this time, I paid a lot of attention to him (rubbing his feet, giving him kisses) and although it was clear he was enjoying himself, he was careful not to reciprocate. By the evening's end, when I asked, he said he still needed more time and headed back to the hotel.
I called him that night and said goodnight, he called me sweetie and thanked me for the evening. This morning, feeling like perhaps we made some progress, I sent him an email inviting him to move into the spare bedroom, all the while acknowledging his need to still think about things. He sends me an email back that he is afraid he is giving me false hope, that he has only gone out with me to be nice to me because he was worried about my feelings and that now he has to think about himself (after previously encouraging my efforts!).
Considering I spent yesterday rubbing his feet and cooking him dinner (something we typically did together) it is pretty clear he was not thinking about my feelings at all, I am not sure why he allowed me to do those things. He also noted he was having a miserable time in his hotel room and he needed to "get this life together." (personally, I think this is the reason for his unhappiness-- we moved from NYC to a suburb in the middle of nowhere last year an still have made few friends here). I followed up his email with a phone call and he repeated his "not sure whether I loved you" nonsense, to which I asked if he was really such a sociopath that he would take not one but two women in their prime and marry them for his own selfish reasons without regard for them (whatever those may be, he has not been able to articulate them).
Of course, I stumped him again. I asked him again to come to counseling with me (he had previously refused) for the sheer sake of making me understand his actions, he relented a bit and said he would think about it. I then hung up the phone and became really angry about how he was leading me on then pulling back, so I called him and said "It's clear you have made a decision, come pick up your things."
He stuttered and said it was not "definite" and that was the end of the conversation. What am I dealing with here? If I stop participating in his pity party and play hardballl is he going to come back? (I should add that a few months after we first started dating, he pulled this same sort of thing for a month, but came back after I told him I wanted to break up, and professed his love for me).
I am not sure if it is different this time because he has taken such serious actions (mentioning divorce, moving out). I understand he has been a jerk, and please don't tell me to drop the loser. My goal is to get him back and then somehow get him to agree to counseling, even if it involves game playing. At minimum he is depressed, my shrink even suggested to me he may be bipolar. If I could get him back and get him to get help for himself, I think it could have a chance. Should I insist on the counseling or play the ignore game??
Frazzled Nomad: ooh yeah he's depressed all right. it's got nothing to do with you, you sound great. he needs to help himself first and foremost. i am sure that moving around and the other factors you have mentioned contribute to his depression, he just can't see that now all he sees is the relationship which is the easiest thing to throw away. if he breaks up with you, he's just going to do it again to someone else.
check out www.depressionfallout.com, there's a real good message board there for people dealing with depressed partners.
kikim: Thanks, you are right he does fit square within the guidelines on that website for depression. In the rare moments he seems to open up, I've mentioned the possibility of seeing someone to him, and he actually said once he worries that if he delves too deeply into those dark corners of his mind, he will fall apart. But most of the time, he simply denies there is any problem with him at all, and chalks it up to another marriage "mistake" he made at a time when he was "confused." If I bring him to therapy it will be done so begrudgingly-- can a good therapist get beyond this, or does it really need to be on his own volition?
I think he both fears and needs me because on some level he knows I am the only one who really sees his pain beyond the charming facade. His own mom and family are either too afraid to say anything to him, or think it won't do any good, so I am in this alone. I hate to feel like I am making excuses for why my husband says he doesn't love me, but I don't feel like I could have been completely duped or that he was that great of an actor to be pretending this entire time...If this is the case where he is depressed, what would someone in this state respond to? Clearly love was not enough.
Lost-and-alone: I am going through almost the exact same thing. Any hint of him saying he thinks he might be feeling better and I pull out all the stops and work my butt off. But then I find out he has been hiding a relationship with an ex-friend of mine - may or may not be an affair, but even if it's not, he is hiding it from me. This after he said he's "running away from relationships, not towards a relationship". This is killing me, as at the same time, he is sounding encouraging about us. Says it's too soon to make any promises, as he is just beginning to "recover". I can hang on if I know there's hope, but cannot deal with the hiding of this relationship. This has been the hardest thing I've had to face yet...I wish I had some answers for you. I want mine back too, I just know he needs help, though I don't really think he sees it - blames me for everything.
Irony: [quote author=Lost-and-alone link=topic=21635.msg202414#msg202414 date=1132042450">
This after he said he's "running away from relationships, not towards a relationship".
Gee.. my stbxw used almost the exact same words when she told me she wanted a divorce.
Sounds like a brush off to me... or just an open door to let in a new guy.
This is all so fricking confusing, isn't it?
I want her to want to come home....maybe.