12:01 Nov 27 and I'm crying like I've never cried before....... brandyrobin710: Today is my XBF birthday. He is 25 today. I miss him so much right now that I just want to die! I wanted to share every birthday with him. I wanted to spend every Thanksgiving and every Christmas with him. I never thought I would ever love anyone so deeply. I've loved before but never as much as I have loved this man. It's been a little over a month and I thought I was doing okay. It's funny how just when you think you have hit a good streak, you come crashing back down again. I don't know if any of you will truly understand what I'm getting ready to say but I could have been "in love" with this man for the rest of my life. I was good to him. He was good to me. What went wrong? I guess so many of us ask that question that posting a response would be redundant.
Yes, I know I will love again. Yes, I know that I will eventually be happy again. No, I will never love LIKE THIS again. It all sounds so depressing but I know in my heart that I won't. I will never love so openly because of this heartache. I will never love so freely. I will never love so unconditionally again. I just want to hurry and cry it all out so I can stop but it won't go away. All of these joyious memories. Why do I remember them while he erases them from all thought? How can you love someone so much and just turn it off like a light? I know he loved me. He can't deny it and he never denied it all the way up to the end. So, how? How can you not remember how in love we were last year on your birthday? How can you not remember how beautiful the holidays were for us last year? I just want answers from him and now he has moved back in with his XGF 25 miles away. I guess so he never has to see me. I guess so he never has to face me again. If I could just cast one spell (if I believed in it), I would just wish that he could be plagued with one day of memories of me. All I ever did was love him. All I ever wanted to do was be with him. He was all I ever wanted and he failed me. He failed himself. I want him to regret this so bad. I want to stop wishing for him to regret it. Then, I will truly know that I've moved on. I deserve all of this. I deserve it but I still hurt nonetheless. I hurt so much. Happy Birthday, Derek. I pray your birthday is filled with happiness and peace. I pray that you have one fleeting thought of me today. I pray you read the letter I wrote you on your birthday last year today. You remember. The one you always kept in your wallet.
Sorry folks, I just have to get things out sometimes. It's so hard without him. It's so hard looking at the place on the couch he used to sit. Now, it's empty just as I am inside.
Goodnight everyone. I hope everyone is having a better night than I am. I hope that tomorrow brings brighter things. I hope that every single night.
Brandy
Re: 12:01 Nov 27 and I'm crying like I've never cried before....... Findingmyself: I feel your pain brandy71.
I have much compassion for you.
Yet I probably have answers that will not make you feel any better.
It is up to you to decide how you feel. And what to do with the emotions involved with breaking up. At least that is the way I have perceived and dealt with my stuff lately.
I will say this though. How much you love again in another relationship is entirely up to you. There is risk involved in friendship and love. And we take those risks all of the time. I guess it is just a matter of when will you feel strong enough to overlook those risks to see the positive benefits of friendship or love.
Give it some thought.
Re: 12:01 Nov 27 and I'm crying like I've never cried before....... flowersdirtandgardengirl: Brandy,
If you and I lived in the same town (and I wasn't at work as I am almost every saturday night) I would come over straight away with several pints of Ben and Jerry's, some good chinese food, my favorite beer, a copy of Sliding Doors, several cheesey gossip magazines and some Valarian Root to knock you out if all else fails.
These are the worst, worst, worst of moments. Finding is right, there are no answers, at least not ones that will make us feel any better in the here and now. So, we break down in private, on ojar, to our friends and family, to ourselves (or, in my case, my poor cat) but we contain it, compartmentalize it, organize it, record it, process it and, hopefully, one day let it go.
Whether or not he remembers doesn't matter anymore. It's your memories that count. It's the story about this that you choose to tell that will ultimately define this in the end for you.
But until that day, know that, if I could, I'd be on your doorstep, with a grocery bag, a box of kleenex and fuzzy slippers just for nights like tonight.
love,
gg
Re: 12:01 Nov 27 and I'm crying like I've never cried before....... Whirlpool: I feel your pain. The sad thing is no matter how much you love someone else that has nothing to do with whether or not or how much they love you in return. And you WILL get over all of these feelings and love again and be loved. I tell myself there is a lucky woman out there waiting for me to love her the way she deserves to be loved, and she is going to love me back. I believe this and it will happen. My wife is the same way you describe, only after a 10 year marriage. She has erased all good memories from her brain and insists we never got along, were never compatible, etc etc etc. I wanted to say well if you thought that way you were the stupid one for sticking with it for 11 years!
It is normal for them to do this history revision, all he is going to think about is the bad, just as all you will think about is the good. Funny, before my wife left me all I was thinking about was the bad in our marriage and how unhappy I was. After she dropped the bomb I turned into a sobbing little baby not wanting her to go. Funny how that works.
Hang in there, let the pain run its course. It is a poison your body must purge on it's own through grief, sorrow, tears, and anger. It is all normal what you are feeling and it will go away. Remember yesterday is gone and tomorrow has yet to come, what do you want to do with today?
