Take care of YOU...HOW?? ataloss: There's a question I've been pondering over a lot lately, and it seems to tie in with a bunch of the newest posts. There seems to be a 'rash' of potential reconciliations out there lately; people's stbx's have had changes of hearts, etc, etc. I have recently found myself in the same boat. After almost 8 months of separation, my husband has 'seen the light' (his words, not mine) and thinks he wants to try things again. In most of the responses to others' posts, I've seen the same theme over and over again. "Take care of YOURSELF, take care of YOU during this time, have it be all about YOU."
My question is, how do you take care of yourself and try to figure out what it is that you STILL really want, in light of all the new information you've recently obtained?? It's so easy to just fall back into familiar patterns of damaging behavior when you really hope that things will all turn out ok. After all the months of suffering and struggling to find out 'who I am and what I need', I WANT to be the new stronger person I discovered inside myself...its just not so easy to STAY that way.
I never thought in a million years I'd even consider taking him back after all he's put me thru. But here I am--considering the unthinkable. Where did the 'new me' disappear to all of the sudden? How do I find her and make sure she stays around to make the right decisions? How do I take care of ME and still sort out all of these confusing and conflicting feelings?
Any help here would be GREATLY appreciated!!
Re: Take care of YOU...HOW?? justmenow: Very good questions with numerous answers based on who you are. Is he willing to try counseling with you? That's probably one of the best ways to get things on track. It might also prove how serious he is about "fixing things" truly and not just paying lip service.
It is extremely easy to slip back into old habits. When I was out with my X Monday night, I felt myself being sucked back down into that vortex of negativity from which I have been struggling to escape. I suppose we all just do the best we can and that's all we can do. Maybe write down what you have learned about yourself over the past eight months and carry it around if you have to. Remind yourself of what you decided was wrong before, what you are unwilling to compromise, what put you in the "bad" place and don't go there again. Again, in the end, only you can decide what's best for you.
I laud you for trying to save your marriage. Given the same situation, I would do it too (even after all the crap he's put me through) because I believe that much in the sanctity of marriage and my vows - even still, when I have less than 12 hours to remain married. I wish you all the luck in the world, really. I would love to read about someone's reconciliation working out for once. Keep us posted.
Re: Take care of YOU...HOW?? down2basics: We all applaud you for wanting to reconcile. The sanctity of marriage is sacred and if you truly want this man back, we all support you 1000%...
There are several BB's that refer to how to save your marriage and to reconcile your problems. One is called "Divorce Busters" the other is the "Relationship Resource". Both have extremely good advice for saving yourself and your marriage at the same time. They will both teach you how to take care of you, and in so doing, take care of your marriage.
Communication of course, is the TOP priority. You MUST communicate effectively. Counseling is also a given. You must work out and completely resolve all of the problems which put you here to start with.
My X hit me with a line he made up the other day...I wanted to smack him for it but it seems appropriate in your case, so I'll pass it on to you.
"If the marriage was worth having, it's worth saving. If it's not worth saving, it wasn't worth having."
While I don't believe it applies to me, if you are truly considering reconciliation...it does apply to you and I do wish you the absolute best!
God Bless you Always!
d2b
Re: Take care of YOU...HOW?? grober: ataloss,
justmenow and down2basics both had great responses. I just wanted to say figuring out what YOU want is VERY difficult when you're still so close to the relationship. Only in hindsight can I clearly see that the decisions I made were for the best. Sorry, nothing makes these decisions easy.
Given the length of your separation, how do you feel about renewing your relationship with him? You say you never thought you would consider reconciliation, why is that? While I was separated and moving toward divorce, I had to remind myself several times (even on the day we signed the papers) of why and how I arrived at the point where I wanted a divorce. My reasons were so compelling, after a few months of separation, reconciliation was no longer an option.
If you want to work things out, you should try. But, remember: it is WORK. Thearpy, improving communication skills and working out issues aren't easy. They take time and a great deal of effort. Him deciding he wants to come back shouldn't be enough. His actions and dedication to working on your relationship will show you that he is serious.
I wish the best for you.
Re: Take care of YOU...HOW?? ataloss: Thank you everyone for the support. It's a tough spot I'm in right now. I just pray that I'm making the right decision and that I don't end up back where I was when we split to begin with. That's the last thing I want.
Thanks in part to the support and help of a very good friend, I think I've come a long way in figuring out what it is that I want from my marriage. I don't want to go back to the way things were--I want a totally new marriage. I just hope that my husband can hold up his end of the bargain. I know its not going to be easy. I've already seen that it won't be. And we really haven't even begun to work on things yet at this point. We're both starting to ease back into each others lives. We'll just have to take it slow and see what happens.
The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out. But at least this time around, I will have been involved in making the decision to let things go. And if it's not meant to be, I think I'll be able to close the door on it for good. (Which was something that I obviously haven't been able to do.)
Again, thanks for all the help, advice, and support.
