Choices Irony: Hi and I hope this cold windy day finds you well.
I was really puzzled by your response to me at Elena's the other day when I said that you had hurt me more than I ever thougth I could hurt.
You told me that you had felt hurt also and had done your share of crying as well. It kind of took me by surprise D.....
I am so not getting this.
This was YOUR choice.. this separation and divorce thing.. you know that, as much as you have tried to say I wanted it too. I took it back, remember?
You have always asked me to trust you...It was your choice to walk away from your promises.. You told me in effect that I had no room to talk about trustworthiness because I threatened to leave myself on occasion. I think there's a huge difference between saying something in the heat of anger and actually doing it. I would never have left.. you saw that I couldn't. I tried in July..
I couldn't.
And as for me wanting to leave Carol, I had gotten divorce papers several times after some of her more severe drinking bouts and her affair,and refusal to get help.. I could never follow through ...it was shear frustration on my part.. funny thing about Carol and I .. we were BOTH committed to the marriage..
I trusted that you were as well.
Guess I was wrong.
You physically left me several times.. remember?
I guess I put my trust in someone who has a slightly different opinion of what it means to promise for better or worse..
Sad thing is, I can forgive you for all the screaming and belittling and criticizing and all because I figured you had had a rough life and your inner world sucked big time. I know because on the rare occasions where you shared your inner world wit me you told me about your relatioinship (or lack of one) with your mom, the fact that your parents left you to take care of (younger siblings), and virtually robbed you of your childhood. growing up in an alcoholic family leads one to make exciuses and hide things so that all looks well to the public. And the part about the older relative fondling you.. I know that had to be an awful experience.. it always hurts a child deepeer thant anyone can imagine.. I know you were vey sad.. you told me.
I know you have that wounded child within you. (half woman/half child) I'm sorry you ahd to experience all that.. it must have been hell to llve withi all that bottled up within you.
I'm sorry also that you had to then go through 23 years of an abusive marriage as well.. you didnt deserve that either.
(see, I know you and your imperfections and hurts and I still love you in spite of knowing about you... guess I know youbetter than you realize.
I know I reacted poorly.. I became a not so nice person myself. But that has changed and I know now how I should have responded to you.. when you said things to me about how you would get mad and get it out and then go on. I always took the blows personally, not uderstanding you as you are. I guess I learned too late that when you got that way what you needed was a hug and reassurance from me that you were ok.. I chose to get angry and sulk instead.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Believe it or not I always chose to see the best of you.
(continued)
Re: Choices Irony: (continued)
I wish now that i had acknowleged to you a year ago that I knew things weren't good and that we needed to do something different to make things work out. It's obvious that Elena held no answers for us and we just kept doing more and more of what didn't work.
So, I don't understand what you are feeling sad and hurt about.. I still love you and I know that there are huge problems and that if there was committtment form both of us, we could work things out.. i am not in lov with you anymore and haven't been in quite a while but I still LOVE you and don't understand your postition.
Do you hurt because I have hurt you?
Do you hurt because of what we lost?
Do you hurt because you feel like you failed?
Does it hurt because you still love me and think you are protecting me from something?
Does it hurt because you still love me and think you are protecting me from you?
Do you hurt because you made the choice to walk away from someone who loved yo so deeply?
I don't understand.
What am I missing here?
This all seems to be so black and white to you.
It's like Faith Hill sings, "...like we never loved at all"
You seem so distant and cold on those occasions when we do see each other. It leaves me wondering exactly what you are angry at me about.
I truly hope that some day you'll be able to love yourself enough to find real love, and have the peace of mind you so desperately seek.
I think that real love comes around once in a lifetime if we're lucky, and that it IS a gift from God. What we do with that gift is a choice we make. I know I received a wonderful gift a little over 4 years ago..
Its all about choices Di.. you have chosen to 'un-choose' me.
I am chosing to move on with my life, with or without you, although you know I would rather have it with you.
I have chosen a full and happy life.
Guess we all have to live with our choices, don't we?
Not sure why I'm writing all this, but it's been pent up inside me for a while and i need to get it out before I explode. I know you well.
I'm guessing this email will only anger you.. for that I make no apology, for that's not my intention.. I can't control your feelings. Sometimes I can barely control my own.You can do what you chose with what I've written. You can respond line by line or tell me to go to hell, or simply hit 'delete'
It's your choice.
(noticed that you chose to use your maiden name on your .mac email address.)
Would love to sit down with you by the ocean with a bottle of wine and just talk straight from the heart.
