It's been three years [long rant] kl2701: Three years ago, just a couple of days before Christmas, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. Things had been bad between us for a while, and I think the deciding factor for him was that my work required me to move to a different city (in order to fulfill my dreams I could not stay where I was). He had known for several years that this would happen, and I had always assumed that he would move with me when the time came, since I had made similar sacrifices for him in the past. He was a very unstable person emotionally, and any changes to his established life were a threat to him. I never realized how threatened he felt until it was too late.
For a while I had felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. He had gradually turned negative and paranoid, and I spent an enormous time and effort on trying to support him, help him see that things were not as bad as he thought. Looking back I know that I would have grown more and more unhappy if we had stayed together. I could never vent at home when I was unhappy about something, because I always had to be optimistic about things, because if I wasn't, nobody would be. I was tired of always having to do the Pollyanna act.
For a while before we broke up he had been talking about a girl at work. He had been telling me that some of his co-workers were concerned that he spent so much time with her. I'm not a jealous type, and I tried to be supportive; what else could I do? Initially I don't think he understood, either, what this might lead up to. I do not think that she was the reason we split up, but she was a symptom that things were bad, and a trigger. I think he was looking for someone who wouldn't ask him to move.
It's been three years now, and I thought I was over him, as much as I'll ever be. But this is my first Christmas on my own (I spent the others with family) and looking back at the past few days I can see that I have gradually become tenser. Today I cried, and it was the first time in at least two years that I cried over my divorce. How can it still be painful? I have accepted it, and I certainly don't hope that we will get back together again, but I'm still not over it, apparently.
I know now that he was bad for me. He was bad for my self-esteem; he made me feel unattractive, not because he was a bad person, but because he did not know better, did not know what to say, and more importantly, what not to say. He turned my home into a place that I didn't look forward to coming home to, because I knew that after a long day's work I would have to come home and be strong and encouraging... every day. And on top of this I had to put up with his crazy parents and be supportive of his neurotic mother as well.
I did something the other day that I haven't decided yet whether I will regret: I checked if that girl from his job had moved in with him. Apparently she had. This makes me upset because it was /our/ apartment, and when we renovated it I did most of the work with my own hands (he was not particularly good with tools, but I am). I don't like the idea of her living in /my/ apartment. She is welcome to him -- after all I don't want him any more -- but the apartment is different. Silly, isn't it? I knew that this might happen when I sold my half of the apartment to him, but I'm still upset about it. I hope in the end that it's good for me to know that she lives with him. If I bump into them, or into some mutual friend, it's better to know. But maybe I should have waited to find out until some time when I was not already upset about this. I know one thing though -- it's not fair that he gets to have a girlfriend, while I'm still single. It's just not fair.
I am a better person now than when I was married, happier, kinder, more balanced. I like myself much more than I did before. But even though I know that I'm better off without him, I cried today, because I remember my pain from three years ago, when I thought I'd die because it hurt so much. I'm still single, and I haven't even been close to finding someone new. I still haven't found anyone interesting, and I'm starting to think I never will. I work too much, I'm rarely in situations where I meet new people, and I never seem to meet anyone who's "good enough" or who interests me. I may be looking for someone who doesn't exist, and maybe I have to accept that I will remain single. But it's hard to be alone on Christmas. I wonder if Christmas will always bring back the old, painful memories.
Maybe I shouldn't post this, but I need to vent. I hope it's OK. I found this site today because I desperately need to share my feelings with someone, and there is noone around. I feel better now that I have written this. I will get through this day and the next, and the pain will gradually fade into the background again, as it has done before.
Re: It's been three years [long rant] ChiefWiggum: Karin,
Welcome! This is my first Christmas alone as well. Like you, I am a wiser, kinder, more loving person after my divorce. I hope to not be crying in three years, but time will tell. Merry Christmas! I hope we both get stronger on this lonely day!
CW
Re: It's been three years [long rant] dgiirl: Wow Karin, I feel like I'm looking at myself in the future. I've been separated from my husband for 10 months, but I can definitely see myself in the same position as you are now. I think it's perfectly normal to be feeling what you feel. You KNOW you've become better and happier with life, but it's still sad that it had to come like this. You didnt plan your life to take this turn, and yet it did. It's ok to feel sad about that. And it's perfectly normal to be a little jealous of your ex's new life. The only thing you need to do, is to acknowledge these feelings and then focus on your life and how you can keep making it better. It seems you've done a lot with your own life. You've taken charge and you keep working on yourself. You've done exactly what you're suppose to do and you should be very proud of yourself! I dont think you'll ever get over the pain and sadness of your past relationship. Nor should you. It was an important part of your life and should never be forgotten. You've learned a lot from the whole experience and because of it you've become this wiser person. Be proud!
As for having another relationship, you never know. Maybe you dont want one, maybe you're not ready, maybe you're not meant to have one. We cannot predict the future, nor should we give up hope that things wont turn out the way we wish. But for the time being, focus on other things that enrich your life. Volunteer your time, take up a new hobbie, get out and make new friends. When you embrace new things in life, things might change. The worse thing we can do is just get into a rut. Our life becomes predictable and boring, and that leads to depression. Spike up your life with new activities. And dont give me the excuse that you dont have time. You have time, you're just being complacent :) Get out and try new things, anything! Be a kid again and enjoy life.
