drained and exhausted MikeB: Hi folks.
I try to make it short, so I won't post my whole story again (if you're interested, the post is "So wrecked! [..."> ")
VERY short recap: It's been a little over 4 months since she broke up with me. We were still on very good terms and since we had signed a leasing contract for an appartment before the break-up, we moved in. I still love her very much and would like to start anew with her. During the past month she said things like "It's gonna work out alright, you just musn't rush it" -which made me happy. Now we've moved out and she's initiated No Contact (maybe it'll do me good as well). During our last phone call she told me that she can't imagine us getting together again (amazing how things can change in just over a week). Needless to say it devestated me and I hope this will change in time.
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Yesterday, my grandfather died (and my family's seen him waste away over the last year, diminishing from what was once a healthy nature-loving man who would take me into the forest and teach me the names of the trees, the flowers and animals when I was young to someone who can't remember what time of day it is, forgets to eat and drink [Alzheimer's"> and so on). When my dad walked down from his father's beedroom, saying a last goodbye before they put him in a coffin, it was the first time I've seen my father cry and his pain is adding to my own. But my grandfather had a painless death, - fell a sleep at night and didn't wake up anymore -that's some comfort.
I try to focus on my life and my work but I miss my ex so much. Memories keep flooding.. How she loved it when I played guitar and sang for her, how we sat in the night, stargazing, how she would smile and say "I love you too" in her sleep when I whispered "I love you" in her ear etc... and now there's the death of my grandfather (I haven't fully realised it yet---expect it'll hit me in the next few days).
My problem is that I have a lot of work to do for my course of studies. I study philosophy, logic and philosophy of science, exams are due in the next month, I've still got two essays to write in Ethics, a long homework in logic and the exam in logic in february. I need to learn for this, I need to start writing my essays, but all this sh*t I'm going through is draining me. I feel weak, completely exhausted and I don't know what to do in order to regain the energy I need to do my work. I can't really relax... I can rest, but it doesn't give me energy. I try to follow my hobbies, but this helps only a little because my ex and I always did those things together (we have a lot in common) and you know - it reminds me.
I would be very grateful for any advice on how to regain some energy... if there is any way to do so.
Re: drained and exhausted Gabo: Ok:
I read your whole story although I didn't post any answer. It really felt it deep, it seems very similar to my own story in a lot of ways (specially the way you two hanged together)
Now I'll try to give some insight.
I'll start with your grandfather. I know it hurts, my grandfather is fading away now. In the last 6 months he has became more ill and now he forgets or get confused a lot. Sometimes he is looking for his office (in which he hasn't worked in 30 years) inside his house. He is 85 and is very hard to see one of the greatest men I’ve ever met becoming totally dependent. My mother is sad but we all take it good. We hope he gets a good death like your grandfather. It's natural and is part of life. At some point your grandchildren will have to suffer your own death and so on. It's hard to let go but your father and you will be fine.
Now your X. It's hard for me to describe the feeling but is like some people that love each other a lot and spent a lot of time together suddenly they start to feel weird (it's very hard to describe the feeling and the closest word I have is "unease") until a point that they realize they don't love the other one anymore and they have to leave although they still love them. (sound's weird but it is)
My advice is to keep no contact. You need her to stop feeling that unease around you, to be independent again. Maybe in 2 months you can send an e-mail just saying hi. And see what happens from there (I am sorry to tell you that is probable that you may lose her, but there is a chance) Never pressure, keep moving with your life.
I also have problems with school. I study computer sciences and this is my final year. I just stop pressuring me and instead just do whatever I could at the moment. Do something but don't push yourself. If you fail well... f**ck it. Just try to do a little bit everyday and you'll se how you start slowly getting the feeling for studying and working again. Anyway that's my advice.
You have my best wishes and my full support. I know this may sound crazy but it sounds that at the end of this story you'll be fine.
Re: drained and exhausted snkpack5: You know what rejuvenates me. I call up one of my best girlfriends, have a complete meltdown, and then I feel fantastic the next day. Don't know if it will help you out, but it always refreshes me.
Re: drained and exhausted MikeB: Hi again.
Thank you for your expressions of condolences. The funeral will be later this day... I have picked out two nice pieces of music they are going to play: An excerpt of the "Moldau" by Smetana and an excerpt of the "Canon in D-Dur" by Pachelbel... btw I could have a tantrum - here in Germany only priests or certified orators may speak at a funeral, so my father and his brother aren't even allowed to conduct the funeral eulogy - that sucks!
@Jabe: My best wishes go to your family - I feel for you and them and I do hope your grandpa will have a good death and that his remaining time on this earth will be painless and spent in the company of the people he loves.
Thanks for your support... I know someday I'll be fine - but I hope that it will be with her again - there's just noone with whom I share so much
I know this is off topic, but I'll just name some of the things be both love:
-(Astro/Quantum)physics
-Movies: e.g. Kubrick, Fritz Lang, Spielberg; Lawrence of Arabia, Blade Runner and many many more
-Star Trek
-nature
-literature: e.g. german "classics" like Goethe, Lessing, Eichendorff, Heine; modern german literature and expressionism (Hesse, Nietzsche, Kafka, Benn, Brecht, Trakl, Bachmann, Lasker-Schüler, Toller, Loerke, Rilke, George, Kirsch, Stadler, Böll, Borchert, Celan); english literature (Shakespeare, Joyce, Bradbury, Dickens, Carroll, Poe, Orwell, Rushdie, H.G. Wells, Douglas Adams, Mark Twain, J.K. Rowling) or international literature (Umberto Eco, Miguel de Cervantes, Dante Alighieri, Sophokles, Homer, Aischylos, Euripides)
-politics
-political satire
-philosophy
-music (e.g. Dream Theater, Steve Vai, King Crimson, Anathema, Opeth, Robert Fripp, Frank Gambale, all sorts of Jazz etc)
-Sharing our love of all those things was so great and gave us lots and lots of evenings talking about them, reading poetry to each other or listening to music. I don't think there is any other girl/women who loves all those things as I do. I know this isn't essential to a relationship, but I couldn't imagine being with someone who wouldn't apreciate poetry and this kind of music.. Love of literature and music of the kinds I listed above are at the core of my soul and I wouldn't want to miss sharing this love with the person I love.
Thanks also for your advice. I think "unease" might really be the right word... I'll keep no contact for a while, although it's hard. I figure she'd want to know that my grandpa died, because every sunday for over two years my family (including her) would have supper at my grandparents'. -But I won't go calling or mailing her about it--it would just look like me trying to show her that I'm in grief-- I'll tell her the next time she contacts me.
I do hope that feeling of unease will go away when some time has passed... and I hope that with time apart she'll figure out what I could give her if she were to give me a chance... after all I once made her her feel happier than she had ever been before - and it wasn't the way I loved her that made her drift away, but some bad habits of mine - I hope I get the chance to show her that I have discarded these habits and won't make the mistakes I made again.. and that all the qualities that enabled me to make her happy still exist. I know that it's improbable - but after all shortly after the breakup she said that we would get another chance... then there was a time when she thought differently... then she was confident again... now she isn't ... Maybe it'll change again.
I'll try to focus on myself and work a bit every day.
It'll be a few weeks until I get my internet-connection in munich, so I'll only be able to post every other weekend when I'm here in Bayreuth.
Until then, I wish you all the best and thanks for reading this.
Mike
