When do you know? PER: I'm sure that this topic has been batted around a million times, but I am really in a jam.
When do you know that you just can't go on?
My wife and I have been going together steady since freshman year of college. Now, it's been almost 16-years!
I think that we have just lost patience for one another. Sometimes we get along great, but most of the time we are bickering. We have a 18-month old boy, who's the light of our lives. I always wanted to give my children everything and I am scared that the one thing that I can't give them is a stable home.
We've also been through a lot with jobs. She has a good one, but hates it. I had a good one, but quit to pursue writing, which is something that she, surprisingly, still supports. But, it has created its share of friction.
She has always said to me that she is easier to handle than a lot of other women out there. I use to believe her, but now I am not so worried about trying.
In an effort to quickly answer some anticipated questions:
I still find her attractive.
I am not always happy to see her come home. (15% of the time)
I love it when she travels and I get one or two days to myself.
I don't feel sorry for her if she's had a bad day.
We have both been faithful, although my imagination wonders a lot lately. I would have no problem remaining faithful if we could work this out.
She pushes people all the time. If she is unhappy, EVERYBODY pays. This to the point where she doesn't have any close friends anymore. She has burned those bridges.
I think her main problem is that NOTHING is ever good enough and I am always to blame (in her eyes) for it.
I have to use a bull-horn for her to hear me. She ignores everything that I say the first time around.
This is the first time that I've done this, so I apologize if it's disjointed.
Thanks and I look forward to anyone's responses.
Re: When do you know? 2GoodHeartedPeople: Hi per - I am younger and only married 7 years but maybe I can help. A wise man marrried 50+ years said, (when asked how he had been married for so long) its that neighor my wife or I fell out of love at the same time.
I think this is very true, my current situation my wife wants out. I love her. Early on before kids, I questioned if I made the right choice, she loved me. So, I guess as long as one holds on life will turn it around in your favor.
But if both give up, its done
Re: When do you know? jetguy: Per,
Welcome!
With an 18 month old baby I will give you some different advice. For the sake of the child. Here it is.
Try going to counselling!!!
Sounds like somewhere along the way you guys stopped communicating with each other. I'm not talking about everyday conversation, but the kind of communication that feeds your soul. I would definetly try and work at it with the aid of professional help before throwing your life into chaos. Especially the child's life.
JR
Re: When do you know? frontier74: Although the reason you're here really sucks, I'd like to say welcome. :)
Your description of your wife sounds exactly like my ex. It seems to me that in order to deal with your wife's unpleasant behavior, you've become apathetic. This means that individual outbursts bother you far less, but you're forced to live with a constant sense of anxiety -- like walking on eggshells. I suspect that you have taken to hiding things from her that might cause an explosion and tuning out when she talks.
Doing these things might alleviate, or mask, the problem, but it does nothing to actually fix it. You're going to have to start building up your boundaries, learn to say no to her bad behavior and insist that she learn to accept no. It's going to be a long process. Whenever she makes you angry, rather than swallow it, you need to be assertive and tell her no -- every time. To do this, you'll need to actually step out of the situation and look at it from the outside. If she's being nasty, don't respond immediately or shut her out, simply look at the situation and then assert yourself, tell her calmly and firmly what she is doing and why it's wrong, and then let her know that you won't accept it. If you have to, remove yourself from the situation entirely.
I also assume that many things come up in your life -- things that you want to do or say, which you keep to yourself, for fear of making her mad. This leads to that constant anxiety. When this happens, you have to be brave and just do the right thing. Say what you want to say -- do what you want to do (as long as it is an objectively healthy thing to say or do).
Your wife sounds like a narcissist -- an emotional vampire. Cut the flow -- stop allowing her to suck you dry. Not only will you feel more content (less anxious) you will also feel confident about completely being yourself around her. Once you cut her off, she'll either have to find a source of emotional energy within herself (constructive), or find someone else to get it from (destructive). Either way, the problem is no longer yours, and you're better off in either case -- and far healthier to boot.
Re: When do you know? alonewith2: Welcome Per! Have you tried talking to your wife about your feelings? Maybe she doesn't know how you are feeling. Maybe you don't know how she's feeling. I wish that when my marriage had come to this point, my husband would have talked to me about it. The path may have led to a different outcome.
