Re: Need Help Letting Go.... flowersdirtandgardengirl: Oh Macaw,
God if I had a nickle for every time I've thought and said those exact same words.
You mentioned looking for painful information, of which I am embarassed to admit I am the queen. My new years resolution has been to stop reading his f-ing email already. Because all I EVER see are things that break my heart. So I decided to stop because I had to stop because if I didn't stop my heart would keep breaking and I would keep holding on to him and I knew I would never get better never move on never get better.
I felt just like you. More connected to the pain than to anything else in my life. More connected to missing him than anything else. He is doing all the same things, sleeping with everyone he can possibly get his hands on, running around and saying things that are more than just a bit disrespectful of the five years we've known each other, more than just a bit disrespectful of our love and our friendship and me.
For me, however, I remembered myself as being an inherently joyful girl. As a girl with crap loads going for her. As a girl who is still young and still smart and still talented and passionate and hilarious. And I knew that if I didn't do everything in my power to be that girl again I was risking everything. I was risking comparing myself to drunk 22 year olds and lame chicks at lame bars who wear leather halter tops but can't conjugate sentences for an eternity. I knew that holding on to the pain and to him meant risking me and maybe permanently.
So, I just had to make conscious decision to stop. And it is was is was hard. It is hard. Still. I've got a list THIS long of things I want to do in my life. I've got a list THIS long of all these great things to do in this great place that I live where I will probably meet really great people. And I still hesitate, because I still hold something on for him. But it's getting weaker and weaker every day as I get stronger and stronger and less inclined to give everything up for someone who gave everything that is me up so easily.
Hopefully you'll get there soon...
love,
gg
Need Help Letting Go.... redmacaw1: Well it has been 6.5 months now that she walked out in the middle of the night.
I know she is seeing and sleeping with other guys.
I know she has no intention of me anywhere.
I know she acts and talks like our 15 years together ment nothing and never existed.
I Know I still feel her in my heart , when I hear things I still sink.
I know I have one last rope to let go of , but can't seem to make myself.
When I start to feel better or less depressed, it is as if I go in search of gut wrenching information to bring back the hurt. Right now the hurt is where I feel connected.
I should be able to let go I just can't ....
why not ?
Re: Need Help Letting Go.... flyaway: [quote author=gg link=topic=23599.msg219667#msg219667 date=1136494038">
You mentioned looking for painful information, of which I am embarassed to admit I am the queen. My new years resolution has been to stop reading his f-ing email already. Because all I EVER see are things that break my heart. So I decided to stop because I had to stop because if I didn't stop my heart would keep breaking and I would keep holding on to him and I knew I would never get better never move on never get better.
[/quote">
Oh my! I was there too, gg! It was almost like the pain is what made me realize that I was still alive. If I could feel the pain, then I knew I wasn't dead. It was an obsession. I think I almost screwed up my computer digging around for "evidence" of my husband's unfaithfulness.
I have to say that partly, it was helpful to me, because I did uncover solid evidence of adultery. But after contacting about 5 girls, I had to make the decision to stop, because it was just hurtful after that. I got what I came for, now it was time for me to leave it alone.
It has been sometime since I retired my "pick axe" and stopped mining for pain, and I have to say, that my vision now is towards the future, and the whole woman I will someday be. My life is nothing but chalk full of opportunity and enchantment. I choose to look forward to it! :)
Fly
Re: Need Help Letting Go.... jadedangel: [quote author=redmacaw1 link=topic=23599.msg219650#msg219650 date=1136491387">
Well it has been 6.5 months now that she walked out in the middle of the night.
I know she is seeing and sleeping with other guys.
I know she has no intention of me anywhere.
I know she acts and talks like our 15 years together ment nothing and never existed.
I Know I still feel her in my heart , when I hear things I still sink.
I know I have one last rope to let go of , but can't seem to make myself.
When I start to feel better or less depressed, it is as if I go in search of gut wrenching information to bring back the hurt. Right now the hurt is where I feel connected.
I should be able to let go I just can't ....
why not ?
[/quote">
[color=navy"> I know it doesn't help but ....
if I alter it a bit : a) 9.5 months b) He
Ok ... now I about wrote your post ....
Knowing what you should do ... and doing it are different. It takes time -- or so they say ... listen to the good people ;) ... Really ... mostly just here to say ... your not alone. I know how alone it can feel, especially this week. Hang in there. [/color">
Re: Need Help Letting Go.... snkpack5: You have to want to. I know that sounds trite and cliche, but you truly have to want to. Maybe you're not ready.
