Difficulty adjusting to aloneness TaoChick: Hi All, I’m new here, but I’ve been reading posts for a while, and this has been very helpful. But now I feel like I need more direct advice/thoughts/experiences. My divorce has been legally official for several months, but the marriage had been dead for well over a year before that. I thought that I had grieved the loss of him during the long time when our marriage grinded to a halt. And I still don’t miss him, per se. But I’m finding now that I overwhelmingly miss the lifestyle of being married. Granted, much of my marriage, especially towards the end, was terrible. But when we did get along and we had a felt connection, those times were great. It’s that connection, the opportunity to share my life with someone and to partake in another’s life, the opportunity to feel important to someone else and for that person to be important to me, that I miss most of all. I’m prone to thinking in extremes. Yet even with that awareness, I can’t help but think that I may be doomed to spending my life alone. I desperately want to fill the void in my life that he left, but at the same time, I think it’s not right to want this. My mind says that I want (or should want?) to be alone, that I need to be alone for some time to figure myself out and to shape my life into what I’ve always wanted it to be. But my heart feels lonely and would do anything to not feel this way. In short, I feel torn in two directions. I just wish my feelings would align with my thoughts so that I’d embrace this solitude rather than feeling, at times, tortured by it. I was just wondering if anyone here can relate to these thoughts and feelings and/or what you’ve done or focused on thought-wise to work through this period in order to be okay with being alone.
Re: Difficulty adjusting to aloneness lilly10: Hi Taochick,
First I want to say welcome to Ojar!
I can relate to this feeling all to well. Sometimes I feel so excited that I get to live my life any way I want and do whatever I want. As excited as this is I still feel so lonely and not quite sure what to do next. I miss the feeling of being loved and having my best friend to come home to. I guess I just miss everything :(.
Taochick I too feel that I may be destined to live the rest of my life alone. I hope that is just part of this process to have this insecurity. We must be positive though and believe that this is not the case at all. Just takes time to heal and adapt to our new lifes.
Re: Difficulty adjusting to aloneness Gabo: Well… I’ve been alone a lot of times in my life (no brothers or sisters and both my parents worked all the time), travelled by myself, moved to another country by myself…
So I really know the feeling of loneliness. Now almost 2 months after my fiancé (well not official fiancé but we were planning to get married next year) cheated and left me for OM (other man) and being single again I have the lonely feelings again.
My guess is that you have to feel good with yourself and then try to start a relationship. Of course you’ll always want love and be loved, but the fact that you can be by yourself while this happens is what makes you keep moving (at least for me)
I don’t think that we are destined to be alone. But I definitely think that finding another partner in life is not easy and will take a while. I’m trying to meet new people and go to different places in order to open my social horizons.
Well… summarizing: Try to feel ok with yourself in order that you can find a suitable partner afterwards (it will take time but it will happen if you don't shut yourself for that chance)
Re: Difficulty adjusting to aloneness BONILLAK: I can relate to your feelings but with 3 kids I don't get much of a chance to feel alone but I do miss not having a husband, having someone in bed with me, someone to shovel the snow, take out the garbage, carve the turkey and give me a break from the kids, fix broken things, etc. But I surely don't miss the silent treatment, the tension, the arguing, the kids feeling the tension, our teenager fueling the tension and having to answer to someone. I miss the days when he was my lover and my best friend but that was so long ago that I'm past mourning that loss. I am not destined to be alone, I will just like you will find someone else to share life with in due time. I am still amazed by how much my husband changed and how I was the only woman he ever has been with yet he found someone who caught his eye and ran off, ran from his kids too. You will find things to occupy your time and you will be ok.
Re: Difficulty adjusting to aloneness TaoChick: Thanks for sharing. I think I needed a reality check, and your posts helped thwart my gloom and doom thinking.
