My life's experience. bleedingheart: My wife and I have been best friends for 10 years, married for 3. We have 2 beautiful kids, a big house and our career was taking off. We were highschool sweethearts and we made a great team.
2 weeks ago she told me that she doesn't love me. Or more like she loves me but is not in love with me. I was crushed. Apparently, she realises this after a few sessions with a counsellor. We were teenage parents, we fought tooth and nail to get ourselves a good education and provide the best for our child. Turns out she's felt pressured from both side to stay together for our child's best interest. She did everything she thought a wife should do. She because the ideal mother, wife and daughter-in-law.
She feels that we should separate and become great parents and friends together and nothing more. She feels this because since there is no true love in our relationship, that one of us will cheat on each other. We were already growing distant prior to when she told me.
It's been a emotional rollercoaster ride for me, and i'm sure for her too. All these thoughts were going through my head trying to figure out what went wrong and what i could've/should've/would've done to avoid this in the first place. And then after two weeks I realised, nothing. All this time I probably feel the same way she did. I had become the ideal father, husband and son-in-law, but she will always be a best friend to me. I do care for her a lot, and i do probably love her, but at the same time not in love with her. I am still dealing with this feeling of loss. I will lose the house. I will lose the kids for 50% of the time. And i will lose a companion who I may or may not be comfortable being friends with once she is with someone else.
Now, we've been offered new jobs in the same city but not the one we are in now. She want's to remain friends and share the kids one week on and on week off. She want us to have "family" dates. I'm not sure if i am ready to just let go of all the great times we had together. I am trying to cope with this feeling of separation anxiety. It's tough. We still live together and she the same bed. I miss the caressing, spooning, holding we did as a couple. We do still talk about things. About the good times, and the bad. About the past, present and future. Things are moving very fast. I start my new job in a months time and she will probably start then too.
It's will be a new city, new life, and a unique arrangement with my stbx. It'll be scary. The thought of leaving the comforts of all my friends and family in the city i am in now. For now, we are trying to part ourselves. We still have sex on occasion, but it's difficult to get in the mood. My ego and pride has been crushed. It's probably for the best anyways. Maybe in a few day to a week, it'll be a physical need and not the need to wanting to connect emotionally. Once we are in a different city with separate houses, we will go our own way. For now, we have to keep up the appearance of a couple until the new year drifts by. We want our families to enjoy this holiday one final time. Until then, we'll make the best of it.
I tell you though... It hurts, and i think it always will. I will just have to learn to cope and move on. Reading other stories on this site has helped a lot. It's nice to know the possibilities that could come from this experience. I'll try my best to start over. Take time for myself and figure out what I want in life. To figure out who I am inside. Spend more time with my parents, kids and friends. I will learn to make new friends. I want to improve myself and become a better person. And most of all, enjoy the freedom.
I apologize. I know this was a long rant. but i just needed to get it out. Thank you for reading this.
Not so lost anymore,
TL
Re: My life's experience. sudboy: Sounds like you are taking this well. I went through a similar thing about two months ago myself. Hang in there and remember this is a process and not an event.
Sudboy
Re: My life's experience. bleedingheart: I've spent 2 weeks dragging my butt out of bed. Each day I'm trying just to get through my work day. Each day obsessing about it. After reading a lot of the similar problems on the message boards and talking to friends and family who know about it. I realised that this isn't my fault. I pleaded, begged, a tried to reason with my stbx over and over again and even argued with her <bad mistake>, and I got nothing.
It was 2 nights ago that we had a heart to heart. We both poured our hearts out. We talked about what happened and what would happen if we don't end it peacefully. We can either have a good separation or a nasty divorce in the end. We both can see what will happen with we remained the way it is. She was working 4 odd jobs, i have a good job, but i know it won't last long due to lack of work. We were unhappy. Unhappy with our relationship.
People keep telling me. God will only give you as much as you can handle. And that life goes on with or without you. Best thing to do is live life day by day with one foot ahead of the other. I've read about a lot of the bad post-separation stories. I won't want a bad post-separation. I want to love my kids and look forward to other experiences good and bad. Moping around the house or dragging my feet at work will only make things worst.
After our talk, i got closure. I am still hurting inside, but i will live. I plan to do some soul searching of myself. I will always love her, but it'll be an unconditional love as the mother of my children. Maybe i am able to cope is because i have faith.
I've been writing all my thought down into this book. It helps me gather my thought and straighten them out. I was told by my sister the take care of myself, not because for selfish reasons, but for the kids. Because the kids need me to and if I am unable to take care of myself, i will be unable to take care of my kids.
TL
Re: My life's experience. sudboy: Yep, that's true. Life is about more than just you when you have kids. You sound like a responsible person, so remember that your child needs you and if for no other reason than that right now you have to take care of yourself.
I know what you mean about dragging yourself out of bed and going to work. Also watch out for the weight loss. I lost about 45 lbs in six weeks so you have to force yourself to eat so you don't get really sick.
Keep up your journal and your faith and whatever else helps you. Remember that if you feel mad, sad, hurt, depressed or whatever, it's all OK. My friend told me that these feeling are normal. And that they will come and go. And that even when you think you're over it the feelings can still come back again. But that's okay too. This is a process.
Myself, I have turned to friends (and I do not have many true freinds), and reading everything I could get my hands on about self help and relationships and the like, and also I am seeing a counselor who I really feel comfortable talking with. But do whatever you need to help you make it through.
Sudboy
Re: My life's experience. bleedingheart: I have a counsellor that'll i'll be talking to soon. You are right about the weight loss. It's difficult to eat when you don't have the appetite to do so. My friends and coworkers have been forcing me to eat. even if it is just toast. I don't have a lot of friends, but what i do know is the ones i have are true to me.
When will these feelings of ups and downs go away? Will i be able to trust anyone enough to get close to them? I still have a hard time sleeping. These thoughts and pain won't go away. I guess i will just have to let time heal things. I am on the up and up now, but i know the dips will come. I can nver tell when.
TL
